Why I stopped feeling sorry for myself...

When I initially received my bipolar disorder diagnosis I was very young and didn't realize all the implications of having a mental illness. I didn't think dealing with it would be too hard. Just take the lithium and I would be fine. I didn't realize how hard the journey would be, Now that I am 25 years into it, I can see how difficult living with a chronic illness can be, but I don't feel sorry for myself.

There are times when this illness has been devastating. But I went on mostly out of stubbornness. I wouldn't give in to an opponent that clearly had the power to impact my life. I didn't feel sorry for myself because I knew that the illness could become an asset. It didn't have to be a death sentence. Quite frankly I could see how people around me were affected so much more.

When I was in the hospital I shared a room with another bipolar woman. She was completely manic and decided to vent her rage on me. One night when I was reading she jumped on my bed and proceeded to try to choke me. I cried out for staff and they had to pull her off me. She was taken to the most restrictive ward and I was left alone in my room for a night. As sick as I was I remember thinking how fortunate I was to be lucid. I moved on from that experience because I never wanted to be in that vulnerable position again.

It's funny what changes a person. From my terrible experiences in the hospital I gained much insight into my own illness. I determined at some point that I would get well and roll with whatever circumstance and fate presented to me. I am still of the same mind. I don't think that my illness can win over what the promise of what is  in front of me. The future need not be tainted with the fact that I have a mental illness. In fact I have been given a sort of advantage over most. I have been to the rock bottom and survived. Nothing scares me now and no situation seems insurmountable.

I have been given a great gift. I have learned how precious life is, and how fleeting a moment can be. My father has always quoted a verse of Thomas Paine to me when things get tough. "Catch the joy as it flies and leap into eternity's sunrise." I believe  the lesson of this quote to be true. It is in my power to choose to be joyous regardless of the circumstances. I can choose life, even a bipolar life. So Ive quit feeling sorry for myself and am viewing my life as one filled with blessings. I may be mentally ill but I can over come it with persistence and the help of professional, friends and family.

So here is to a life without pity. I don't accept it from myself and won't expect it from others. I am bipolar ,   but I am strong and willing to fight. It's easy to fight a fight when you are sure of winning. It takes pluck however to fight when you are not sure of the outcome. I have to believe that the struggle is worth it, and winning is a possibility. So I will not engage in a pity party just because I have a mental illness. Better to bipolar than a lot of things! I will continue to fight the good fight and let the chips of my life fall where they may.