On the tightrope!

Life is hard. I get that . Bipolar life is harder and I get that too. It seems like the everyday struggles that one encounters are magnified when one is struggling with a mental illness. It is like you are being asked to run a race that everyone else is running except with a load on your back.

Lately, my struggles are more pronounced due to events happening in my life. Quiet frankly I am trying to keep it together.

My greatest fear has been that one of my children would develop a psychiatric disorder. My oldest is being evaluated on Tuesday by a psychiatrist. He is suffering from depression and experiencing anxiety attacks. I am heart sick. Having been there, I know I am in the best position to help him, but I would give anything to be able to be the only one in my family who has to deal with mental illness.

At the same time my brother is being released from a psychiatric hospital today. In my opinion he has no business being released. Insurance though kicks most out before they are even ready. This episode was severe and fueled by drug abuse. He has a history of non-compliance to medication and doesn't think he is sick despite repeated bipolar episodes. It is maddening being his sister. I want to shake him to his senses but it does no good. I only hope this rock bottom place that he has come to will force him to face the realities of his illness and his addictions.

In the midst of all this I am trying to maintain. The everyday stress of living with my disorder is getting me down. I try to keep things in perspective and realize that "this too shall pass" but it is an effort. Today I am going to my psychiatrist to check in. While there I am going to see a counselor to unload on someone! I tend to keep feelings pent up and just barrel through tough situations. That won't do. Somehow I am going to have to figure out how to cope with others situations as well as my own "stuff".

I have lived with bipolar disorder for 36 years now. It's a grind. Bipolar doesn't care what your circumstances are, it doesn't give you a break. If anything it makes a tough situation even worse. Not only are you dealing with the immediate, you are dealing with it with a mental illness to boot.

I wish I could say I have learned enough to know how to handle every challenge that life throws my way. At times like these though I feel very vulnerable. My
first order of business will be to seek the professional help I have so carefully garnered. Seeing my doctor today is the first step, talking to people will help. I'll thank god I have medication to take to keep me stable. I will try to breathe. Mostly though I will pray for strength to face the day. I am praying for peace, god granted, and much needed.