Home Sweet Home.

I recently completed a recertification for my apartment. I live in a complex that has 12 units reserved for the mentally ill by the county. After my last episode 7 years ago. I secured this living situation through a group I was with that provided services for those affected by mental illness seeking housing. I had lived in board and care situations for 2 years and was ready for a place of my own.

I am so grateful for my apartment. It is in a lovely section of Irvine in Orange County Ca. It has been a place of healing and grounding for me. I have a job across the street and it is central to where my family is located. It is just a skip away from my parents and sister and easily reached by my sons. It has been a total blessing and I consider myself so fortunate to have it.

Unfortunately the other 11 units are occupied by consumers who aren't doing as well. There are several occupants who have become recluses, emerging from their apartments only occasionally. One tenant is constantly in the throes of his schizophrenia, talking to himself incessantly. I pass his apartment on my walk out of the gate on the way to work and here him arguing with the voices that no doubt torment him. One other, has been transported by ambulance to the hospital more times than I can count. I think that this raises the question of whether independent housing is always the answer for people living with a serious mental illness.

I believe in group housing. There, a consumer has a shot at success because they are supported and have a sense of community. Left to their own devices many who experience the symptoms of serious mental illness do not do well in an independent unit. I have succeeded because of my support system of family, work, and accessing help from a psychiatrist and therapist. There is a representative from the group I was associated with on site. I check in with her and maintain some relationships within the complex.

I don't think my success is to be lauded because in a very real way it has come only because I am fortunate to have become stable. My bipolar disorder is responding well to treatment. Medication, therapy and a constant relationship with my psychiatrist have propelled me to this level. But to be honest, many don't respond as well through no fault of their own. Their illness is treatment resistant and they struggle. Adding the responsibility of maintaining a living space while managing an illness is just too much and they eventually fail.

I believe as state and federal governments seek to solve the problem of housing the homeless mentally ill, they should consider many factors other than the just the lack of units to house them. Substance abuse, medication compliance and the individuals history of managing their illness should all taken into consideration. Simply putting someone who is affected into an apartment is not the answer. Group homes and wraparound services should accompany the solution. It may not be politically correct, but without support very few of the homeless mentally ill will be able to maintain a independent living situation.

Before being hit with my disorder and a divorce, I was a homeowner and knew how to create a home. That is what I have done with my apartment. At first, I decorated with things my best friend gave me. My family kicked in and helped me make things pleasantly livable. Now, every paycheck I get something for the place. They are small improvements, but they matter to me. I have made a healing space for myself and am so thankful for the opportunity to do so. I know however that it would all change if I was irresponsible about my illness or had a change in my stability. So, I hold on for dear life and move forward one step at a time.

It is my hope that all those affected by mental illness get the help they so desperately need and access affordable housing and the means to sustain it. The more services the better and I am a big proponent of spending money on things that matter. Access to care, medication, substance abuse interventions and community based services should all get the attention they deserve. We need to solve the problem, but as a person living with a mental illness, I believe the solution has to take a look at the ability of the person to mange their mental illness. It is a harsh reality, but compliance is a major issue and a deal breaker. All of these factors must be taken into consideration. It is the sensible, compassionate and realistic way to solve the housing crisis.

For the boys...

I used to dread Mother's day. For a major portion of my kid's lives I did not have custody of my children and parented from afar. I was diagnosed with a mental illness way before they were born but was extremely ill during my first borns early years and the first two years of my second son's life. My ex and I eventually divorced and he got physical custody. I kept involved in their lives by phone calls, visitations and family events. But it was never enough. I was consumed by grief at the loss and for many years celebrated Mother's day in a funk.


Now that my boys are grown they have become a part of my life in a big way. My oldest Jake is recently married and now I have a daughter in law, Julie! Danny is in college and works and is involved with Young Life. I talk to them frequently, they both live close, and I see them often. The days of arranging to see them are over and I have entered a new phase in my life with them. The grief that so often accompanied my dealings with them is gone and has been replaced by an excitement of things that are happening and hope for the future. Mother's day this year is going to be sweet!


I am so grateful for the way things have turned out. For many years I didn't think I could endure the separations, the missed events and opportunities to be with my sons. I hung in there for dear life and have come to this place as a result of just waiting things out. Time really does heal wounds! It took the boys becoming adults with their own cars, decisions and agendas to come to our current relationships. I am so glad I didn't give up and saw things through to this point!

Danny, Julie and Jake!

Now that I am stable, I look forward to my future with the boys. It is clear to me now that my mental illness does not have to dominate my relationship with them. I believe , in fact, that they are better men because of having a Mom who lives with a disorder. They are compassionate, loving and caring in their dealings with others and very supportive of my journey. I couldn't ask for a better outcome to a story that was fraught with pain and difficulty.


I am so grateful this Mother's day for my children and my own Mom, but I know this day can be difficult and painful for many. I am fortunate to still have my Mom, but others have lost theirs due to illness, emotional distance or even mental illness. I hope that if you are reading this and live with a mental illness and are a Mom, you will find help and healing. If you are struggling this Mother's day, you can contact NAMI and find support groups where you can find understanding and support. If you need to talk to someone you can also call a NAMI warm line. Also, you can contact the National Suicide Prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255.  You will find help if you are suicidal or in emotional distress. Please reach out and get the help you need!

Be Happy NOW!!!

Happiness is a tricky subject. We all pursue happiness, sometimes we gain it but often times it is elusive. If you are bipolar, happiness can seem like an unreachable destination, but I am here to tell you it is possible to be happy in spite of a mental illness diagnosis.

For many years I suffered from crippling bipolar depression. Everyday was a struggle to just keep breathing and carry on. Many of my life events were tainted with sadness because I felt I should be happy but I was experiencing painful symptoms. My depression dominated my thinking and I lived in a negative, dark and dreary place in my mind. It was near impossible to participate in life because my brain was sick, disorienting me and making me slow, sad, dispirited, and disheartened. Physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted, I finally reached a breaking point in 2011 and was admitted to a hospital. I stayed 9 months.

My 2011 break was the worst one I have ever had. It totally wiped me out. I left the hospital in a funk , not even recovered, and proceeded to try to get my life back. It has taken 8 years to recover from that breakdown. During that time I have had some blips, but have not cycled in and out of mania and depression. I credit this to quality care, the support of family and friends and my innate desire to get well! 

There are several reasons I think I  have been able to recover. I see a psychiatrist regularly, not just when symptoms occur. I am on a strict medication routine and have adhered to it regardless of how I feel. (I take my meds even when I am feeling better!) I see a therapist and talk about my feelings and struggles. I rely on my support people to give me feed back on how I am doing and unashamedly ask for help when I need it. 

Diet, activity, exercise mindfulness, faith and self-care are all components to a wellness plan. I am working on some of these and doing better in some areas than in others. I haven't yet reached total success in some, but I am moving forward and learning new ways achieve my goals. 

Perseverance is the most important key to my rise out of the darkness. I have had to set my mind on moving forward despite symptoms, med changes and everyday life frustrations. Depression tends to kill your motivation but I feel that it is essential to find something to hold onto in order to pull yourself up out of the madness. Some people look to their children as motivation to hold on and keep going. I am guilty of this and looking to other loved ones, borrowing from their strength

and hope. I do this without apology. Rather than thinking I am a burden I remind myself that when I am engaged in life I can give back as much as I recieved. In fact , when I am well, it is my intention to give back above and beyond what is deserved. 

I have decided recently to choose happiness in spite of circumstances. I choose to be happy now even when trying to obtain wellness and achieve the goals I have set. I am not going to wait to until I am stronger, thinner, richer, faster, smarter, problem free, (you get it!) to be happy!

Happiness for me is that feeling of contentment, peace, and well-being that only comes when I am settled and stable. I can honestly say that I am getting to a place where I can launch from stability into the next level of wellness. Like everyone else, I have "issues" that need addressing that were often overlooked because of the overriding depression and mania's in my journey. The next level for me is taking a fierce inventory and see where I am at compared to where I want to go. I look forward to gaining momentum and achieving some goals. Yes, i have a ways to go, but I look forward to the challenge!