Cocktail hour...

It occurred to me tonight that I have the same bedtime routine every night. I brush my teeth, say my prayers and gulp down the last of my medication for the day! I now take six different medications ,once in the morning and once at night. My meds sound like a listing of chemical compounds. Lamictal, Abilify, Invega, Lexipro, Wellbutrin, and Propranolol, are the medications that make up my "drug cocktail". They are what keep my demons at bay. Without them I would either be depressed or severely manic.It's kind of scary to think that without their intervention I would probably find myself in a mental hospital again..or worse.

I used to resent the hell out of my medication routine. It was a reminder twice a day that my mind was fragile and that I suffered from bipolar disorder. The side effects to different meds vary, but mine were always the same. Fatigue, slow movement, weight gain. Who in their right mind would want to ingest something that made them feel so awful?

It took a major shift in attitude to make me med compliant.  (Compliant is just a big word that means you faithfully take your medication.) In the hospital I was confronted by a doctor the morning after I had refused my bedtime meds. I thought, in my manic state, that the nurse was feeding me poison. When he confronted me, he used a loud voice and asked me how long I wanted to be in the hospital. He assured me that it would be a long time if I continued to refuse. He kept on shouting at me, "Donna, if you're in there, for God's sake do not do that again!!" Confronted by his anger, I became compliant and have taken my meds faithfully ever since.

Now I thank God for medication. I don't understand all the science behind it but I know enough to realize that medical intervention is the only way I could have come back from the brink. I also realize that there are many who aggressively resist meds. Some mentally ill consumers either think they are harmful, hate the side effects or think that a holistic approach is preferable. I am all for vitamins, but seriously, as Renne Russo said, "It's like throwing a bucket of water onto a raging fire!.

If I had cancer or diabetes there would be no question that I should seek medical help. Mental illnesses are not due to character flaws.There is no choice involved. They are diseases of the brain, and bipolar disorder is one of the nastier ones! They need medical attention. It is my belief that medication should  be the first line of defense against depression and mania. My attitude or the amount of therapy I get is not going to take that medical fact away.

So, when I say my prayers at night I mention my psychiatrist and thank God for my cocktail. Then I gulp away!