Brain fog

I have been reading a lot lately about "Brain Fog." It's a symptom of bipolar disorder. Feeling scatterbrained, at a loss for words, trouble concentrating, memory loss are all some of it's hallmarks. I have experienced all of these symptoms and more. It's debilitating and frankly annoying.

When I first heard about brain fog, I laughed and dismissed it. It kinda sounded ridiculous and somewhat humorous, like the cartoons depicting a cloud hanging over a depressed person. The more I read however, the more I recognized it's symptoms in my own experience.

I went through a period of time after my latest episode where I had went quiet. I groped for things in conversation and preferred to stay silent. I retreated into myself as my depression grew worse. It was a nightmare. It was as if the words were blocked by an invisible shield and I had to make a herculean effort to get them out. I remember visiting a friend and having not seen her in a while, had so much to say, yet I was at a complete loss on how to communicate. The words just weren't there.

When you are depressed it's like the whole world goes gray. It's like you are drowning but don't have the energy to kick to the surface. When I go silent it feels like my speech is forced. Not only is a cognitive problem but an emotional one as well. I just don't think I have anything to offer to the conversation. Sad and angry at the sadness, I become the ultimate introvert, staying inside the prison of my own mind. The weird thing is I know it's happening and although frustrated and embarrassed I can't stop it. I's disconcerting for me and confusing for those around me. My best friend had the best description of my state at these times. She said I was like a snow globe and had to be shaken every once in a while! It's true , in those moments of absolute silence I feel motionless, stuck and still. I don't like the feeling and maybe the term brain fog fits.

As I engage in life again I have found one advantage to my time of quietness. I have become a better listener. I relied for so long on the abilities and participation of others in conversation that I reflectively listen. What I mean is that I put great importance on what the other person is trying to say. That has turned out to be an asset. I also appreciate the clarity that comes when the fog lifts. It is like seeing , hearing or tasting things for the first time. Life is worth the living again. Once out of that funk nothing is taken for granted. Most especially I am grateful for the people that didn't give up on me while I was in the throes of depression. They made up for the silence by initiating and carrying the conversations that eventually brought me back to myself.

The Donna I want to be is an engaged and vital one. I hate being in a fog and resent that it is apart of my disorder. I will continue to stay on the right medicines to combat it and strive to engage regardless of how I am feeling. I think that one of the neglected aspects of recovery is the idea that a life worth having is worth fighting for. It has taken me many years to recognize that mental illness is a formidable foe and will destroy your life if not managed. It can be overcome though. It takes hard work, perseverance and the help of others to see you through those soul sapping depressions. I do believe though that you can co
me out on the other side stronger and a better human being. The world has so much to say, now I am part of the conversation and for that I give thanks.