A Bipolar Motherhood

My greatest loss in my struggle with mental illness is the loss of physical custody of my two sons. Fourteen years ago my ex husband and I divorced following a tempestuous relationship and a marriage rocked by bipolar disorder. He was awarded physical custody and we share legal custody.

At the time of our divorce I had just returned home from a hospitalization and he simply told me he couldn't be married anymore. Looking back I don't blame him. Our 11 years together were hallmarked with my manic and depressive episodes. I had manic episodes after both sons and they required multiple hospitalizations. In between were periods of long, agonizing depressions that sapped the vitality out of our marriage. And so it ended.

My youngest son Daniel was 2 years old and my son Jake , 8 when the divorce was finalized. It was a crushing blow. I knew that given my situation I was not able to care for them, but the reality of that almost did me in. My moods did not cycle at the time, they remained in a deep depression. And no wonder! My motherhood had been questioned and a judge had deemed me unable to care for my boys.

For years after our separation the boys and I maintained our relationship on the phone and on visitations. It was a real challenge to stay connected. We are very close and it is a result of tenacity on my part and the willingness of my ex to facilitate my relationship with them. I give him a lot of credit for stepping up and raising our sons. I recognized along time ago that he was impacted by mental illness in ways that were devastating to him too.

So often we hear about the challenges that a mentally ill person experiences, but sometimes we neglect to realize the impact it has on the people that love them. My ex husband was a casualty of my mental illness. He just couldn't hang in there. However, there have been people in my life that have stood the test and have supported me in my bipolar struggle. My family surrounds me with love and encouragement. My oldest son Jake is always prompting me to aim higher and live beyond my mental illness. Daniel my youngest, makes me want to live in large part because he is just so darned adorable. I have friends who love me despite the illness and urge me to press on toward the goal of wellness. They say it takes a village, and it has.

Although I don't have physical custody of my children and I have lost many friends, the relationships I have now with the kids and with those who have remained in my life are strong. My children are, in my opinion, stronger human beings because of having a mother who lives with bipolar disorder. They have seen me struggle over the years and have gained a sense of compassion that is unique to their experience. They are educated about mental illness and will be a part of a new generation that is less apt to stigmatize it.

My children and I are becoming even closer . They are 16 and 23. Jake has a great new job and is growing as a young man. Danny is a junior in high school and is playing well on the school's golf team. Th
ey are both headed in the right direction and need their mother to be present. I feel like I am accomplishing that more and more. Perhaps the dark days are behind us.

Mental illness has impacted my life to the point where I am no longer the same person I was fourteen years ago. I hope I have grown because of it and not become stunted in my journey. I know for sure that the relationships that have endured are so much richer for the experience. It's a funny thing , but mental illness has given the gift of gratitude. I am so thankful for the love and support I have received and can testify to the healing power of family and friends!