After a 9 month stint in a mental hospital and a 5 year recovery I find myself in one of those periods of stability. Everything is not sunshine and roses, but I am managing life's ups and downs with a sense of peace. There is a calm now in my storm. I look back on the 5 years and feel like I have accomplished so much yet have such a long way to go. I realize that bipolar disorder can wear a person down and then deliver a knock out punch. I don't want to become a statistic and succumb to the brutality of mental illness.
I have been asked why I hang in there. Curiosity is my answer. I truly wonder how it will all turn out! I am curious as to how my children will experience their lives and how , even with a mental illness, I will be a part of that. I can't give in to the life damaging symptoms of the illness. I may experience them but I don't have to let them define me. Bottom line, I want to see what my life will be like after another 5 years of stability and another 5 years after that. Until there is a cure for mental illnesses, that is the best I can hope for, a chance to battle it out.
Depression has always been the dominant force in my bipolar journey. It is a formidable foe. Dealing with major depression has been a long , knock down, drag out fight for me. Sadly, if I were to be honest, I would have to say it has won more times than i care to admit!
When I am depressed the first thing I notice is that the world loses it's color. Everything seems grey. I lose my interest in the things around me and feel like a burden to the people who carry on with their lives. It is like swimming in mud to think and feel. There is a feeling that nothing matters anymore and you are just a burden that is being put up with.
It is in these states of depression that I find myself actively seeking help. Help is what has kept me going all these years. There is no substitute for professional help. A competent psychiatrist, psychologist and the right medication are the foundations of my wellness strategy. Along with the pro's I receive a wealth of support from family and friends. They are there in my corner, encouraging and sometimes even insisting that I keep going.
The truth is, if you are mentally ill you can not go it alone. You must rise on the wings of another. For instance, I seriously doubt my judgement. When I am manic it is skewed by grandiosity and racing thoughts. When I am depressed my thinking is morbid and I cannot see a way out of almost any situation. So, I rely on the advice and good judgement of those I love and admire. I must confess that in the throes of severe mania I want to be told what to do. I shouldn't be trusted with my care because I am incapable of making those kinds of calls. Similarly, when I am clinically depressed I need for members of my support team to do more than give me gentle suggestions. I need help to get out of the muck and mire of depression and that takes more than a little tug!
Bottom line...If you are mentally ill, love,or even support someone who is mentally ill, you are in for the fight of your life!
