I have never had suicidal tendencies. Sure, I came to the place where I had had enough and was sick of the struggle. I have been in that place for at least 6 months and understand how those who come to the end of their journey feel. Yet I do not have suicidal ideations or have ever had a plan. I have never made calls to say goodbye or given warnings that I was at the end of mine. I am one of the lucky ones who experience mental illness and still hang on.
Bipolar disorder takes it's toll. I am 53 years old and feel much older. I get tired of living with a mental illness and childishly wish it would all just go away. Yet I hang in there. I guess I am curious to see how it all turns out. I have a tremendous support system, loving family, and a great best friend. I have two sons who love me. I have come to the point of quitting and have not because of these things. I have relied on the fact that life can turn on a dime and the very next moment may bring relief from the pain. I am sure those who take their lives have many of the same thoughts that I do. They just can't take the pain any longer, and I understand.
Mental illness is cruel. It takes without asking and is hallmarked by hopelessness, helplessness and worthlessness. It is a life killer and does not discriminate. It doesn't care what race, religion, gender, sexual orientation or anything else you are, it will still strike. Those who suffer from a mental illness are much more likely to commit suicide and it is no wonder. You feel betrayed by your own mind and at the mercy of disease that robs you of your very self.
So what can one do to hold onto hope? I find that it is a day to day fight to maintain my sanity. Hope is something I cling to in order to keep battling. There is for me the hope of a better day, a lighter load and a future filled with "good things". It is just a matter of waiting for the next moment that may be brighter. I think that despair is the enemy of hope so I am learning to catch my depression before things get out of hand. No easy solutions, no cliche' sayings no pat answers . Hoping is hard work, it is complex and requires an effort that is sometimes herculean. But I can tell yo
u this one thing, it is worth it. Life is worth it.
If you are reading this and struggling to hang on to anything that will give you one more day, I would encourage you to reach out and talk to some one about how you are feeling. We are not meant to go it alone and speaking to another about your pain can lessen your burden. The National Suicide number is 1-800-273-8255. If you are a person who needs to call this number I would say to you, "Hang on, ride it out and wait for the next moment, You are valuable and regardless of a mental illness you are needed here and not yet there. Be brave, Donna.
