Party on...

Parties are tough for me. My self esteem has taken quite a hit from my bipolar disorder and social situations make me uncomfortable. I am always afraid I will be "outed" and have to explain my mental illness.

This week I went to a party for my best friends birthday. I met a neuropsychiatrist who uses virtual reality to treat the mentally ill. My friend had sent me her bio, and I wanted to ask her questions about her specialty. I asked her several questions then "outed" myself and told her the reason I was asking was because I was bipolar and fascinated by her approach. She proceeded to ask me questions about my journey and my treatment. I spent a long time with her and left the conversation feeling  confident that I had shared openly and honestly about my experience.

Talking about my experience was cathartic but it brought up a feeling

that I struggle with on a daily basis. I felt some shame at first. When I told her I was bipolar some people were sitting around us and got up and left shortly after our conversation started. I must not have cared though because I kept sharing regardless. When the conversation was over I moved on to mingling with the other guests and felt somewhat unburdened. I had let someone else into my world and they had met me with understanding and empathy. It felt so good!

Writing about mental illness is so much easier than talking about it face to face with someone. I hear myself talk about my episodes, hospitalizations, victories and setbacks and wonder if the person listening will be judgemental. It's hard to think about all I have been through and articulate it. There has been so much!! I will however, start to talk about it more not only to help myself, but to possibly help others cope with their own struggles. Sharing is healing and I look forward to doing it more often!!   

They came back to me!

 I "lost" my children when Jake was 8 and Daniel was 2. My ex husband and I divorced, and he got custody of the kids. The reasons why we got divorced were many but my bipolar disorder was the main contributing factor.

After Jake I had an episode with psychotic features, after Daniel the same. After Daniel I went through a two year period of episode after episode. It devastated our marriage and we finally ended it. By the time we went to court to finalize the divorce I had become a part of a foundation for the mentally ill and was living and working in a board and care facility. I was in no position to have the boys. The judge ruled for full custody to go to him and I was left trying to figure out how to remain a part of the boys lives.

Daniel and I!!

Phone calls , weekend visitation and time with my family were the ways I stayed connected. For years though, 16 to be exact, I grieved the loss of being an all present mom. I missed a lot and it nearly killed me. I couldn't deal with it and continued to spiral into episode after episode of depression. The feelings of loss and grief never abated. I was devastated.

Recently, my sons have come back into my life in a big way. Daniel returned from a time at OU and visits me often, sometimes spending the night in between his travels from school and work. Jake lives just a hop away down the freeway and visits too. I always hoped that they would choose to include me in their lives when they were older and now that is happening. I love it! The grief has lifted and my spirit feels lighter. What bipolar disorder nearly destroyed, time and love have healed. So grateful!!