In the beginning of my episode in 2011 I had the delusion that I had special knowledge about God. My writing became "preachy" and I posted a lot of weird posts on facebook. Once I was admitted into the hospital my mania was in full swing and so was my feeling that I was uniquely singled out to received insights from the Almighty. I especially liked to preach at the nursing staff. They were very tolerant but I noticed some rolling their eyes at me and walking the other way when I approached them. In hindsight I don't blame them but at the time I was insistent that they listen to me. It's embarrassing to think about the things I said in my manic state about God. They were the rantings of a very sick woman. Religious grandiosity is a disturbing symptom of bipolar disorder, and frankly, hard to tolerate.Looking back, it is somewhat comical that I felt so empowered. I was after all in a mental hospital where at least half of the patients thought they were Jesus. Why is it that when you are delusional and in the throes of mania that you think you are so divine? No one claims to be your average Joe, it's always some fabulous person or the Big Man himself. In the hospital there was a patient who had traveled to New York to see David Letterman. Not the show, the person. His attempt was because he believed he was his son, and it was his duty to preach the good news to his dad. His delusion paled in comparison to the man who dressed in a Superman costume and thought he was the Son of God! He would roam the halls reading his bible out loud. The problem was that he thought he was not only divine, but had the super powers to match. He was constantly trying to fly by jumping off the couch in the rec room.
What do you do when you come down from the high of thinking you are so special? I wanted to continue in my faith but didn't know how to proceed. I decided to be quiet about my faith and in order to stay on track, practice it only in private. My mind is a bipolar one and I can't escape the reality that my it may take me to far off places again. It's scary. In my right mind I know that I am far from understanding the complexities of faith. Most of the time i am unsure of my faith and like everyone else cautious in my approach to God. When grandiose I believe I can and do know all things. It shakes me up to know that my mind can get so out of control. When my episodes are over and the fire in my brain has been put out, I am embarrassed. The power of mental illness to distort the rational thoughts I usually possess is horrifying. In "real time" I admire the rational individual. It kills me that in my manic states I am so unhinged.
When you lose your mind and then get it back there is a huge fear that it will happen again. I do not want the grandiosity that comes with bipolar disorder.
It starts up slow and revs up to full on mania. Some people like the feelings that are associated with mania.They love the high. They like the feeling of being all powerful and intoxicated with the knowledge of all things religious. It doesn't faze some that they are walking a tight rope of sanity. It scares the hell out of me. As soon as I start to think more of myself than I am in reality, I start to get worried. I don't like being out of control. I hate mania. It's just a hop skip and a jump to psychosis. I would rather be "normal" and live a life of reason. I am content to be simply Donna, and that is enough.
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