A Bipolar Motherhood

My greatest loss in my struggle with mental illness is the loss of physical custody of my two sons. Fourteen years ago my ex husband and I divorced following a tempestuous relationship and a marriage rocked by bipolar disorder. He was awarded physical custody and we share legal custody.

At the time of our divorce I had just returned home from a hospitalization and he simply told me he couldn't be married anymore. Looking back I don't blame him. Our 11 years together were hallmarked with my manic and depressive episodes. I had manic episodes after both sons and they required multiple hospitalizations. In between were periods of long, agonizing depressions that sapped the vitality out of our marriage. And so it ended.

My youngest son Daniel was 2 years old and my son Jake , 8 when the divorce was finalized. It was a crushing blow. I knew that given my situation I was not able to care for them, but the reality of that almost did me in. My moods did not cycle at the time, they remained in a deep depression. And no wonder! My motherhood had been questioned and a judge had deemed me unable to care for my boys.

For years after our separation the boys and I maintained our relationship on the phone and on visitations. It was a real challenge to stay connected. We are very close and it is a result of tenacity on my part and the willingness of my ex to facilitate my relationship with them. I give him a lot of credit for stepping up and raising our sons. I recognized along time ago that he was impacted by mental illness in ways that were devastating to him too.

So often we hear about the challenges that a mentally ill person experiences, but sometimes we neglect to realize the impact it has on the people that love them. My ex husband was a casualty of my mental illness. He just couldn't hang in there. However, there have been people in my life that have stood the test and have supported me in my bipolar struggle. My family surrounds me with love and encouragement. My oldest son Jake is always prompting me to aim higher and live beyond my mental illness. Daniel my youngest, makes me want to live in large part because he is just so darned adorable. I have friends who love me despite the illness and urge me to press on toward the goal of wellness. They say it takes a village, and it has.

Although I don't have physical custody of my children and I have lost many friends, the relationships I have now with the kids and with those who have remained in my life are strong. My children are, in my opinion, stronger human beings because of having a mother who lives with bipolar disorder. They have seen me struggle over the years and have gained a sense of compassion that is unique to their experience. They are educated about mental illness and will be a part of a new generation that is less apt to stigmatize it.

My children and I are becoming even closer . They are 16 and 23. Jake has a great new job and is growing as a young man. Danny is a junior in high school and is playing well on the school's golf team. Th
ey are both headed in the right direction and need their mother to be present. I feel like I am accomplishing that more and more. Perhaps the dark days are behind us.

Mental illness has impacted my life to the point where I am no longer the same person I was fourteen years ago. I hope I have grown because of it and not become stunted in my journey. I know for sure that the relationships that have endured are so much richer for the experience. It's a funny thing , but mental illness has given the gift of gratitude. I am so thankful for the love and support I have received and can testify to the healing power of family and friends!

 

My Bipolar Journey...

In 2011 I was released from a long term psychiatric hospital. I was given a hundred and fifty dollars and placed in a board and care in Long Beach, California. I had been in three different hospitals for a total of 9 months and was conserved for 6 of those months. Conserved means that I was considered gravely disabled by my mental illness and unable to care for myself. I appeared before a judge in L.A. county to determine if I could be released. She asked me if I understood that i had a mental illness and my answer was that of course I did.

What I didn't understand at the time is that a majority of  those suffering from a mental illness lack insight into their condition. Many just don't want to see themselves as sick. I knew i was ill. In fact I don't remember most of that court hearing because I was so in the thick of my bipolar episode. I do remember the judge wishing me good luck and releasing me on the condition that the next step for me would be a board and care. While in one, I would be given my medication and monitored.

The first place I lived in was called Scandia. It was beyond awful. It was filthy and the tenants were severely mentally ill as well. Everyone seemed symptomatic and most of the time everyone just sat around smoking or attempting to bum a cigarette. It was the activity of the day. So for three months I lived there not getting better. There was no chance I could in that kind of atmosphere. Finally my case worker got me into another board and care in Carson.

This one was better. It was clean and quiet. I shared a house with 5 others, and started to pull out of my bipolar haze. From there I transferred to a half way house for women in Garden Grove and got connected with a group called Telecare. I worked with them for 6 months setting goals and achieving some semblance of wellness. I was taking my own medication and attending to my own ADL's (activities of daily living). Basically I was starting to take care of myself and attempting to be on my own. Telecare eventually placed me in an apartment in Irvine. It has taken three years to fully come out of the episode and regroup while living here.

I am working , but not at a job I am challenged by. It is a grind. Although my job is tough and menial, I have benefited from it in ways that I couldn't have imagined. The day to day responsibility of showing up and having a schedule forced me to be present. In the moment, I could focus on repetitive tasks that healed my broken mind. I can see now how  crucial work has been no matter how small the task.The truth is when I first started it was a challenge. Concentrating was difficult and interaction with customers daunting. I was used to isolating and getting back into life with other people took a lot of work.


One of the hardest things I am trying to change is my approach to living with a mental illness. Stigma isn't just something from the outside, it is also imposed from within. I self-stigmatize. A lot. I limit my interaction with life because I think my mental illness puts me at a disadvantage. I am tentative in my interaction with others and reluctant to move forward into the unknown. Depression is familiar to me, I am used to struggling with it. What I am new to is stability. I need to believe that my mental illness need not hold me back. It is going to be a challenge to correct my thinking!

Sharing all this is not easy. We all want to be seen in the best light, but the reality is I had a psychiatric meltdown and it devastated my life. If only one person can gain hope in their battle by hearing about mine it will have been worth it. That is why I share all the ugly truths about mental illness and especially bipolar disorder.

So what now? I am in a new working relationship with a psychiatrist who takes a holistic approach to treatment. My first appointment was very comprehensive and resulted in the termination of two of my anti-depressants. I am trying a new drug called Aplenza, and after the initial side effects subsided I am feeling better physically and mentally.  Hopefully I am heading in the right direction with these changes and can thrive instead of just surviving. I guess one of the keys to living with a chronic mental illness is to just hang in there until help comes along!