Bipolar happiness...

Is it demeaning to tell a person who is living with depression to choose happiness? Well, yes and no!

Depression is not a choice. It is a disease of the brain and just like any other illness has a mind of it's own. Telling someone in it's throes to just be happy is like telling a diabetic to just lower their blood sugar by using positive thoughts without the help of insulin!

 Depression makes me feel like I am swimming through mud. My speech is forced, my energy depleted. I lose my appetite but sometimes crave carbs and gain weight. Everything is affected. My movement is slow, I struggle to get out of bed and perform the simplest activities of daily living. It is in short, debilitating.

When I am in the grip of a bipolar depression conversation is difficult for me to follow. My brain feels like it is in a fog and even my cognition is slowed; so giving me advice to choose happiness falls on deaf ears. I can barely choose to take a shower let alone follow the advice to accomplish such an emotional task! In this state I am not choosing to be sad, I am more than sad, I am ill with a chemical imbalance.


For example; when I was in college my golf team went to Stanford to play in a tournament. We stayed in a very posh pool house that was just amazing. The owners house was huge and our coach stayed in it. We were basically on our own to have a ball. Even surrounded by teammates in a great environment playing a gorgeous golf course, I was in a dark depression. My circumstance didn't matter. I tried to will myself out of my funk and try to appreciate my surroundings, but it just wasn't happening. I remember waking up the first day and having the hardest time wanting to get out of bed. My head felt heavy on the pillow and I was terrified of facing the day let alone the competition. I played well that day but still remained clinically depressed. I had already been diagnosed three years before with bipolar disorder but wasn't faithful taking my meds so the depressions kept coming back, each one stronger than the one previous. My college years were marred by the illness and try as I might to choose happiness, depression and intermittent manias dominated my experience.

Over the years since, I have experience so many episodes of depression that I have lost count. If you were to tell me even 5 years ago to just choose happiness, your pleas would have been ridiculous. They still are! However, in stability, I do think that I am responsible for making choices that lead to wellness. Happiness , for me, is a result of the consequences of healthy choices. For instance, just like anyone else if I eat a dozen donuts and fail to exercise , I feel like crap! If I engage in unhealthy relationships or choose to participate in destructive behavior the result will be unhappiness. Just like everyone else I am accountable for my choices. So yes, I choose happiness every day when I take my meds. exercise , engage in relationships, and appreciate with gratitude the blessings in my life. You could even say that happiness is a side effect of a wellness routine!

I love to be happy, and I choose to engage in life in the most positive ways I can to feel that inner contentment. The people in my life hold me accountable for my actions that result in either further wellness or a downward spiral into depression. I am fully compliant right now, all in an effort to live a best life. So, yes, tell me to choose happiness when I am making a wrong turn, but be compassionate when I am struggling with a disease that is out of my control!