What I didn't understand at the time is that a majority of those suffering from a mental illness lack insight into their condition. Many just don't want to see themselves as sick. I knew i was ill. In fact I don't remember most of that court hearing because I was so in the thick of my bipolar episode. I do remember the judge wishing me good luck and releasing me on the condition that the next step for me would be a board and care. While in one, I would be given my medication and monitored.
The first place I lived in was called Scandia. It was beyond awful. It was filthy and the tenants were severely mentally ill as well. Everyone seemed symptomatic and most of the time everyone just sat around smoking or attempting to bum a cigarette. It was the activity of the day. So for three months I lived there not getting better. There was no chance I could in that kind of atmosphere. Finally my case worker got me into another board and care in Carson.
This one was better. It was clean and quiet. I shared a house with 5 others, and started to pull out of my bipolar haze. From there I transferred to a half way house for women in Garden Grove and got connected with a group called Telecare. I worked with them for 6 months setting goals and achieving some semblance of wellness. I was taking my own medication and attending to my own ADL's (activities of daily living). Basically I was starting to take care of myself and attempting to be on my own. Telecare eventually placed me in an apartment in Irvine. It has taken three years to fully come out of the episode and regroup while living here.
I am working , but not at a job I am challenged by. It is a grind. Although my job is tough and menial, I have benefited from it in ways that I couldn't have imagined. The day to day responsibility of showing up and having a schedule forced me to be present. In the moment, I could focus on repetitive tasks that healed my broken mind. I can see now how crucial work has been no matter how small the task.The truth is when I first started it was a challenge. Concentrating was difficult and interaction with customers daunting. I was used to isolating and getting back into life with other people took a lot of work.
One of the hardest things I am trying to change is my approach to living with a mental illness. Stigma isn't just something from the outside, it is also imposed from within. I self-stigmatize. A lot. I limit my interaction with life because I think my mental illness puts me at a disadvantage. I am tentative in my interaction with others and reluctant to move forward into the unknown. Depression is familiar to me, I am used to struggling with it. What I am new to is stability. I need to believe that my mental illness need not hold me back. It is going to be a challenge to correct my thinking!
Sharing all this is not easy. We all want to be seen in the best light, but the reality is I had a psychiatric meltdown and it devastated my life. If only one person can gain hope in their battle by hearing about mine it will have been worth it. That is why I share all the ugly truths about mental illness and especially bipolar disorder.
So what now? I am in a new working relationship with a psychiatrist who takes a holistic approach to treatment. My first appointment was very comprehensive and resulted in the termination of two of my anti-depressants. I am trying a new drug called Aplenza, and after the initial side effects subsided I am feeling better physically and mentally. Hopefully I am heading in the right direction with these changes and can thrive instead of just surviving. I guess one of the keys to living with a chronic mental illness is to just hang in there until help comes along!
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