Mental illness and violence.

Another mass shooting took place last week in Louisianna. It didn't take long for it to become public knowledge that the shooter was diagnosed bipolar and had a long history of violence. Once again mental illness was in the news and linked to a horrific event.

Whenever I hear of a mass shooting of this kind, I cringe and almost wait for the media to report that the shooter was either bipolar or schizophrenic. As one who lives with a mental illness it makes me want to go silent regarding my disorder. I don't want to be associated with the concept of the "Crazed killer", and fear that I will be perceived in the same light as a unbalanced individual.

I have never owned a gun, never shot a gun and would never even contemplate gun ownership. I believe that if you are diagnosed with a mental illness you should forgo your Second Amendment right to gun ownership. There is mounting evidence that the mentally ill are more likely to be victims of violence than perpetrators, yet why own a agent of violence when harm to self or others is in the equation?!

I believe that back round checks are necessary and should be enforced with even more restrictions. The shooter in Louisianna had a restraining order against him and had his weapons removed due to his threats against his family. He had a long history of mental illness and yet was still able to purchase a gun. Ridiculous. He should have been red flagged.

Mental illness is not an indicator of violence , yet it seems that  every time a story appears like Louisville we hear about the shooters mental health history. The media does little to report on the millions of people who suffer in silence with mental illness. Most go quietly about their lives, keeping their diagnosis to themselves for fear of stigma. Who in their right mind would want to be identified with those who commit heinous acts? It is cringe worthy and makes those of us suffering from a mental illness want to hide our diagnosis even further.

Before another incident happens , I hope mental illness is discussed outside of the context of violence. Depression is often experienced privately, and painfully alone. Most who suffer from it hide away from society and do not engage in behavior that would draw attention to themselves.

I think all issues that pertain to mental illness should be drawn out of the shadows and discussed openly. I would be a vocal proponent of strict back round checks that some may perceive as violating the Second Amendment rights of those diagnosed with a disorder. To this I would say a big so what?! There is no reason for someone who may be a danger to themselves to own a weapon which they can turn against themselves. Take it from one who knows, when you are in a bipolar episode you are not in your right mind, your thinking is skewed and your actions questionable at best. The right to bear arms should not be afforded to those in the throes of insanity.

The Dark Corners of My Mind....

What do you do when you have been medicated for depression and the stuff of life still presents itself? I have been successfully medicated for depression but that doesn't stop life from still happening! Some days I deal with my feelings , some days I go to distractions like everyone else. It is incredibly hard to stay in the present when all you want to do is stay in bed! Life does go on though, and when you come out of a bipolar depression it is there waiting for you!

Last night I went to my sisters house for a birthday party for my mother and brother. My mother  recently went through surgery and so it was special for all of us to acknowledge her many contributions to our lives. She had her para thyroid removed so she is finding it difficult to talk. Her throat is sore and she gets tired easily. I was struck last night by how much she has meant to me in my struggles with mental illness. Along with the "normal" roles of mother and daughter we have also had the relationship of her being a caregiver. She has seen me through the worst of my episodes. When I cried a thousand tears she was there to give me encouragement and hope that things would be set right. I make no apologies that I have often fed off of her strength and determination. So, it has been difficult to see her suffering and frail. Her recent surgery brought home the fact that she , at 73, will not always be there and I went to bed last night afraid of the future without her.

There is no pill to cure fear and managing your emotions cannot be done by medicating them. I think there is a tendency to ask for more medication when feelings like fear, legitimate grief and sadness arise. I am bipolar but have the same reactions to life's difficulties as a "normal" person. In fact I think that bipolar disorder has made me more adept at  being a fully emotional human being. It is one of bipolar's greatest gifts to me;
I have been humbled into having a more accurate view of my emotional world. Yes, my mind tends to worry excessively which leads to depression but it also feels intensely. I love deeply, I fear greatly, I hope with unabashed determination. Such is my bipolar life! I don't think that is a bad thing nor do I want to medicate these feelings away. Rather than ask for more meds I am learning to sit with my emotions, acknowledge them and make a plan to deal with them.

My mind can go to some dark places. It should in some instances . I think it is the human experience to fear the future and have regrets about the past. The present is another thing entirely. I find it difficult to live in the now. I am a dreamer, a worrier, an introspective bipolar woman. What a combination! It is in my nature to reflect on life's questions and come up with even more questions. My mothers says I came out of the womb asking, "Why?"

My answers lately have been heart felt rather than intellectual. I respond to the fear of losing my mother with tears and then an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the role she has played in my life. I am grateful and somewhat overwhelmed by the love and support I receive in my bipolar struggles. Most of all I have been experiencing relief at my ability to cope with the emotions that arise during any given day. I feel stronger and more able to cope with life's ups and downs. Maybe the full realization of my emotional life is bipolar's great gift to me. Yes, I get too high and then too low, but in the in between time there is a quiet acceptance. For maybe the first time in my life I am OK with the way things presently are, good and bad. It is a blessing to be stable enough to be at peace even when life is happening. So here I am at 50 finally coming to terms with my bipolar diagnosis. The dark corners of my mind are being infused by light, not just with medication but with the knowledge that things can and will get better with time and effort. Finally, peace.

Positive Mondays...

Starting the work week can be rough. This week I only received 23 hours so it's a cake walk. I love that I can manage the hours easily now. It didn't always used to be so. I had a hard time recovering from a bipolar episode and threw myself into a job probably too early. My recovery was jump started though and I have progressed steadily ever since.

In the beginning I got advice on how to manage the start of a work week and I'd like to share it with the reader of this blog. I think they are great tips if you are bipolar. They help me stay on track while dealing with a mental illness. Here goes...

Make a list... I was advised to write things down in order to keep track of my week. Starting with a simple goal like "be on time" is easily accomplished if you are a stickler for it like me. Keeping it simple and getting it done puts you on a good "roll". There's nothing like checking off items from your list to make you feel good about your efforts!

Develop an attitude of acceptance... If you are bipolar like me, you can get discouraged when facing a set back. Say for instance you are late for work one day. Don't dwell on it. Look for ways to improve over time. The nature of bipolar is to get depressed and then swing into mania, so avoid the extremes by having realistic expectations for your week. Accept what comes your way by realizing that good and not so good things will happen. Stay on track by accepting the ups and downs of work life while holding the middle ground.

I have always had a hard time staying with a job for any length of time, so this advice really helped. Because I was diagnosed and receiving assistance from the county I was appointed a job coach. She is the one who passed on this info. It was great to know I could count on someone for support and I would recommend such help to anyone struggling with mental illness in the workplace.

We all need help sticking with it during a demanding work week. Having a mental illness makes it double hard. I'll take any advice and try any suggestion. I look forward to the day I can work full time. Working while in recovery has been quite a challenge, but I think I am getting stronger and better because of it! Good luck to you in your work week and if you are living with a disorder and are luck enough to have a job, hang in there!!

Bipolar happiness...

Is it demeaning to tell a person who is living with depression to choose happiness? Well, yes and no!

Depression is not a choice. It is a disease of the brain and just like any other illness has a mind of it's own. Telling someone in it's throes to just be happy is like telling a diabetic to just lower their blood sugar by using positive thoughts without the help of insulin!

 Depression makes me feel like I am swimming through mud. My speech is forced, my energy depleted. I lose my appetite but sometimes crave carbs and gain weight. Everything is affected. My movement is slow, I struggle to get out of bed and perform the simplest activities of daily living. It is in short, debilitating.

When I am in the grip of a bipolar depression conversation is difficult for me to follow. My brain feels like it is in a fog and even my cognition is slowed; so giving me advice to choose happiness falls on deaf ears. I can barely choose to take a shower let alone follow the advice to accomplish such an emotional task! In this state I am not choosing to be sad, I am more than sad, I am ill with a chemical imbalance.


For example; when I was in college my golf team went to Stanford to play in a tournament. We stayed in a very posh pool house that was just amazing. The owners house was huge and our coach stayed in it. We were basically on our own to have a ball. Even surrounded by teammates in a great environment playing a gorgeous golf course, I was in a dark depression. My circumstance didn't matter. I tried to will myself out of my funk and try to appreciate my surroundings, but it just wasn't happening. I remember waking up the first day and having the hardest time wanting to get out of bed. My head felt heavy on the pillow and I was terrified of facing the day let alone the competition. I played well that day but still remained clinically depressed. I had already been diagnosed three years before with bipolar disorder but wasn't faithful taking my meds so the depressions kept coming back, each one stronger than the one previous. My college years were marred by the illness and try as I might to choose happiness, depression and intermittent manias dominated my experience.

Over the years since, I have experience so many episodes of depression that I have lost count. If you were to tell me even 5 years ago to just choose happiness, your pleas would have been ridiculous. They still are! However, in stability, I do think that I am responsible for making choices that lead to wellness. Happiness , for me, is a result of the consequences of healthy choices. For instance, just like anyone else if I eat a dozen donuts and fail to exercise , I feel like crap! If I engage in unhealthy relationships or choose to participate in destructive behavior the result will be unhappiness. Just like everyone else I am accountable for my choices. So yes, I choose happiness every day when I take my meds. exercise , engage in relationships, and appreciate with gratitude the blessings in my life. You could even say that happiness is a side effect of a wellness routine!

I love to be happy, and I choose to engage in life in the most positive ways I can to feel that inner contentment. The people in my life hold me accountable for my actions that result in either further wellness or a downward spiral into depression. I am fully compliant right now, all in an effort to live a best life. So, yes, tell me to choose happiness when I am making a wrong turn, but be compassionate when I am struggling with a disease that is out of my control!

Emerging from broken...

Four years ago I had a bipolar episode that landed me in three different hospitals for a period of nine months. I emerged broken. Emotionally physically and spiritually I was spent. I have had to make the long hard climb back to being some semblance of myself. I literally lost Donna.

Starting life from scratch is a daunting effort. There is so much in life that is an accumulation of time. We have relationships and careers and family because we have invested time and effort into them. I was extracted from life for nine months. I lost time. It was kind of like what I imagine waking up from a coma would be like. I had regressed while others and life had moved on. So, I began a slow climb out of brokenness into wellness.

I tried to rebuild my life from the ground up. I wrote down all the qualities I wanted to possess. I wrote down where I wanted to be in a month and then a year and then in five years. At first the pain of the episode was too much to work through. I had a hard time attaining goals like "get a job" because I was hurting. I was embarrassed, sad, anxious, traumatized. As time went on and with the help of medication and therapy those feelings were resolved but it took a toll. After a year I was exhausted and reeling from the consequences of a major breakdown.

My mind was dull . I had a hard time concentrating. I visited a friend in La Quinta, Ca. several times and was almost a mute. I cared for this person with all my heart yet couldn't connect emotionally from my end. It was almost like an out of the body experience. I knew what I wanted to say and what I wanted to feel but I kept hitting a wall inside my mind. Frustration, staring into space and saying nothing was becoming a habit, and the times spent in a haze were many. I still don't know whether my brain had just taken a major beating or whether I was just afraid of reality. Whatever. I was dead inside. What a place to be! Who wants to start building the foundations of a personality at age 50??!!

That's exactly what I did though and I finally resolved to give my brain time to heal and begin to live again despite the illness. It has been a hard road back to life. So, how did I do it? Here's my advice to those in recovery from a mental illness crisis and those who love them.

Give it time...The brain is an organ of the body and a physical entity, so giving it time to heal after a trauma is essential. Medications need time for full efficacy. Resist the urge to try to rush into things until you have become stable. If you are a loved one be patient. You wouldn't expect someone with a broken back to walk immediately after surgery! The person you love will come back to you given time to heal. Base your expectations on the reality that a traumatic brain event has occurred and let the professionals and medications do their job.

Keep the faith... Recovery from a mental illness is possible. Yes, mental illness is chronic. You will be dealing with it for the rest of your life, and that often leads to despair. Faith is the belief that that which is unknown and unseen is possible, and this is entirely consistent with the current thought that there is hope for recovery from an episode. When tempted to give up do not be ashamed to "borrow" from the hope, strength and faith of professionals and friends. One of my favorite quotes on faith is from Kay Jameson. "Look to the living. Love them and hold on." Simply holding on is an act of faith. Your tomorrow will be better and the next one after that better still. You must believe that you will survive and thrive. If you area loved one, always reinforce the concept that THERE IS HOPE FOR RECOVERY! Come alongside the one you love with empathy and understanding but never diminish your expectations of a comeback. My friends and family always reassured me by their words and actions that I was loved and was accepted. They never lost faith that I would come back to the land of the living. I was able to draw strength form the fact that they were waiting for me.

Set goals and resolve to fight to attain them... Recovery from a mental illness is a battle. I have read a lot about accepting a diagnosis but I haven't read much on how to put up a fight for your life. Yes, I accept the fact that I live with a bipolar diagnosis. What I cannot accept is an assumption that it defines me and will determine the course of my life. I believe that in order for me to live my best life I will have to take a fighting stance against mental illness for the rest of my days. I started my fight for recovery by setting small goals like brush your teeth, take a shower go outside, stay out of bed, say hello. Yes it was like building a house from the ground floor up. With each step though daily life became more successful. I achieved goals like, having a conversation, taking a walk or going to therapy. After a long time I progressed to developing and enriching friendships, family relationships and getting and maintaining a job . It has taken me 4 years to heal and I am still doing the day to day work of recovery. If you are a loved one, fight as well. Educate yourself on mental illness. Become an advocate for your family member, friend or co-worker. Go to a therapy session, lend a helping hand and a leg up. Resist the temptation to give up and perceive the healing process as an unending journey. Things will resolve if you do not give up!

I hope these suggestions help in your dealings with mental illness. There is a future and a hope. I've learned this through my journey. I live today and hope for tomorrow. Above all I believe in the promise of a meaningful life despite bipolar disorder. It may be the biggest struggle in your lifetime but you can recover. This I know to be true!