Starting life from scratch is a daunting effort. There is so much in life that is an accumulation of time. We have relationships and careers and family because we have invested time and effort into them. I was extracted from life for nine months. I lost time. It was kind of like what I imagine waking up from a coma would be like. I had regressed while others and life had moved on. So, I began a slow climb out of brokenness into wellness.
I tried to rebuild my life from the ground up. I wrote down all the qualities I wanted to possess. I wrote down where I wanted to be in a month and then a year and then in five years. At first the pain of the episode was too much to work through. I had a hard time attaining goals like "get a job" because I was hurting. I was embarrassed, sad, anxious, traumatized. As time went on and with the help of medication and therapy those feelings were resolved but it took a toll. After a year I was exhausted and reeling from the consequences of a major breakdown.
My mind was dull . I had a hard time concentrating. I visited a friend in La Quinta, Ca. several times and was almost a mute. I cared for this person with all my heart yet couldn't connect emotionally from my end. It was almost like an out of the body experience. I knew what I wanted to say and what I wanted to feel but I kept hitting a wall inside my mind. Frustration, staring into space and saying nothing was becoming a habit, and the times spent in a haze were many. I still don't know whether my brain had just taken a major beating or whether I was just afraid of reality. Whatever. I was dead inside. What a place to be! Who wants to start building the foundations of a personality at age 50??!!
That's exactly what I did though and I finally resolved to give my brain time to heal and begin to live again despite the illness. It has been a hard road back to life. So, how did I do it? Here's my advice to those in recovery from a mental illness crisis and those who love them.
Give it time...The brain is an organ of the body and a physical entity, so giving it time to heal after a trauma is essential. Medications need time for full efficacy. Resist the urge to try to rush into things until you have become stable. If you are a loved one be patient. You wouldn't expect someone with a broken back to walk immediately after surgery! The person you love will come back to you given time to heal. Base your expectations on the reality that a traumatic brain event has occurred and let the professionals and medications do their job.
Keep the faith... Recovery from a mental illness is possible. Yes, mental illness is chronic. You will be dealing with it for the rest of your life, and that often leads to despair. Faith is the belief that that which is unknown and unseen is possible, and this is entirely consistent with the current thought that there is hope for recovery from an episode. When tempted to give up do not be ashamed to "borrow" from the hope, strength and faith of professionals and friends. One of my favorite quotes on faith is from Kay Jameson. "Look to the living. Love them and hold on." Simply holding on is an act of faith. Your tomorrow will be better and the next one after that better still. You must believe that you will survive and thrive. If you area loved one, always reinforce the concept that THERE IS HOPE FOR RECOVERY! Come alongside the one you love with empathy and understanding but never diminish your expectations of a comeback. My friends and family always reassured me by their words and actions that I was loved and was accepted. They never lost faith that I would come back to the land of the living. I was able to draw strength form the fact that they were waiting for me.
Set goals and resolve to fight to attain them... Recovery from a mental illness is a battle. I have read a lot about accepting a diagnosis but I haven't read much on how to put up a fight for your life. Yes, I accept the fact that I live with a bipolar diagnosis. What I cannot accept is an assumption that it defines me and will determine the course of my life. I believe that in order for me to live my best life I will have to take a fighting stance against mental illness for the rest of my days. I started my fight for recovery by setting small goals like brush your teeth, take a shower go outside, stay out of bed, say hello. Yes it was like building a house from the ground floor up. With each step though daily life became more successful. I achieved goals like, having a conversation, taking a walk or going to therapy. After a long time I progressed to developing and enriching friendships, family relationships and getting and maintaining a job . It has taken me 4 years to heal and I am still doing the day to day work of recovery. If you are a loved one, fight as well. Educate yourself on mental illness. Become an advocate for your family member, friend or co-worker. Go to a therapy session, lend a helping hand and a leg up. Resist the temptation to give up and perceive the healing process as an unending journey. Things will resolve if you do not give up!
I hope these suggestions help in your dealings with mental illness. There is a future and a hope. I've learned this through my journey. I live today and hope for tomorrow. Above all I believe in the promise of a meaningful life despite bipolar disorder. It may be the biggest struggle in your lifetime but you can recover. This I know to be true!
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