Fallout of a manic episode...

Manic episodes are devastating. Not only is the brain impacted, the body and emotions suffer. I am coming out of a sever episode. So severe in fact, that I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. The mania was present and raging, but there were features commonly seen in schizophrenia. Delusions, loose associations and paranoia were all a part of my latest bout with mental illness. To be honest, that scares the crap out of me.

Delusions are very real when you are experiencing them. For me, my thinking becomes grandiose and I firmly believe I can do all things. Being just Donna does not suffice. Many who suffer, believe they are the President of the United States, a famous person or even Jesus. Luckily I never have felt very divine but I do experience a clarity and profound insight into spiritual matters. All of these feelings and inclinations disappear when properly medicated, but the fallout is as bad as the episode itself.

Shame and embarrassment dominate my experience now. Although intellectually I know it is not my fault that I have a mental illness, I am nonetheless ashamed. I think to myself, "You should have seen this coming, get a clue and snap out of it!" I am a product of a culture that values intelligence, clarity and success. Having a psychiatric crisis flies in the face of all those ideals and I fall right into the trap of blaming myself.

Embarrassment is a biggie. I am just so damned appalled and disgusted with the actions, conversations and things I did that were so out of character in my manic episode. Words are powerful, and the things said to loved ones while out of your mind are hard to take back. No filter exists between the brain and the mouth and I say the harshest things. Of course when I come to, I want to apologize and fix things. But as the say,"It's already out there."

So where do I go from here? Perhaps the greatest lesson I am now learning is to humble myself and ask for understanding. I pray to God to forgive me for my character flaws that are so exacerbated in mania and ask that He would help me grow emotionally and change. As far as others go, I am going to ask for mercy and grace, fully expecting it may not be given. Tough stuff, but it is the only way I know out of this mess!