Episode 2020

 Having a breakdown due to a mental illness, is life shattering. Everything you believed about yourself and the people and places around you is altered. I had an episode almost a year ago , and I am still picking up the pieces. So, how does one recover from a life changing event? I've had to revert to the basics and return to methods that cause healing.

Medication is the foundation to my recovery. My crippling anxiety is being treated with Buspar. I take 6 other psychotropic drugs to keep the symptoms of my mental illness at bay. When I was in the hospital I was started on Lithium. Because I was diagnosed with schizoaffectve disorder rather than bipolar disorder, my meds were changed and the approach to the new diagnosis altered.

The big change this time around is that I am attending a partial program. I started going 4 days a week and now am down to 2. It has been an opportunity to process the guilt, shame and horror that accompany a psychiatric event. I think I cried the first 4 months, and faced the fact that I was up against a seriously life changing episode. 

The biggest feeling I have grappled with in all of this is fear. To be out of your mind and told later what you did or said is frightening. To harbor false beliefs and then act on them is not only humiliating but dangerous. I am afraid as I go through one of these episodes and terrified when I come out of one. For example; This episode I had the delusion the I was a political wiz. Now normally I am into politics and am a news junkie. But in the midst of this episode, I believed I had to share my knowledge with the public. Grandiosity plays a big part in my episodes! 

It has been a while since I posted. The act of writing is painful for me after an episode. It brings out all the emotions I have experienced and makes me face my fears. I am terrified of another episode and maybe that is why I stay silent. Writing has a way of drawing me out. If not for the prompting of a faithful friend, I wouldn't try to do this blog again. Too painful! Writing however may be my salvation and a help to someone else. If you are struggling or know someone challenged by a mental illness , I hope you find solace in my experience. Like me, hold on to the hope of a better day, and a life overcoming mental illness.

Fallout of a manic episode...

Manic episodes are devastating. Not only is the brain impacted, the body and emotions suffer. I am coming out of a sever episode. So severe in fact, that I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. The mania was present and raging, but there were features commonly seen in schizophrenia. Delusions, loose associations and paranoia were all a part of my latest bout with mental illness. To be honest, that scares the crap out of me.

Delusions are very real when you are experiencing them. For me, my thinking becomes grandiose and I firmly believe I can do all things. Being just Donna does not suffice. Many who suffer, believe they are the President of the United States, a famous person or even Jesus. Luckily I never have felt very divine but I do experience a clarity and profound insight into spiritual matters. All of these feelings and inclinations disappear when properly medicated, but the fallout is as bad as the episode itself.

Shame and embarrassment dominate my experience now. Although intellectually I know it is not my fault that I have a mental illness, I am nonetheless ashamed. I think to myself, "You should have seen this coming, get a clue and snap out of it!" I am a product of a culture that values intelligence, clarity and success. Having a psychiatric crisis flies in the face of all those ideals and I fall right into the trap of blaming myself.

Embarrassment is a biggie. I am just so damned appalled and disgusted with the actions, conversations and things I did that were so out of character in my manic episode. Words are powerful, and the things said to loved ones while out of your mind are hard to take back. No filter exists between the brain and the mouth and I say the harshest things. Of course when I come to, I want to apologize and fix things. But as the say,"It's already out there."

So where do I go from here? Perhaps the greatest lesson I am now learning is to humble myself and ask for understanding. I pray to God to forgive me for my character flaws that are so exacerbated in mania and ask that He would help me grow emotionally and change. As far as others go, I am going to ask for mercy and grace, fully expecting it may not be given. Tough stuff, but it is the only way I know out of this mess!

Politics, religion and the sanctity of life...

Like so many, I have been following the current political news. The primaries are underway, and things are getting heated. For good reason the two parties are opposed to each other. They have two distinct views on the role of religion in our society and the sanctity of life.

Daniel, my precious son!!  

When I was younger, and to be honest, until recently; I was a proud democrat. Now I know its not politically correct to call out one side or the other, but at some point you have to choose a side to believe in. I now lean right, and for a myriad of reasons. For starters, I believe in the sanctity of life. The Republican party put justices on the Supreme court who will defend the rights of the unborn. This trumps all other rights that a woman may claim. Again, I am probably offending some readers of this blog, but so be it.


I realize that the discussion of politics and religion are somewhat taboo. However I am tired of avoiding the subjects in order to appease someone's fragile sensibilities. Isn't it time we all tackled the tough issues of our times? Can't we do so with our civility in tact? I hope so.


So we have to ask the big question, "Why am I here?".  I believe we are all here on this planet to reflect God's glory, to love our neighbor as we would like to be loved; and serve others. The Golden rule sums it all up. Yet Jesus goes further and tells the Pharisee to love God with all your mind, soul and strength. So, in my mind, it is imperative to use our brain's to grapple with the difficult topics encountered in this life.


So, as far as religion and politics go, my mind is made up. I am a Christian and I make no apologies anymore for my beliefs. Life is precious, and that is a value that everyone can agree on. Can't we? Politics, although it is a touchy subject; is becoming more and more a part of my awareness. I am more and more conservative as I enter my senior years. If this offends, my stance remains the same. It is what it is.  I'll let the chips fall where they may and let God do the judging.

Save the children!

So I find myself entrenched in the toughest period in my long battle with Mental Illness. I haven't checked in in a while, but better late than never! I am attending a Partial Program, and am making progress but sometimes the wheel turns slow.

The jest of the matter is, that ; my brain needs medication for the rest of my life in order to function, and live life to the fullest. My worst fear is that I will run out of the will to stay on track and complete my treatment. For those who read this blog, your thoughts and prayers are so needed during the dark moments I encounter.

The thing about mental illness, regardless of the diagnosis, is they all interfere with the valuable time and efforts a human being expends here on earth. Perhaps the tragedy of out time;

is the lack of services and treatment options for our precious children. This must change!

So this a short blog; but I firmly believe that we as a nation will face these challenges with courage and vigor. Perhaps America will once again be the shining beacon of hope. The world is awaiting our direction and I am sure they will follow. As always, Sincerely, Donna Watson.

Donna's Bipolar Buzz: Going forward....

Donna's Bipolar Buzz: Going forward....:  During difficult times I rely on the wisdom of others. One of my favorite authors John Maxwell described how to tackle problems. He said ba...

Going forward....

 During difficult times I rely on the wisdom of others. One of my favorite authors John Maxwell described how to tackle problems. He said bad experiences are a spring board for creativity. The steps he outlines are to define the problem, brainstorm numerous pathways and after receiving the input of others; implement a course of action!

I am currently facing a difficult diagnosis. I am determined to heed Maxwell's wisdom and implement it into my daily life. I start a program this week that I am hoping will help me cope with mental illness.

I  hope my struggles will in some way benefit others who have the same issues! So, onward I go . Prayers are much appreciated!

Donna's Bipolar Buzz: Grateful and blessed..

Donna's Bipolar Buzz: Grateful and blessed..: Thanksgiving has always been a special time for me. It is a time to express to those we love how grateful we are for their presence in our l...