For the love of Danny...

My youngest sons birthday is this Friday. He will be 15 and I can't believe it. Time flies. He lives with his father . At the time of our divorce I was very ill with my bipolar disorder and he got custody.  It has been excruciating at times to be separated from them. Most of the time it's just a dull ache that I feel whenever I think of them.

I have missed so much in their lives. I resent the time lost and I especially resent the illness for stealing that time. Bipolar disorder is a bitch. It not only affects you, it affects those you love . When Danny visits I will be on alert to be in the moment. I tend to space out since my episode. I don't want to give him the impression that I am sick. No full disclosure here! I want to protect him from the consequences of my mental illness. I know that many would say I need to be honest with him. I have told him I have an Illness and he knows it is the main reason for the divorce and the subsequent custody arrangement. Yet, I still see fear in his eyes when I seem to him to be down. He needs his mother to be present.

If a visit doesn't go well I have tremendous guilt. I try so hard to be present and engaged but sometimes my efforts fall flat .I love my son. I want him to think that his mother thought enough of him to fight an illness that so often destroys relationships. Staying in the present is tough for me. I tend to drift and get in my own head. I am consciously trying to concentrate on the here and now and it's starting to catch on .I can't let this illness win. My son is a great motivation to live on. 

It's hot here in Orange County California.  However it seems that summertime is my time for depression to kick in. I don't know why my hardest time is summer, what I do know is that after a summer of struggling, I usually snap out of  it and have a manic episode. It is such a relief to get over the funk of depression that maybe I am catapulted into a manic state.

It all happens slowly. The months of May through August are slow, tedious and cruel. It is the opposite of what most people experience. It is the norm that people experience mania in the summer and depression in the winter. For some reason I am turned around. My manic episodes have all been in late August and the early fall. I am so relieved that the depression is over that I go into a hypomanic state.(a little manic) It slowly turns into full blown mania often resulting in psychosis.

I wonder if anyone else experiences these seasonal shifts in mood. Comments would sure be appreciated!

Meds...

I recently went on a new medicine called Lexipro. I am adding it to my already numerous cocktail of meds. I have always been open to med changes especially when depressed. I would do anything to snap out of a funk.



This time was different though. I am wary, I am scared. My last episode was so debilitating that any change is fraught with fear. It was a manic episode and this is my first bout of depression since the episode ended. I hope the meds work. Coupled with therapy I hope I can get through this. Does anyone out there experience the same fear?



When I get depressed I am reminded how tricky of a deal this illness is. My chemistry is hard wired and I don't know if this med change will work. I have put my life in the hands of psychiatrists and I hope that is a good decision. I am still like so many others who gulp down their meds reluctantly. I hate having a daily reminder that I have this damned illness. I swallow the meds and hope for a good outcome. That's a lot of trust. But there is not a single time where I don't wish I never had this disease. I hate the side effects of the meds. It too is a daily reminder of the extent  of my illness

I am hoping things will work out . I am hoping this depression lifts. If meds do the trick, Hallelujah! If not I will continue to fight it.  Life is worth it even if it comes with a few side effects.

Running on empty...

In my struggles with bipolar disorder I sometimes come to a point where my tank reads empty. I struggle so hard to stay stable that I run out of energy and sometimes the will ro carry on. I have found that getting away isn't a way out of your problems, but it's sometimes the healthiest thing you can do.

Perspective. Isn't life all about that? How you percieve you troubles often dictates your actions. Taking a break from your daily grind affords you the perspective you need to come back and tackle your problems.

My get away is La Quinta Ca. I love the desert beauty,the palms, the serenity. My best friend lives there and I stay with her and her husband. During my stays I get to put into perspective all of my concerns. I write them down and try to figure out(with the help of distance), solutions. I also ask for advice from my friend on how to tackle some problems. Advice from a friend can help you see things from a different angle. Solutions that escaped your notice may make themselves known.

Escape from reality is not healthy,but a break from the struggle may be just the thing. It doesn't have to be a long break,maybe just a small trip. Even a visit to the beach or a walk on a trail can allow you to get outside of yourself. I even need a break from me!!!!!!!