Motherhood and mental illness...

I have two sons. Jake is 22 and Danny is 15. Fifteen years ago I lost custody of them both and lost my position as a stay at home mom. My ex-husband retained custody. At the time I was very ill with my bipolar disorder and was in no position to financially provide for them. It was a huge blow. I am over the divorce but have never recoverd from the loss of my day to day interactions with my sons. It just has not gotten any easier and the grief is still there, raw and painful.

My visits with the boys are precious events. This weekend I went to the UCLA game with Danny and he spent the night. It was a great weekend. We enjoyed the game together and talked alot about his life and what's going on. There was no mention of bipolar disorder! In fact, I never once thought about being bipolar. Thank god my ability to mother has not been affected by the disease. Things just roll naturally. When I am with them I am present and engage them easily. Since my latest episode I stuggle to participate, but when I am with the boys things just flow.

It is very gratifying to have success in any area of your life. Success in my role as mother is the most rewarding thing I've got going. I love them tremendously and I am able to communicate my love. I am very lucky in this regard. I seem to be able to have a reprieve from my symptoms around them. It is an effort though,and when the visit is over I am exhausted! But it's a good tired.

I know many mothers are so affected by their illness that they cannot participate in the lives of their children. There is no shame in that. But I do believe that being present can be practiced. Since my latest episode I stuggle enormously with being "all there". However, by practicing mindfulness my ability to pay attention is improving. Being with Dannny this weekend gave me the opportunity to practice these skills. I think any bipolar mother can fight the good fight and learn to manage their illness. Their children will have an example of how to meet adversity with a fighting spirit. That is a gift!