Mental illness and me...

I haven't posted a blog in a long time. I have no excuse really. For a while there I felt I had nothing to say that would uplift or educate a reader. I was not suffering from depression, which is a definite creativity killer, but I was suffering from a feeling of disgust. You see, I hate bipolar disorder. I have in many ways not come to terms with the illness. I grieve the fact that I have to accept that I have a chronic mental illness. At times I just don't want to deal with it, so writing about my struggles is a struggle in itself.

I realize that my posts may help others, and because of that , will have some merit. I also have to acknowledge that writing these posts help me. It's a way to cope with the mental illness that so often leaves me numb and unable to communicate. Bipolar disorder has it's way of shutting me up. Talking about it brings up the utter disgust I have that I suffer from an illness so few people understand. Mental illness is surrounded by so many misconceptions and is stigmatized even in a open society such as ours. Perhaps if I open up about my journey it will shed some light on how it feels to be mentally ill and what others can do to help.

I do have a reason to write this blog. My son graduated from high school this month and it brought up so many emotions. I was bursting with pride as he accepted his diploma yet also sad that I have missed so much in his life due to my illness. Again I couldn't contain the feelings of grief. I grieve because I feel cheated of the everyday interaction with my children that was stolen from me because of bipolar disorder.

My ex husband and I divorced after trying to cope with mental illness for 11 years. He just couldn't hang in there. In many ways neither could I and the decision was made to divorce. He got custody of my two sons and I got visitation and not much more. It was a soul killer. It sucked the life right out of me, and over the years the loss of my boys devastated me. Granted, I kept involved in their lives and wore out my phone bugging them about what was going on in their lives, but it wasn't the same as being there.

Danny my youngest survived the trauma of the divorce and the loss of my presence. He had every excuse to turn into an angry kid but somehow reconciled his experience with a mentally ill mom and thrived. Now that graduation has past, he is looking forward to attending Oregon in the fall. He is amazing and is the source of so much joy. He stops my mind in it's tracks and forces me to look on the events of my life in a more positive light.

Jake, my oldest, has had his own struggles. Addiction is a disease that has affected him, but he is overcoming it by attending many groups and following the path of sobriety. He took the divorce much harder but is coming to understand that mental illness affects families as well as individuals. He is running a sober living house now and sharing his hope and help to those struggling with addiction. I am so proud of him and his efforts to overcome!

I guess I should count myself blessed and stop feeling sorry for myself based on what a treasure I have in my sons. My mental illness does not define me the way being a mom does. I am learning that bipolar disorder does not have to dominate my life and grief can be healed with time and the love of others. It is a hard lesson to learn especially when depression hits and takes your mind hostage.

I do believe that there is hope for recovery from mental illness and I am well on my way to achieving my goal of living despite bipolar disorder. I hope that those reading this blog will fight the good fight and deal with their own issues. I keep reminding myself not to give up hope, that tomorrow may be a better day and the day after that even better. The struggle is real, but with the help of professionals and loved ones I am able to see my way through the darkness.

If you or a loved one is struggling with mental illness, please reach out for help. If it get's to be too much call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-5255. THey are there for you to answer questions relating to mental health and to  listen even if you are at the a critical point.

I am hopeful that reading this blog helps those who are dealing with their mental health, I am glad I wrote it because it has given me the opportunity to share my struggles and also hope in the good things in life. Mo
st of all I am grateful for a venue in which to express my gratitude to those loved ones who are helping me keep my chin up! I hope to write again, and with that, wish you hope and healing.