The nature of the beast...

Bipolar disorder is a bitch. I hate it more than I can say. It's highs lead to psychosis and it's lows lead to a mind numbing depression. I seek stability but just when I think I have gained it some person , circumstance or event comes along to rock my world. I should take comfort in the fact that this happens to everyone. But why am I so affected by what goes on around me?

I have always been super sensitive. As a child I was greatly influenced by the actions of my friends .I still am. A hurtful word can throw me off for days. I don't think this has anything to do with my illness. It's more of a character issue. Perhaps there is a weak spot though, that serves as  a catalyst to depression. I don't want to be so affected but the plain truth is I am. My goal is stability. I shouldn't be subject to the whims of my illness.

Stability is the goal. Some manic-depressives crave mania. The highs are addicting. Who wouldn't want to be on top of the world? Soon after the high however, one comes crashing down. A episode of mania can end in a bout of depression. It is the nature of the beast to swing form one polar to the opposite. I find comfort in the fact that medication coupled with therapy can even me out. Strengthening my emotional life can result in stability. Even though it may be boring, my experience does not have to include hospitalization. I do not have to ride the rollercoaster of manic depression.

I have yet to make peace with my illness. My highs have been to frequent and my lows too debilitating. However I still seek stability and the ability to live my life at even keel. Doesn't everyone seek a life of tranquility? Yes, tough times may come , but I must be in a position to handle the ups and downs of life. Otherwise my reactions will only feed my illness. The nature of the beast may result in chaos. My gal however is to strengthen myself and seek peace.