On November 11th I went to the doctor to get my shot of Abilify and talked to her about my state of mind. She said that based on my history and especially my last 5 visits with her she was going to diagnose me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD. I unfortunately met the criteria for diagnosis to a tee, and it was upsetting to be diagnosed with yet another disorder. I am a 24 karat manic depressive as well. My bipolar disorder runs along the classic lines of symptoms. Being bipolar 1, I have periods of depression followed by hypomanic and manic episodes. Depression is the dominating state of my being though. I have long periods of it, and it wears me down. If there is a major life event such as divorce, a move, or just me stuffing my feelings, my manic me surfaces. It is a cycle that I have repeated over and over again since I was 21. I am 55 so it has been a long journey.
I honestly thought that I had the illness licked. I hadn't had an manic episode since 2010. The last one was significant and I was in the hospital for 9 months. I finally regained my sanity but not without a price. My confidence was shot and I lived with a low grade depression for a long time after the hospitalization ended. Depression wore me down and I didn't react well to the challenges of life. I stuffed my feelings and took it on the cheek for the past 10 years. I finally just imploded last week. I had a episode featuring hypomania ( a precursor to full blown mania) and what some people would call a nervous breakdown. I simply couldn't fight anymore.Although it has been only 18 days since this all started I am over the worst of it. My sanity has returned and I am fully engaged in reality. I still have some symptoms that are annoying but my house is super clean!! That boundless energy and grandiosity have subsided and I am sleeping .
Now the challenge will be to enter into a phase of recovery and figure out why I am so prone to depression and so vulnerable to mania. I am seeking help not just from my psychiatrist and psychologist but am also going to enter an outpatient program to aggressively discover how I can stay well.
So, having said all that, I am celebrating the holiday season with family and friends. I am very blessed to have their love and support. We are a very close family and we all share the belief that we can overcome anything with the help and grace of God and others. I am so grateful for many things during this time. Medication is a godsend, the professionals I am seeing are amazingly pro-active in facilitating my recovery and ensuring a future of stability and wellness.
I sincerely wish those who read this blog a Happy Thanksgiving and a blessed holiday season. If you, a loved one or a colleague is suffering from their mental illness though, may you find peace and comfort as well as much needed help. Contact NAMI for family and peer support. Call the National Suicide hotline if you are at your wits end or reach out before things reach a boiling point. The number is 1-800-273 8255. The hotline is a source of comfort and help to ALL those suffering and living with a mental illness not just those who feel like harming themselves.
Some have reached their limit, and are contemplating or planning to end their pain. I would encourage you to reach out for help immediately and cling to the hope that there will be a better tomorrow! I am living proof that mental illness doesn't always win the day. As I enter into my current phase of recovery, I am confident that I will learn how to better mange this most complicated of illnesses. A heartfelt wish to all for a holiday season of help and healing !
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