Stability had been elusive in my bipolar experience until the last 2 or 3 years. It has been 8 years since my last hospitalization and I have been steady in my progress since. My doctor in the hospital spent a lot of time with me and prescribed Invega to allieviate the symptoms of mania. I am on Abilify also and receive a shot every two months. Because my struggle is predominantly with depression, I am currently on Aplenzin. I have read and heard that antidepressants can throw you into mania but that has not been the case with me. I would say that I have finally achieved the beginnings of stability.
Balance and stability are foreign to me. Depression is, in a weird way comfortable. I am a ruminator and a contemplative person by nature, so when depression hits it's not that foreign. I read a lot, overthink and slip into my old standby, worrying. I isolate and view life from afar but engage with loved ones just enough to worry about them. My thinking is dominated by concerns for the future and in the meantime my present is lived in a fog of anxiety and regret. Mania however is very uncomfortable. I get aggitated and am easily irritated. My speech is rapid, my thoughts race. My mind is in constant "go mode", and i go through endless to do lists. Grandiosity is the next to follow and finally sleep goes out the window! I spin into psychosis eventually and then I am quite literally "gone".
For me, reaching a point of stability was a huge effort. I didn't know how to operate without a dominating depression and couldn't function within the manic state. There is the cliche that you get a lot done when manic, but the truth is most of it is irrelevant activity that is not focused or useful. It is just busywork, undirected and unproductive. Depression is a life killer, so not a lot gets done. Time slips away with goals unrealized and personal growth thwarted. Both states negatively impact the progression of your life. I have learned that stability is the only state in which you can approach and maintain a healthy life.
A huge part my recovery and quest for balance has been my faith. Today is Easter, a very important day in my belief system. It is a day of celebration of the hope of eternal life and resurrection. I base my life upon these principles and the tenants of Christianity and they have saved my life. I believe that I do not suffer alone, that there is hope for recovery and a promise of a meaningful life here and into eternity. It is hope that has returned balance to my life and a faith in the tender mercies of God that has restored my sanity. I am grateful and working on being humble and kind because of the blessings I have received. Yes, it has been a difficult and non-linear road to this point but I am alive and now well.
I acknowledge that I still have work to do to achieve balance and then success. I am hopeful though that i will do what is necessary to achieve it. Perhaps the greatest asset I possess is the presence of people in my support system who are willing and courageous enough to tell me where I need to improve. I take their advice and act on it because it makes sense and comes from a place of caring. So, with their help and a solid hope, I move forward on the tightrope of manic-depression knowing that I don't walk alone. Step by step I am moving forward in a positive direction. Happy Easter!
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