The Holiday Blues...

One of my greatest blessings this Christmas season is that I am not depressed. Bipolar disorder doesn't take into account the time of year. It doesn't say,"It's the holidays, lets not bother her"! Because I am not depressed I can think about how grateful I am for the experience of the holidays. When I am depressed nothing seems to engage me. My experiences are dulled out by the pain of depression. The holidays have been marred by my inability to participate. That's the thing. although I love the holidays, there have been times years when I couldn't engage, the struggle against my illness was just too much.

It is a kind of torture to be depressed. You can understand that life is happening,you're just not a part of it. When I am depressed I shrink into myself. I can't sum up the energy to get through the day let alone see the prospects of a tomorrow. My thinking is slowed down. Every thought requires an effort and even my movement is slow. My mind gets lost in a haze of helplessness and hopelessness. Although I know that there are many things to be grateful for and many more things that make life worth living, I struggle to keep them in mind. It's like a wet blanket engulfs me. I can't think, I am silent, I go dead inside. It is horrific to be so ill. To know the answers to some of life's questions but be so affected that you can't respond. 

Experiencing these symptoms of depression during the holidays is double torture. Not being able to participate while everyone else seems to be celebrating is excruciating. I have spent some Christmas seasons in despair so I know how difficult the holidays can be for those suffering from a mental illness. 

So what makes this holiday different? Well the basics of my recovery are being constantly addressed this year. My meds are correct and I take them faithfully. I see a therapist who I trust and confide in. My support system is strong. I think above all I am bringing every weapon I can into my battle with mental illness. I continue to believe that I can manage my diagnosis and with the right care and support I can even overcome it's effects. 

Stability was my goal for this year. It has been a long time coming. The last 5 years have been spent mostly struggling with depression and the consequences of a major hospitalization. So because of stability I am grateful for the ability to enjoy this years festivities. This holiday I am going to concentrate and focus on how far I've come and how blessed I am. Christmas is the perfect time to get out of my own head and concentrate on others. I love being able to show appreciation for loved ones through gift giving. I can also be grateful for the gifts I have been given, especially the gift of another chance at life. Bipolar illness is my greatest challenge but I am confident that it can be managed and given less power in my life.