Fallout of a manic episode...

Manic episodes are devastating. Not only is the brain impacted, the body and emotions suffer. I am coming out of a sever episode. So severe in fact, that I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. The mania was present and raging, but there were features commonly seen in schizophrenia. Delusions, loose associations and paranoia were all a part of my latest bout with mental illness. To be honest, that scares the crap out of me.

Delusions are very real when you are experiencing them. For me, my thinking becomes grandiose and I firmly believe I can do all things. Being just Donna does not suffice. Many who suffer, believe they are the President of the United States, a famous person or even Jesus. Luckily I never have felt very divine but I do experience a clarity and profound insight into spiritual matters. All of these feelings and inclinations disappear when properly medicated, but the fallout is as bad as the episode itself.

Shame and embarrassment dominate my experience now. Although intellectually I know it is not my fault that I have a mental illness, I am nonetheless ashamed. I think to myself, "You should have seen this coming, get a clue and snap out of it!" I am a product of a culture that values intelligence, clarity and success. Having a psychiatric crisis flies in the face of all those ideals and I fall right into the trap of blaming myself.

Embarrassment is a biggie. I am just so damned appalled and disgusted with the actions, conversations and things I did that were so out of character in my manic episode. Words are powerful, and the things said to loved ones while out of your mind are hard to take back. No filter exists between the brain and the mouth and I say the harshest things. Of course when I come to, I want to apologize and fix things. But as the say,"It's already out there."

So where do I go from here? Perhaps the greatest lesson I am now learning is to humble myself and ask for understanding. I pray to God to forgive me for my character flaws that are so exacerbated in mania and ask that He would help me grow emotionally and change. As far as others go, I am going to ask for mercy and grace, fully expecting it may not be given. Tough stuff, but it is the only way I know out of this mess!

Politics, religion and the sanctity of life...

Like so many, I have been following the current political news. The primaries are underway, and things are getting heated. For good reason the two parties are opposed to each other. They have two distinct views on the role of religion in our society and the sanctity of life.

Daniel, my precious son!!  

When I was younger, and to be honest, until recently; I was a proud democrat. Now I know its not politically correct to call out one side or the other, but at some point you have to choose a side to believe in. I now lean right, and for a myriad of reasons. For starters, I believe in the sanctity of life. The Republican party put justices on the Supreme court who will defend the rights of the unborn. This trumps all other rights that a woman may claim. Again, I am probably offending some readers of this blog, but so be it.


I realize that the discussion of politics and religion are somewhat taboo. However I am tired of avoiding the subjects in order to appease someone's fragile sensibilities. Isn't it time we all tackled the tough issues of our times? Can't we do so with our civility in tact? I hope so.


So we have to ask the big question, "Why am I here?".  I believe we are all here on this planet to reflect God's glory, to love our neighbor as we would like to be loved; and serve others. The Golden rule sums it all up. Yet Jesus goes further and tells the Pharisee to love God with all your mind, soul and strength. So, in my mind, it is imperative to use our brain's to grapple with the difficult topics encountered in this life.


So, as far as religion and politics go, my mind is made up. I am a Christian and I make no apologies anymore for my beliefs. Life is precious, and that is a value that everyone can agree on. Can't we? Politics, although it is a touchy subject; is becoming more and more a part of my awareness. I am more and more conservative as I enter my senior years. If this offends, my stance remains the same. It is what it is.  I'll let the chips fall where they may and let God do the judging.