For the love of Danny...

My youngest sons birthday is this Friday. He will be 15 and I can't believe it. Time flies. He lives with his father . At the time of our divorce I was very ill with my bipolar disorder and he got custody.  It has been excruciating at times to be separated from them. Most of the time it's just a dull ache that I feel whenever I think of them.

I have missed so much in their lives. I resent the time lost and I especially resent the illness for stealing that time. Bipolar disorder is a bitch. It not only affects you, it affects those you love . When Danny visits I will be on alert to be in the moment. I tend to space out since my episode. I don't want to give him the impression that I am sick. No full disclosure here! I want to protect him from the consequences of my mental illness. I know that many would say I need to be honest with him. I have told him I have an Illness and he knows it is the main reason for the divorce and the subsequent custody arrangement. Yet, I still see fear in his eyes when I seem to him to be down. He needs his mother to be present.

If a visit doesn't go well I have tremendous guilt. I try so hard to be present and engaged but sometimes my efforts fall flat .I love my son. I want him to think that his mother thought enough of him to fight an illness that so often destroys relationships. Staying in the present is tough for me. I tend to drift and get in my own head. I am consciously trying to concentrate on the here and now and it's starting to catch on .I can't let this illness win. My son is a great motivation to live on.