The nature of the beast...

Bipolar disorder is a bitch. I hate it more than I can say. It's highs lead to psychosis and it's lows lead to a mind numbing depression. I seek stability but just when I think I have gained it some person , circumstance or event comes along to rock my world. I should take comfort in the fact that this happens to everyone. But why am I so affected by what goes on around me?

I have always been super sensitive. As a child I was greatly influenced by the actions of my friends .I still am. A hurtful word can throw me off for days. I don't think this has anything to do with my illness. It's more of a character issue. Perhaps there is a weak spot though, that serves as  a catalyst to depression. I don't want to be so affected but the plain truth is I am. My goal is stability. I shouldn't be subject to the whims of my illness.

Stability is the goal. Some manic-depressives crave mania. The highs are addicting. Who wouldn't want to be on top of the world? Soon after the high however, one comes crashing down. A episode of mania can end in a bout of depression. It is the nature of the beast to swing form one polar to the opposite. I find comfort in the fact that medication coupled with therapy can even me out. Strengthening my emotional life can result in stability. Even though it may be boring, my experience does not have to include hospitalization. I do not have to ride the rollercoaster of manic depression.

I have yet to make peace with my illness. My highs have been to frequent and my lows too debilitating. However I still seek stability and the ability to live my life at even keel. Doesn't everyone seek a life of tranquility? Yes, tough times may come , but I must be in a position to handle the ups and downs of life. Otherwise my reactions will only feed my illness. The nature of the beast may result in chaos. My gal however is to strengthen myself and seek peace.

Full disclosure...

What to do? Do you disclose your mental illness to another or do you keep it private. ? It's a tough decision. If you had cancer it would not be shameful to disclose your condition. However there is a major stigma regarding mental illness. I find that not only do I recognize the stigma, I also keep quiet about my bipolar disorder because I am ashamed. People are still uninformed about diseases of the brain, and I am afraid I will be met with ignorance. I realize that unless people like me disclose,  mental illness will never be fully understood and accepted . Yet I still struggle to speak up.

Like anyone else I want people to see me in the best light possible. When you tell someone you have a major mental illness you run the risk of being rejected , marginalized, or dismissed due to ignorance. I still don't tell people I am bipolar if I feel they would use the information to harm me. But the majority of the time I am met with understanding and at the very least curiosity. My fear of rejection stems from my own shame. I know it's not my fault .I know there is nothing I could have done to change my brain chemistry. I flat out know that I am powerless against the diagnosis. Yet I still blame myself.

It is irrational for me to judge myself so harshly. You are supposed to be on your own team. However I sometimes can't help myself. The stigma of society coupled with my own self doubts hush me up! I want nothing more than to be able to share this burden with others. It is so hard to do when you think you will be judged harshly. However ,I must disclose whenever I believe it is healthy and safe .Why?Disclosing not only makes me a braver person ,it may also open up the possibility for further understanding. I would challenge myself and others to speak out about mental illness. The more we speak out the lesser the stigma. When I speak out , it also eradicates, bit by bit, the shame I feel myself.

one down one to go....

Thanksgiving has passed and I look forward to Christmas. I realize a lot of people have a rough time whether mentally ill or not. I realize that on a previous post I was a bit too one sided in my approach to the holidays.  Many of us struggle during this time of year. I feel that I am at my best during the holidays. Yet I can sympathize with those who suffer during this time of year.

Why are the holidays so difficult? Stress is a big factor. We want things to be perfect ,the perfect gift, party, family get together. When things fall short of our expectations we feel terrible. Perhaps the key word here is expectations. Nothing can ever live uo to the notions of the holidays that we all have. It's been pumped not us from the earliest of ages that Christmas is the "most wonderful time of the year. Tis the season to be jolly, be merry, and happy holidays all tell us to be in the spirit of Christmas. What do we do if our expectations exceed reality and we just can't wait for it to be January the 2nd?

First take into account that you have a mental illness that if you are bipolar affects your mood. Stay steady during the holidays. Continue to do the hard work of recovery despite the season. Keep taking your meds, go to support group and air your concerns to your support team.

Be realistic. In order to stay healthy and stable don't put pressure on yourself to be perfect. There are times when you will have to take a break from all of the hubbub . Be kind to yourself and if you need a break from the action , do so. You won't always feel in the spirit of things ,you might feel depressed and down. Be sure you allow for these feelings and gain some measure of comfort from the fact that we all struggle during the holidays.

Focus on what you love. If your thing is baking, giving gifts, visiting friends and family, pick one and focus your energies on those things . Don't be afraid to avoid the things you don't care for. Saying no to a party, a gathering or an event doesn't mean you are depressed. You may be smart to protect your mental health by avoiding stressful circumstances.

Above all, Try to build some positive memories of the season. January 1st will be here soon enough and with it all of life's realities. When things get tough, A good memory may help you fight on in the new year.