Last night I went to my sisters house for a birthday party for my mother and brother. My mother recently went through surgery and so it was special for all of us to acknowledge her many contributions to our lives. She had her para thyroid removed so she is finding it difficult to talk. Her throat is sore and she gets tired easily. I was struck last night by how much she has meant to me in my struggles with mental illness. Along with the "normal" roles of mother and daughter we have also had the relationship of her being a caregiver. She has seen me through the worst of my episodes. When I cried a thousand tears she was there to give me encouragement and hope that things would be set right. I make no apologies that I have often fed off of her strength and determination. So, it has been difficult to see her suffering and frail. Her recent surgery brought home the fact that she , at 73, will not always be there and I went to bed last night afraid of the future without her.
There is no pill to cure fear and managing your emotions cannot be done by medicating them. I think there is a tendency to ask for more medication when feelings like fear, legitimate grief and sadness arise. I am bipolar but have the same reactions to life's difficulties as a "normal" person. In fact I think that bipolar disorder has made me more adept at being a fully emotional human being. It is one of bipolar's greatest gifts to me;
I have been humbled into having a more accurate view of my emotional world. Yes, my mind tends to worry excessively which leads to depression but it also feels intensely. I love deeply, I fear greatly, I hope with unabashed determination. Such is my bipolar life! I don't think that is a bad thing nor do I want to medicate these feelings away. Rather than ask for more meds I am learning to sit with my emotions, acknowledge them and make a plan to deal with them.
My mind can go to some dark places. It should in some instances . I think it is the human experience to fear the future and have regrets about the past. The present is another thing entirely. I find it difficult to live in the now. I am a dreamer, a worrier, an introspective bipolar woman. What a combination! It is in my nature to reflect on life's questions and come up with even more questions. My mothers says I came out of the womb asking, "Why?"
My answers lately have been heart felt rather than intellectual. I respond to the fear of losing my mother with tears and then an overwhelming sense of gratitude for the role she has played in my life. I am grateful and somewhat overwhelmed by the love and support I receive in my bipolar struggles. Most of all I have been experiencing relief at my ability to cope with the emotions that arise during any given day. I feel stronger and more able to cope with life's ups and downs. Maybe the full realization of my emotional life is bipolar's great gift to me. Yes, I get too high and then too low, but in the in between time there is a quiet acceptance. For maybe the first time in my life I am OK with the way things presently are, good and bad. It is a blessing to be stable enough to be at peace even when life is happening. So here I am at 50 finally coming to terms with my bipolar diagnosis. The dark corners of my mind are being infused by light, not just with medication but with the knowledge that things can and will get better with time and effort. Finally, peace.
No comments:
Post a Comment