Mother's day musings...

I should have written this post on Sunday. Mothers day however is a mixed bag for me. I am so grateful for my two sons and the interaction I have with them but I still experience grief at the loss of so much in our lives. So it's a hard day to come to grips with how I am feeling about being a Mom. Especially a Mom with bipolar disorder.

My divorce was finalized 15 years ago. In it, my ex was awarded custody of my two sons. At the time I was very ill and a resident at a board and care where I was trying to recuperate from several episodes of depression and mania. There was no way I could care for Danny and Jake. So because I was ill with a mental illness and suffering the financial, emotional and physical consequences of that, I was given joint legal custody but lost physical custody. It has taken a long time to get over it. I know that the possibility of caring for two young boys was out of the question for me, and I could reconcile it in my mind. The problem was, and is, that I have never reconciled the loss in my heart.

So on mothers day I try to focus on the relationship that I have with the boys despite not seeing them everyday. I make the phone calls necessary to keep up on their lives. I go to the big events whenever possible and celebrate all the holidays with them.  Mostly, I try to stay connected even though I am separated physically from them. It's hard. I have missed so much and still struggle with the parameters of our relationship.

On Mother's day I want to do all the things that "normal" mothers do. I want to wake up to groggy boys who protest going out for brunch. I want to receive goofy cards and silly presents. I want I want I want! I am not neglectful by design but I am limited by circumstances and that has been the problem. It's like I have this valve in my heart that turns on the pain whenever I have to say goodbye after a visit. When I am with them the joy I feel is tempered by the knowledge that I am an occasional physical presence in their lives and not a constant one. It's hard and the thing is , is that it hasn't gotten easier over time. I "got over" the divorce, I have dealt with my mental illness but I have not fully recovered  from the losses associated with my motherhood.

Therapy helps somewhat. I am learning that I need to  stay in the present and stay connected. when I am grieving and in pain I retreat into myself. So in order to stay focused on what's happening now I need to acknowledge the pain and press on anyway. It's hard. There are times when I feel like giving into the grief and quitting. I know however that I can serve as an example of resilience to my sons. Maybe that is my mission, to show them that you can go on even after such a stunning loss.

We are celebrating Mother'
s day this weekend because of scheduling issues. It's a week late but I don't care. Just to see my boys is enough for me. I relish their smiles and cherish our moments together. Danny is becoming a young man. He is 15 and going through all the teenage angst. Jake is 22 and trying to find his way in life through trial and error. Whatever. What's important is that they come to me when life is hard. I think they feel like I understand and can commiserate.

Motherhood sure has turned out different for me than I anticipated 22 years ago. Yes, I still get a twinge of heartache whenever a visit is over or an event is missed. Yet I have to console myself that I am achieving what matters most. My sons know that I love them because I am there. I tell them constantly that I love them. I think I have opened up to them so that they feel comfortable talking about anything and everything to me. That is rare, bipolar or not. In short. although my mental illness has taken it's toll, I have not let it consume me. I am a mom. I hope for them, I pray for them. I hold them deep in my heart.