Never, never, never quit!

Depression wins many of the battles in my life. It dominates my thinking and sends me to a dark place where all hope is gone and a feeling of helplessness presides. I have lost myself to the symptoms of depression so many times that i have become battle weary. It is hard to keep your head up and your heart engaged when you are at a loss on how to cope.

I have felt this way many times in my struggle with bipolar depression. It does not matter what the circumstances of my life are, (good things can be happening) it is a force that dominates and needs to be dealt with in the most aggressive of ways.

Some say that acceptance is the key to dealing with mental illness. I do accept the fact that I am mentally ill but I don't accept the notion that I have to be a victim of it's power. I feel compelled to assess my life and see if their is any area that I am not addressing in my struggle with the disease. I need to fight on regardless of my feelings.

Recently I started getting an injection of Abilify. I needed to continue taking it in pill form for three weeks. It has been my hardest med change yet. I felt sick to my stomach, tired and as a result overwhelmed by the illness. It again brought me to my knees. So why do I continue to get up and live on?

I make no apology that I feed off the love, energy and vitality of others. The expectations of the possibility of wellness is motivation to keep on keeping on! My loved ones hold onto hope for me when I am at my wits end. They point out the good and make me take a second look a my attitudes towards life. Depression may take me to a dark and scary place, my supporters take me back to the light and calm my worst fears.

I am curious as to how my life will turn out. It is another reason why I hold on. I cannot tolerate a fatalistic perspective. I have to believe that I can win some of the battles I have with bipolar disorder. I hang on for one more day of clarity where I can appreciate and be grateful for the life I have been given. I don't quit because it is simply not an option for me. I want to be present when the depression lifts and life goes on.

I don't condemn those who have lost their struggle with mental illness. I do wish they had survived one more day. One more day to arrive at a place of peace and hope. It has taken everything in me to not quit, throw up my hands and say"I give"! I survive because of the grace, help, and love of others. I hope that if you are reading this and struggling you will realize that you are not alone. Hold onto hope knowing that you can recover and something or someone will meet you on the other side. Never, never, never quit. A new perspective may be just a day away.