Motherhood and mental illness...

I remember when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had a manic episode when I was 21 and was hospitalized for 3 weeks. My parents and I sat down with the doctor and he delivered the news, I had a mental illness and was to be treated with lithium. At the time we had little knowledge about bipolar illness. I had no idea what he meant or any clue as to what living with a mental illness would look like. We had no reference point.

I am now 51 years old and have dealt with my illness for 30  years. In all honesty my struggles with depression started when I was 15. At 21 we finally put a name to it, and I have been in treatment ever since. The road has been long and sometimes rocky. I have tried innumerable medications, have seen many different doctors and have been hospitalized more times than I care to count. Bipolar disorder has impacted my life more than we even imagined

When I was 26 I got married and started a family. When I was pregnant I had a reprieve from the symptoms of my mental illness. After my son was born however, I had a major manic episode combined with post-partum psychosis. Without the help of my family, I would have never been able to be a mother during that period of time.

At 35 I had another son and repeated the same experience. This time I had an even more severe break and it took me 3 months to come down from the episode. I remember not being able to hold my son because I had the shakes so bad from medication. I struggled to take care of him and my other son while going through the challenges of a major depressive episode. Again without the help of my ex-husband and family, I wouldn't have made it through.

I am often questioned about my choice to have children. Not only was it excruciatingly difficult on my mental health but the possibility that my children would inherit mental illness was high. I honestly didn't weigh the consequences of pregnancy and a motherhood impacted by mental illness. At the time we were somewhat ignorant to the dangers of both. In hindsight I can see how traumatic the events were

but I wouldn't change the outcome. I have two beautiful boys and I don't regret a thing. 

My oldest son was recently diagnosed with major depression and anxiety disorder. So my greatest fear of my children inheriting the illness has been realized. I feel like I have been punched in the gut. Do you know the feeling of waking up and realizing that something has gone drastically wrong, but in your waking moments can't quite recall what it was. Then when you come to, you are faced with the enormity of the previous days events?! That's how I have felt since the news of my son's diagnosis on Tuesday.  I am not surprised by the news , he has struggled for a long time. Putting a name on it though, solidifies the reality that he is suffering.

I want to make it all better, I want it to stop and I want to make it go away. Like all mothers I can't stand to see my child in pain and I am reeling from the fact that he will have to battle mental illness like I have had to. I had hoped that I would be the only one in my family to deal with a disorder, but now my son has been touched by depression. He is in for the fight of his life and I hope I can help him in his journey to wellness.

I sincerely believe that I am better equipped to deal with this than most. I have been there and done that. Above all I realize that he needs more than my advice. He needs a touchstone, someone he can go to to be reassured that this is not a death sentence and that he can survive and even thrive. I am so glad that I have hung in there and can serve as an example for him. We will get through this and we will get to the other side together. I am determined to not let depression have the last word.