SMIs. What the heck?

The other day I was starting to walk to work when a guy from my apartment complex stopped me. He is seriously affected by schizophrenia and despite all my knowledge of the illness I was wary. He proceeded to tell me that he wanted to know the name of the manager of my store and "everyone has problems!". I assumed he had trouble in the store and I wasn't surprised. He often comes in to shop and as he makes his way down the isles he has animated conversation with what I am assuming are his voices. People stare and the staff keep an eye on him.

At the apartment complex he is continuously engaged in conversation with himself. He swims in the pool everyday and takes walks around the parking lot, talking all the way. I hear him when I walk past his apartment on my way to work. The talking never seems to stop. I feel nothing but compassion for him and think that this must be a tortuous way to live.

Maybe I am wrong though. I know a lot about schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder but I have never really engaged anyone with the illness about how they feel about it. I have never specifically asked how they feel about the voices they hear or if their responses irritate them at all. Like so many others, my knowledge about serious mental illnesses (SMIs) is limited despite all this time in the mental health world.

Sure, I know a lot about bipolar disorder from researching it due to my own diagnosis. I have personal knowledge, book knowledge and personal experience from dealing with others with bipolar. Yet, when it comes to schizophrenia I am finding I am ignorant and biased just like the rest of society.

The behaviors associated with this particular mental illness are off putting and frankly scary. Auditory and visual hallucinations are common. Being out of touch with reality, religious and persecutory delusions are also symptoms. It is a very misunderstood illness and although it shares some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder my response to it in real time is as ignorant as most of society. I have some work to go to educate myself about schizophrenia and some of the symptoms of bipolar disorder. We have a long way to go in our acceptance of SMIs as a society and I need to do some work personally.

It is heartening to see on the news that there is a push to educate young people about SMIs. Mental health should be taught in schools. After all mental health is just as key to development as physical health.I believe the more we are taught about the symptoms of mental illnesses the less frightening they will become. After all, fear is often the product of ignorance. I am the fist to acknowledge that I too suffer from this fearful ignorance and would benefit from learning more. Perhaps if we knew what to expect, the symptoms of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder would be met with compassion and assistance. People like my neighbor would perhaps suffer less and receive more support. I think it is a goal worth attaining!

One of the lucky ones...

I was raised to not believe in luck. A saying in my family was, "but for the grace of god go I." We were taught that we made our own luck, and the harder one worked the luckier one got. If you were in a superior position, you were to go forward with humility, considering that others were less fortunate and you were were blessed.

I still think that way, but my experience with mental illness has caused me to question many things and has challenged this way of thinking. Truth be told, I am one of the lucky ones. My depression finally responded to medication. Yes, it took many trials of different meds and different combinations, but my doctors and I finally found the right mix to keep me stable. Many others are not as fortunate.


I recently joined an online support group for families and caregivers of the mentally ill. I joined because of my brother who lives with bipolar disorder. The group addresses all sorts of concerns for getting help for your loved one. It also chronicles the struggles of so many who suffer from serious mental illnesses. I find myself reading their stories with sadness. The problems seem so insurmountable. Many refuse treatment, or fail to acknowledge they are ill. The families who participate in the group share their utter frustration at the vicissitudes of the illnesses and their feelings of powerlessness. Sometimes after reading their stories I experience a grief reaction. I recognize their feelings of hopelessness as they deal with their loved ones.


I experienced hopelessness and helplessness while at my most depressed. I was pushing the proverbial boulder up a hill and the boulder kept rolling back and crushing me. My depression for many years was a constant. I lived in a state of grief, despair and a kind of fog. Everything felt heavy, life was a burden too hard to bear. For whatever reason I did not seek to end my life and for that I am grateful. Again, many are not as fortunate.

So what do I do now that I am moving from recovery to wellness? I think I need to recognize that I am lucky. Despite the fact that I have worked hard in recovery there is the "luck of the draw" factor. I am one of the fortunate ones who have responded to treatment and have had support and a track record of successes. Given all that, I believe my response to such luck should be to help those who find themselves still suffering from the symptoms of mental illness. Yes, but for the grace of God go I, but also, it is incumbent of me to reach out to those affected.

I know that my recovery is a fragile thing. Bipolar illness is chronic and cyclical. I may become depressed again. I might experience mania, the drugs may become ineffectual, or I may have a breakthrough of symptoms. It scares me frankly. Yet, I hold on to the hope that I may not experience relapse, and my efforts will produce a sustained period of wellness. And so I move forward, not without fear and trepidation but forward nonetheless.

A way out of the darkness...

I recently joined a support group for families of those affected by mental illness. I am in a unique position in that my brother is bipolar and I am as well. The horror stories that are shared on the site are so familiar. I have lived some of them! However, I am in recovery and on a steady path to wellness. So what is it that has gotten me to this point of stability?

First and foremost, I believe that you cannot do mental illness on your own strength. I make no apologies for "borrowing" from the strength and support of the people in my life. Some days I just can't summon the will to go on, so I call my "go to" loved ones and look for help. There is no shame in admitting that you are not okay, but I believe there is a pile of regret waiting if you do not reach out and act on your emotions.


The fact is, the medical profession is there to help. I know there is a lot of false information out there that implies that all a doctor will do is listen for 10 minutes then medicate. I have not found that to be the case. There are psychiatrists who will spend time and go through the process of finding the right treatments for your mental illness. I found an excellent doctor in Orange County who spends a substantial amount of time and has been with me for 6 years. Yes I had to tweak my meds and find out what worked for me through trial and error, but I think that is the case with any medical condition.


Therapy has been such an important part of my recovery. It is key to find someone who is an objective listener . Someone who is not emotionally invested that you can say anything to. My bipolar disorder is a liar and often tells me I am helpless, hopeless and less then. I have trouble with negative, catastrophic thinking and my therapy has challenged those beliefs and taught me coping skills. It has been invaluable.


Finally, a word about resilience. It is so important to maintain hope and bounce back from setbacks. The bipolar journey is not linear and you will have twists and turns, ups and downs. If you fall, it's okay, but get back up. I firmly believe that life is worth the living, and you have to have a bit of fight in you to survive a mental illness.


If you or a loved one is struggling living with a mental illness I would encourage you to seek help. Go to the medical community, get a psychiatrist and therapist, join a support group, adhere to medications, build a network of support and work on resilience. Above all else don't give up. I am living proof that a person can reach stability and thrive. If it seems impossible to cope, reach out and ask for help! The national suicide number is 1-800-273-8255. Also contact NAMI and get info on how to connect to support and services. It is possible to manage a mental illness, but there is work involved!