Four years ago...

Four years ago in October I had my worst episode to date. I was in the hospital for 9 months. It was horrific. Mercifuly, I don't remember much of the first 6 months. What I remember of the last 3, I wish I hadn't!

It all started with 2 weeks of manic activity. I quit my job, slept little and started my bizarre decent into madness. After a couple of days of extreme behavior my father called the police.They immediatley accessed me as a threat to myself and 51-50d me. I went to Saddleback hospital ,was there 3 days, and then sent to College hospital in Costa Mesa. My first 3 months of hospitalization are a blur. What I do remember is the stuff of nightmares. The sights and sounds of a mental hospital are terrifying, and it is no wonder I blocked most of it out. I do remember men running around naked, women curled up in the fetal position or rocking themselves while taking a smoke break. Cigarrettes were like gold and the smoke breaks were the highlights of the day. We were zombies and the memories that I do have haunt me.

My last 6 months of h ospitalization were in a place called La Casa. It was equally horrific and my mind was still broken. I started working with a "Dr. L" and she is my doctor to this day.She put me on a new drug called Invega and I started to slowly come out of the episode. What awaited me was the terror of having been through such trauma. I think being aware of my surroundings was too much, And I had a slow road to recovery.

What was more terrifying than the episode itself, was the aftermath. I was sent to a board and care in Long Beach. The residents were in bad shape.Most of them spent their days eating, sleeping and smoking. The building was like a bad motel, dirty, smelly and disgusting. From then on it was one board and care to another.Until I reached the apartment I am in today, I was traumatized by my surroundings.

I am so grateful for where I am today.I have an apartment, a job and a positive outlook on the future. Thanks to family and friends, good doctors and a support team, I am able to function. Even after four years I have a long way to go. Thankfully,  I am stubborn and refuse to let the hospital be the defining moment of my life. I am into looking forward, trying hard,  and taking the small victories as they come. I know there is hope because I lived it. My message would be to hang in there, get the help you need and engage in life again. What do you have to lose after being through such a hell?!