Ain't that a kick in the head...

Yesterday I got my shot of Abilify. I get it every two months and it really hits me hard the first day. Yesterday was no exception. Yet something was different this time around. My response to the shot was  not one of quiet resignation. I finally gave voice to my frustration to the doctor and asked for more help.

I have been getting this shot for the past 4 years. The day I get it is really rough. I experience extreme tiredness and my head feels like lead. I talked to my doctor about it and she said it was normal to feel this way until the medicine reaches a therapeutic level. However I am coming to realize that my reaction is just as much psychological as it is physical.

Getting that shot and checking in with my psychiatrist are heavy duty reminders that I am battling a very nasty, chronic disease. Bipolar disorder is a bear, and when i visit the doctor, I usually express to her how tired I am getting of it all. Yesterday I cried and had a semi-meltdown in her office. I confessed to her that I was dreading the shot and resentful of having to take meds. It's not that I want to be non-compliant I just wanted reassurance that things would be okay.

After several minutes of ranting, my doctor and I agreed that I needed to add some new weapons to my arsenal against my mental illness. I had already added several  new approaches upon returning from a vacation. I started taking vitamins and changed my diet completely. I am going radical in my attempt to lose the weight I have gained on meds. I also started walking again. Not just my usual strolls to work or the store, but a solid 45 minutes a day at a good clip. I am also attempting to quit smoking. I am starting by limiting the number I can smoke a day and working my way down to just one at the end of the day.

I must admit that I feel a little overwhelmed by all the changes, but I will do anything to stay stable so I can really be present. I have so much to live for and I don't want to let bipolar disorder win the day. I do accept that it is a fight to keep moving forward in my recovery. Lots of bad coping mechanisms have to go and be replaced by healthy ways of being.

My belief that I am in a fight for my life does not mean that I don't accept my diagnosis. I am aware that sometimes it's enough to just breathe and live to fight another day. However I cannot and will not settle for a mediocre life defined by symptoms. I will fight to live a life of meaning regardless of the fact that my brain is sick.

When I look into my son's eyes, experience the support of friends and family, and receive empathetic care from my doctors, I realize that I am so fortunate to have that much love and attention. I am lucky and I know it big time. And so I am determined to see things through for their sake as much as for mine. Living a "best" life with bipolar is a challenge I am willing to accept. And so I fight on. As Winston Churchill stated, "Never, never, never give up!!!"