Motherhood and mental illness...

I remember when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had a manic episode when I was 21 and was hospitalized for 3 weeks. My parents and I sat down with the doctor and he delivered the news, I had a mental illness and was to be treated with lithium. At the time we had little knowledge about bipolar illness. I had no idea what he meant or any clue as to what living with a mental illness would look like. We had no reference point.

I am now 51 years old and have dealt with my illness for 30  years. In all honesty my struggles with depression started when I was 15. At 21 we finally put a name to it, and I have been in treatment ever since. The road has been long and sometimes rocky. I have tried innumerable medications, have seen many different doctors and have been hospitalized more times than I care to count. Bipolar disorder has impacted my life more than we even imagined

When I was 26 I got married and started a family. When I was pregnant I had a reprieve from the symptoms of my mental illness. After my son was born however, I had a major manic episode combined with post-partum psychosis. Without the help of my family, I would have never been able to be a mother during that period of time.

At 35 I had another son and repeated the same experience. This time I had an even more severe break and it took me 3 months to come down from the episode. I remember not being able to hold my son because I had the shakes so bad from medication. I struggled to take care of him and my other son while going through the challenges of a major depressive episode. Again without the help of my ex-husband and family, I wouldn't have made it through.

I am often questioned about my choice to have children. Not only was it excruciatingly difficult on my mental health but the possibility that my children would inherit mental illness was high. I honestly didn't weigh the consequences of pregnancy and a motherhood impacted by mental illness. At the time we were somewhat ignorant to the dangers of both. In hindsight I can see how traumatic the events were

but I wouldn't change the outcome. I have two beautiful boys and I don't regret a thing. 

My oldest son was recently diagnosed with major depression and anxiety disorder. So my greatest fear of my children inheriting the illness has been realized. I feel like I have been punched in the gut. Do you know the feeling of waking up and realizing that something has gone drastically wrong, but in your waking moments can't quite recall what it was. Then when you come to, you are faced with the enormity of the previous days events?! That's how I have felt since the news of my son's diagnosis on Tuesday.  I am not surprised by the news , he has struggled for a long time. Putting a name on it though, solidifies the reality that he is suffering.

I want to make it all better, I want it to stop and I want to make it go away. Like all mothers I can't stand to see my child in pain and I am reeling from the fact that he will have to battle mental illness like I have had to. I had hoped that I would be the only one in my family to deal with a disorder, but now my son has been touched by depression. He is in for the fight of his life and I hope I can help him in his journey to wellness.

I sincerely believe that I am better equipped to deal with this than most. I have been there and done that. Above all I realize that he needs more than my advice. He needs a touchstone, someone he can go to to be reassured that this is not a death sentence and that he can survive and even thrive. I am so glad that I have hung in there and can serve as an example for him. We will get through this and we will get to the other side together. I am determined to not let depression have the last word.  

On the tightrope!

Life is hard. I get that . Bipolar life is harder and I get that too. It seems like the everyday struggles that one encounters are magnified when one is struggling with a mental illness. It is like you are being asked to run a race that everyone else is running except with a load on your back.

Lately, my struggles are more pronounced due to events happening in my life. Quiet frankly I am trying to keep it together.

My greatest fear has been that one of my children would develop a psychiatric disorder. My oldest is being evaluated on Tuesday by a psychiatrist. He is suffering from depression and experiencing anxiety attacks. I am heart sick. Having been there, I know I am in the best position to help him, but I would give anything to be able to be the only one in my family who has to deal with mental illness.

At the same time my brother is being released from a psychiatric hospital today. In my opinion he has no business being released. Insurance though kicks most out before they are even ready. This episode was severe and fueled by drug abuse. He has a history of non-compliance to medication and doesn't think he is sick despite repeated bipolar episodes. It is maddening being his sister. I want to shake him to his senses but it does no good. I only hope this rock bottom place that he has come to will force him to face the realities of his illness and his addictions.

In the midst of all this I am trying to maintain. The everyday stress of living with my disorder is getting me down. I try to keep things in perspective and realize that "this too shall pass" but it is an effort. Today I am going to my psychiatrist to check in. While there I am going to see a counselor to unload on someone! I tend to keep feelings pent up and just barrel through tough situations. That won't do. Somehow I am going to have to figure out how to cope with others situations as well as my own "stuff".

I have lived with bipolar disorder for 36 years now. It's a grind. Bipolar doesn't care what your circumstances are, it doesn't give you a break. If anything it makes a tough situation even worse. Not only are you dealing with the immediate, you are dealing with it with a mental illness to boot.

I wish I could say I have learned enough to know how to handle every challenge that life throws my way. At times like these though I feel very vulnerable. My
first order of business will be to seek the professional help I have so carefully garnered. Seeing my doctor today is the first step, talking to people will help. I'll thank god I have medication to take to keep me stable. I will try to breathe. Mostly though I will pray for strength to face the day. I am praying for peace, god granted, and much needed.