For many years I suffered from crippling bipolar depression. Everyday was a struggle to just keep breathing and carry on. Many of my life events were tainted with sadness because I felt I should be happy but I was experiencing painful symptoms. My depression dominated my thinking and I lived in a negative, dark and dreary place in my mind. It was near impossible to participate in life because my brain was sick, disorienting me and making me slow, sad, dispirited, and disheartened. Physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted, I finally reached a breaking point in 2011 and was admitted to a hospital. I stayed 9 months.
My 2011 break was the worst one I have ever had. It totally wiped me out. I left the hospital in a funk , not even recovered, and proceeded to try to get my life back. It has taken 8 years to recover from that breakdown. During that time I have had some blips, but have not cycled in and out of mania and depression. I credit this to quality care, the support of family and friends and my innate desire to get well!
There are several reasons I think I have been able to recover. I see a psychiatrist regularly, not just when symptoms occur. I am on a strict medication routine and have adhered to it regardless of how I feel. (I take my meds even when I am feeling better!) I see a therapist and talk about my feelings and struggles. I rely on my support people to give me feed back on how I am doing and unashamedly ask for help when I need it.
Diet, activity, exercise mindfulness, faith and self-care are all components to a wellness plan. I am working on some of these and doing better in some areas than in others. I haven't yet reached total success in some, but I am moving forward and learning new ways achieve my goals.
Perseverance is the most important key to my rise out of the darkness. I have had to set my mind on moving forward despite symptoms, med changes and everyday life frustrations. Depression tends to kill your motivation but I feel that it is essential to find something to hold onto in order to pull yourself up out of the madness. Some people look to their children as motivation to hold on and keep going. I am guilty of this and looking to other loved ones, borrowing from their strength
and hope. I do this without apology. Rather than thinking I am a burden I remind myself that when I am engaged in life I can give back as much as I recieved. In fact , when I am well, it is my intention to give back above and beyond what is deserved.
I have decided recently to choose happiness in spite of circumstances. I choose to be happy now even when trying to obtain wellness and achieve the goals I have set. I am not going to wait to until I am stronger, thinner, richer, faster, smarter, problem free, (you get it!) to be happy!
Happiness for me is that feeling of contentment, peace, and well-being that only comes when I am settled and stable. I can honestly say that I am getting to a place where I can launch from stability into the next level of wellness. Like everyone else, I have "issues" that need addressing that were often overlooked because of the overriding depression and mania's in my journey. The next level for me is taking a fierce inventory and see where I am at compared to where I want to go. I look forward to gaining momentum and achieving some goals. Yes, i have a ways to go, but I look forward to the challenge!
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