My name is Donna...

Recently a friend helped me acquire a bunch of likes on my facebook page. My blog appears on the page so I thought I'd introduce myself to my new followers.

My name is Donna Watson. Since I was 15 years old I have been living with bipolar disorder. My symptoms started at a young age but my first manic episode happened as a freshman in college. I was 21 and blindsided by the illness. I was hospitalized for three weeks after being medicated with lithium. My parents were told that as long as I took it I would be fine. Needless to say the knowledge about bipolar disoreder was not as advanced as it is today. I struggled through college and throughout the last 35 years with the disease. Sometimes I won the battle to live on, other times I succumbed to it's power to devastate. My blog is about these struggles and what has and has not worked for me in my journey.

My sincere wish is that this blog will touch the lives of those with mental illness and those that love them. Bipolar disorder takes no prisoners. It can and will ruin your life if not vigilantly treated. Bipolar does not discriminate. It effects people of every race, creed, and social status. I hope this blog helps people across the spectrum.

* A special note to those readers who are loved ones, colleagues and friends of bipolar consumers... You are probobly reading up on mental illness beacause you are involved with someone who is suffering. I hope this blog and my facebook page "Donna's Bipolar Buzz" help you to get the latest info on mental illness and
help you understand what it's like to struggle with the disorder. My desire is to  not only inform the reader,  but to help open up a conversation on mental illness.
Your stories and comments are most welcome!

Four years ago this month I was hospitalized for a major manic episode. It seems like yesterday that I entered the system. In the course of my stay I was conserved by the state. This means that the state took over my case. I lost my drivers licence, my right to vote and was hospitalized for a long nine months. I was very sick
and treated accordingly!


The nine months I spent in college hospital Costa Mesa and La casa in Long beach were horrific. Mercifully I don't recall the first couple of months. My psychosis was very severe and my memories of the first hospital are sketchy at best. I do remember the next six months though, and sometimes I wish I didn't. All the stereotypical sights and sounds of a mental institution were present. I remember the screaming, the patients walking around in a stupor, the insanity of it all.

After eight months I went before a judge in Los Angeles to review my conservatorship. I pleaded with the judge to let me out of the hospital. I admitted that I was severly bipolar and this impressed her. Many in my position exhibit lack of insight in regards to their illness. (Meaning most can't bring themselves to believe they are ill and would rather reside in denial.) The judge ruled that I be taken off of conservatorship and sent to a board and care after one more month of recovery. That month was excruciatingly long but I survived and moved on to a place called Scandia.

Scandia was worse than the hospital. It was filthy and looked like a run down motel. The residents spent their days in a a stupor. When they were aware of their surroundings they sat and smoked or begged for cigarrettes. I honestly don't know how I survived. The aftermath of the episode was worse than the episode itself!

I finally was transfered out of Scandia and began my journey from one board and care to the next. It was a time of deep sadness and somtimes despair. I stuck with the treatment group I was in and after four years was placed in an apartment of my own. No more roomates, no more assaults on my sensibilities. I expected recovery and those aroud me for that period af time were hopelessly mired in the symptoms of their illness. I was relived to get my own place and determined to get not only better, but well.

I have been in my apartment for six months. My recovery has been slow going but consistent. I have a small job, and am working on personal goals. I take my meds regularly and see both a psychiatrist and psychologist. It is a hard road but one that is worth the while. I guess I am stubborn. I just can't give up on life regardless of the hardship I experienced.

There are reasons I haven't called it quits. I have two sons that are the lights of my life. I have a supportive family and understanding friend. I have faith that everything has a purpose,  and that just maybe my experience will help others going through the same hard times. All these things result in a determination to not let bipolar disorder consume me and ultimately defeat me. I believe in fighting for your life. With the help of mental health professionals and those that I love, I think I'll make it. As Kay Jameson once quoted, "Look to the living, love them and hang on." That has become my mantra , and I will hang on , even if it means clinging to hope for dear life!

Things to avoid when manic...

There are certain things you should NEVER do when manic . Although they might seem all important at the time, they will come back to bite you in the butt.

NEVER- Go on facebook during a manic episode. You will post indiscriminatly and seal your reputation as a seriously disturbed individual. You will reveal things that are stictly confidential. After the episode passes, you will try to repair the damage done by your unedited posts and suffer extreme regret. It doesn't matter that you want to take it all back, it's "already out there".

DO NOT- Hang out on the internet. When manic, every subject seems important. You will traverse sites that are unrelated to your true interests and spend all night online. What seems like vital information in a bipolar episode is usually trvial knowledge. Don't succcumb to the use of the internet as company. Sleep is crucial to maintaining your sanity. Turn off the computer and go to bed.

AVOID- Spending money. Put someone in charge of your finances when stable to insure ptotection when manic. Spending sprees are a hallmark of bipolar episodes. When I was manic I bought every book that I thought was interesting. The problem was, everything was interesting and it was crucial that I read it all. You are truly a consumer when episodic. You will spend all your money on trivial things. I was into watches and pens! Put your money in the hands of a trusted advisor until the storm passes.

DON'T- Make phone calls. Especially late at night. Just don't do it! The urge when ill is to talk, talk , talk to everyone about all things. You will seriously regret the subjects you bring up and the details you reveal. Often these phone calls result in a loss of privacy because you have "shared" too much with people whom  on a normal day you wouldn't say hi to. Resist the urge to expose yourself to people who are not interested in your health. They maybe a willing ear, but eventually you will see that they are irrelavent to your life. When the episode is over, apologies may be offered but not accepted. Perhaps a member of your support team can help you monitor your phone calls. Call them first and ask if it is appropriate to call someone.

Of course the list could go on and on. The sad truth is when manic you are probobly going to do these things and more. They will be unstopable behaviors. You will be on over-drive and will not be able to control many of your actions. That is why you should have a support team assembled before mania strikes. Members can help you get the help you need (perhaps a med change from your doctor). An advanced directive may protect you from the ravages of the illness. It is important to minimalize the damage. Trust some people in your life to act on your behalf . Regret is a terrible state of being. Better to be proactive and limit the ill affects of a bipolar manic episode.

Four years ago...

Four years ago in October I had my worst episode to date. I was in the hospital for 9 months. It was horrific. Mercifuly, I don't remember much of the first 6 months. What I remember of the last 3, I wish I hadn't!

It all started with 2 weeks of manic activity. I quit my job, slept little and started my bizarre decent into madness. After a couple of days of extreme behavior my father called the police.They immediatley accessed me as a threat to myself and 51-50d me. I went to Saddleback hospital ,was there 3 days, and then sent to College hospital in Costa Mesa. My first 3 months of hospitalization are a blur. What I do remember is the stuff of nightmares. The sights and sounds of a mental hospital are terrifying, and it is no wonder I blocked most of it out. I do remember men running around naked, women curled up in the fetal position or rocking themselves while taking a smoke break. Cigarrettes were like gold and the smoke breaks were the highlights of the day. We were zombies and the memories that I do have haunt me.

My last 6 months of h ospitalization were in a place called La Casa. It was equally horrific and my mind was still broken. I started working with a "Dr. L" and she is my doctor to this day.She put me on a new drug called Invega and I started to slowly come out of the episode. What awaited me was the terror of having been through such trauma. I think being aware of my surroundings was too much, And I had a slow road to recovery.

What was more terrifying than the episode itself, was the aftermath. I was sent to a board and care in Long Beach. The residents were in bad shape.Most of them spent their days eating, sleeping and smoking. The building was like a bad motel, dirty, smelly and disgusting. From then on it was one board and care to another.Until I reached the apartment I am in today, I was traumatized by my surroundings.

I am so grateful for where I am today.I have an apartment, a job and a positive outlook on the future. Thanks to family and friends, good doctors and a support team, I am able to function. Even after four years I have a long way to go. Thankfully,  I am stubborn and refuse to let the hospital be the defining moment of my life. I am into looking forward, trying hard,  and taking the small victories as they come. I know there is hope because I lived it. My message would be to hang in there, get the help you need and engage in life again. What do you have to lose after being through such a hell?!

Great expectations...

Great expectations vs. diminished expectations. What do we mean when using these terms as they pertain to mental illness?


We all are expected to rise to a certain level of competance in our ventures. In the beginning of a job ,for instance, we strive to perform at a high level. Those who hired us also have expectations. An employer anticipates a validation of their new hire. They expect a job well done. In the realm of mental illness though, expectations are sometimes lowered due to the presence of a disorder. I contend that this is detrimental to the health of one affected by a mental illness.

Diminished expectations can happen when a "consumer " ( a term used to describe a mentally ill person), is recovering from an episode of their illness. For instance, if the consumer is bipolar or depressed, they may have been out of commission for a long time.Family members, friends, and employers may be satisfied with them getting "better" and returning to their previous status. There is often a diminished expectation of success. Others are used to you being depressed and unable to function. Getting out of bed is considered a victory along with the completion of many ADLs (activities of daily living). While not disparaging these successes I would contend that there is so much more to aim for. Our expectations should be realistic but nonetheless great.

Setting high goals for the consumer and the consumer setting the bar high, allow for optimum recovery. It's motivating to have goals that ar higher than what we think we can accomplish. Don't be grandious in your ability to achieve yet stretch yourself. Start with small goals and move on to more difficult tasks. Acess your situation and act accordingly. Where do you stand physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually? Take some time to do an inventory of your life on every level and slowly but surely start to make things happen.For instance, if you need to lose weight, start to walk, then change your diet to healthy eating.Take one day at a time knowing that the days will turn into weeks, weeks into months. Soon you will be gaining on your goals. Don't let the spectre of mental illness deter you. Set the bar high and even if you don't reach it you will have improved more than expected.

The goal for those who support and love a consumer should be to have great expectations coupled with understanding. Having others want you to do well is a great motivator.Perhaps the loved one or friend or colleage has had a very difficult road.The good news is they can recover as long as they have a few components of wellness in place. Encourage them to see a psychiatrist, a psychologist and become a member of a support group. You can also become a member of a support team that monitors how the consumer is doing. Wellness can be achieved.  The illnesses can be managed. Victory is attainable! Don't succomb to diminished expectations for the mentally ill. Expect great things and wellness will happen!

Motherhood and mental illness...

I have two sons. Jake is 22 and Danny is 15. Fifteen years ago I lost custody of them both and lost my position as a stay at home mom. My ex-husband retained custody. At the time I was very ill with my bipolar disorder and was in no position to financially provide for them. It was a huge blow. I am over the divorce but have never recoverd from the loss of my day to day interactions with my sons. It just has not gotten any easier and the grief is still there, raw and painful.

My visits with the boys are precious events. This weekend I went to the UCLA game with Danny and he spent the night. It was a great weekend. We enjoyed the game together and talked alot about his life and what's going on. There was no mention of bipolar disorder! In fact, I never once thought about being bipolar. Thank god my ability to mother has not been affected by the disease. Things just roll naturally. When I am with them I am present and engage them easily. Since my latest episode I stuggle to participate, but when I am with the boys things just flow.

It is very gratifying to have success in any area of your life. Success in my role as mother is the most rewarding thing I've got going. I love them tremendously and I am able to communicate my love. I am very lucky in this regard. I seem to be able to have a reprieve from my symptoms around them. It is an effort though,and when the visit is over I am exhausted! But it's a good tired.

I know many mothers are so affected by their illness that they cannot participate in the lives of their children. There is no shame in that. But I do believe that being present can be practiced. Since my latest episode I stuggle enormously with being "all there". However, by practicing mindfulness my ability to pay attention is improving. Being with Dannny this weekend gave me the opportunity to practice these skills. I think any bipolar mother can fight the good fight and learn to manage their illness. Their children will have an example of how to meet adversity with a fighting spirit. That is a gift!