You are not alone!

6 years ago I had a major break. I had a bipolar episode that landed me in a mental hospital for 9 months. I lost time, I lost my mind. Ever since it has been a battle to regain my sense of self worth, my confidence, my trust in myself. It is horrifying to lose all that but most upsetting to lose the belief that you can hold together through the ups and downs of life. I had come to the conclusion that I could not rely on my mind to get me through the vicissitudes of living a bipolar life. I crumbled. I succumbed to the weight of my bipolar symptoms and gave into the belief that my life was not worth living in the state I was in. I was devastated, emotionally , physically and spiritually. I had one thing going for me, I had people in my life that saw me through my darkest hours and waited for me in the light. They were beacons of hope. They patiently guided me  through the darkness and waited for me while I stumbled my way back to reality.

 I realized that though I felt shattered there was a life worth fighting for if I could only face my mental illness and accept my vulnerability to it's devastating blows. I didn't come to these conclusions entirely on my own. The people in my life had to point them out to me. Therapist challenged me to see myself in a more compassionate light. The love and care of those closest to me helped me come out of severe depression. Their counsel helped me navigate the churning waters of a recovery process.

I make no apologies that I relied so much on the hope and strength of loved ones in order to recover from my episode. I don't consider myself weak or needy, just a person in the throes of something too big to handle on my own. Bipolar disorder is a beast, and it cannot be slayed by the power of one. It takes a concerted effort of many to manage it. I rely on a psychiatrist, a psychologist , family, friends and a community of peers who also live with a diagnosis, to survive.

I am no longer fragile but I am still in recovery. It is evident to me that there is still a lot of work to be done to attain a life that is meaningful and stable. Recovery for me has been a steady climb into wellness. Slow but sure. There are still deficits though. I still find it difficult to concentrate. My mind gets stuck in a whirl of emotions when I am participating in the simplest of interactions. I feel vulnerable in relationships due to the shame I sometimes feel because I am diagnosed with an illness that is so stigmatized.

It is through this blog and on my facebook page, Donnas' Bipolar Buzz, that I wish to reach people who are struggling with the same feelings surrounding their mental illness. I feel less alone knowing that there are others out there who are fighting the same battles. I want to encourage those suffering that they are not alone in their pain. In forming a life that matters,

I want to reach out to those lost in the storm of bipolar disorder. I believe that there is hope for recovery and it is my sincere desire to let them know they are not alone in fighting the good fight!

Feeling not so groovy...

Mania is a tricky deal. It sneaks up on you when you are in a bipolar cycle. At first the feeling of well being is terrific. Gone are the grey clouds of depression and the struggle to get through the day. Everything is bright again, color returns, and life seems to be full of promise. Instead of each day starting out with a sigh and ending with a whisper of regret, manic days begin with enthusiasm and end with a bang. Some days don't end at all. Sleep is the first thing to go when you are manic. You can survive on very little when in it's throes and when full blown mania hits you don't sleep at all.

It is no wonder that those living with bipolar disorder love the state of being hypo-manic. (Hypo-manic is just a term to describe a slight mania). It is like the light switch is turned on and your brain functions again at a fast clip. Depression is slow, like swimming in mud. Hypo-mania is fast, everything moves at warp speed. Depression clouds your judgment telling you you are hopeless, helpless and better off dead. In mania, everything seems crystal clear, purpose returns and you feel able to conquer any task, overcome any obstacle. It is a high like no other.

I am on anti-psychotics. My mania turns into psychosis very fast. I can be hypo-manic one week, manic the next and by the third week in the throes of a psychotic episode. I have to be very careful when I start coming out of a long depression because I boomerang out of them so quickly and into psychosis. My speech becomes rapid, my vocabulary becomes expansive, I have an interest in EVERYTHING, and my outlook is beyond positive. I would even say my outlook is unhinged. My thoughts and actions are not based in reality and become more and more grandiose. I believe I can understand anything, find meaning in the smallest of things and achieve anything I set my mind to. Reality just gets in the way when I am manic. I can't slow down, I can't make it stop. It is a dangerous state to be in because it will end up in a full blown episode, ending in a hospitalization. Scary stuff.

The color returns....

Because psychosis is  misunderstood in our society, I am always reluctant to share my experience with it. It is reality though that I have experienced several psychotic breaks, the last of which lasted 9 months. When I became psychotic I was beyond manic. I literally checked out, left the planet, went into my own little world. I had delusions of grandeur, I was this, I was that, nothing based in reality. I was here but not HERE. I was unrecognizable to my family and had no contact with my children. I spent 6 of the nine months in long term mental hospital because no one thought I was going to come out of it! I remember pacing a lot, talking to myself and rarely associating with others. There were long periods of silence. I was stuck in my own head and it was a nightmare. When I did reach out it was in a panic, basically begging to get out of the hospital even though I could not function in the real world. Reality came back in slowly. I began to recognize my family, I remembered who and what I was before the episode, I crashed. It was the most destructive thing I have ever experienced. That 9 months is lost time and I grieve it just as if I had lost nine months to a physical disease.

I know the drugs I take are super powerful. I am so glad. They serve as a talisman against my mania. I only get so far into the feeling and then "boom" I hit a wall. Last night for example I couldn't sleep but eventually I felt my meds kick in and I was out. Before taking ant-psychotics my bipolar disorder would have kicked in after a couple of nights like last and propelled me right into a hospital bed. I am making a smoother transition from depression to stability now. I feel great but not too GREAT! I look forward to feeling even keel without the sadness of depression and the elation of mania. Stability and balance in all things is the goal.

During this month of may many are observing National Mental Health Awareness month.It is my sincere wish that while sharing my experience with bipolar disorder, I will add to the conversation surrounding mental illness. We must address the stigma that surrounds mental health and must talk about it until it is accepted as much as any of the physical illnesses we face. Telling my story breaks the silence in my circle. What happened to me, although horrific, is a shared story of many others. In reality those suffering from mental illness are our sons, our daughters our mothers , wives , husbands, friends and co-workers. One in four people are diagnosed with a mental illness in their lifetime. With such a great number it is time to shed our bias and shame and talk about diseases of the brain. I hope I can do my small part by writing about what I have experienced. My is going to be a great month. I just know it...