Getting better, being well.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how much better I am after my last episode , but questioning if I am well. So what's the difference?

If you start at rock bottom any progress is a sign that you are getting better. Being well implies a whole different dimension. Wellness in my mind is a state where all facets of your life are in sync. Your physical, emotional , spiritual and mental life are all vibrant and satisfying. You are on a path to a healthy happy life.   That is my definition of wellness and it is still a goal of mine. I am making progress but am still far from the finish line.

I started this episode being extremely sick. I was hospitalized for nine months and remember only sketchy details. During my stay I was deemed "gravely disabled" by the state, I was conserved and all decisions regarding my care were channeled through a conservator that was appointed to me by the state. One of the things I do remember was my court date to be emancipated. The judge asked me if I considered myself mentally ill and I replied with a resounding yes. She was impressed with my insight into my illness and ended my conservatorship which allowed for my release from a locked unit. I regained my right to vote and my drivers license. Looking back I can't believe I was in such a situation. Considering how ill I still was the judge ordered that I be released to a board and care where my basic needs were met and my medication regulated. It was a first step in a very long journey.

I did get better but I was a long way from wellness. My environments contributed to my slow progress. Living among the severely mentally ill was traumatic for me. Even though I was still exhibiting bipolar symptoms and the after effects of an manic episode, those around me seemed so much worse. I couldn't handle the atmosphere of the board and cares so I basically shut down emotionally. I was getting better but not well!

When  look back on my living situations I can't believe I survived. They were stereotypical in their awfulness. They were something out of a horror movie and if I did not experience them first hand I would think they were made up. Over two years I lived in 5 different places. I had 4 roommates in the hospital, was among 70 residents in a board and care in Long Beach, had 6 house mates in Carson, 16 housemates in Garden Grove and 4 house mates in Orange. It is no wonder that I feel so good about my present situation in my own apartment! I am finally able to concentrate on my wellness unhampered by my surroundings and the presence of ill roommates. Since getting my place I think I have made major strides in all the areas of wellness and am on the right road.

For me  wellness is a step above getting better. Anything was better than how I was! So now I have raised the bar for myself and set goals that are tough but reachable. I maintain an apartment, work and am faithful to my medication routine. It sounds pretty basic but there is no way I could have accomplished these things 3 years ago. I was that ill! I consider myself lucky to have come this far. I responded to medication and somehow endured the trials of living dependently. Now that I am independent, I can concentrate on the areas of my life that need improvement. It is a tough journey but one I am more than willing to make. I believe I can not only survive a mental illness but thrive with a bipolar diagnosis. I have hope in the future and look forward to a brighter tomorrow! I want to be well!!

Taking a vacation from mental illness!

I am closer to my goal of visiting my best friend in La Quinta. I found out today that my request for days off was approved and now I just need to make sure it is on the schedule tomorrow. Visiting LQ is one of the best therapeutic measures I have in my arsenal. It is breathtakingly beautiful and will be in the 80's when I am there. It is so gorgeous and serene that my whole being feels at peace.

I have visited LQ when ill though. There was such a contrast between the beauty of the place and the ugliness of what was going on inside me. I almost felt unworthy of the visit. The last time I was there in July I was in a severe depression. There was no way of masking it, it was just too pervasive to hide. I had gone silent again. It's funny but people don't think I notice it when I am being quiet. I know I am quiet and depressed. It's like I am locked in my own brain, observant of the people around me and what they are doing and saying but unable to participate. It is kind of a prison. I lose my freedom of expression and all interest in day to day living.

The last trip I found myself in this condition. My friend was kind but concerned. She asked me what was bothering me so and I answered that I couldn't find my purpose in life. So, we delved into what I could do to add some meaning and what I had that I was not appreciating. It was her idea to start a page so I could get my story out there. Once again she was right and it has not only helped me express what I have been through, it has helped me begin to help others. It has always been my desire to reach out and assist those who are mentally ill like I am. I know how excruciatingly difficult it is to live with this illness. Perhaps by reaching out I can find peace with what has happened to me and find meaning by impacting the lives of others. I don't want to "waste" the pain and suffering I went through thus far by keeping it to myself. Maybe I can give hope and counsel on how to survive bipolar disorder. It is my wish to share not only my defeats but my victories as well.

Getting to the place where I am healthy enough for a visit is a big victory. I look forward to this visit. I am feeling stable and even happy. Happiness has been elusive for me. I battle depression so much that I forget what it feels like to be upbeat. Mania isn't about being overjoyed. It's about being out of control, so a healthy balance resulting in happiness has been my goal. I think I am there. I would describe myself as content.  I still have goals that I want to accomplish in recovery and some that I want to attain to add even more purpose to my life. I needed help " catching the vision", I needed a push in the right direction and that is where my friend was so helpful. Sometimes the loved ones around you are able to see clearly what you should try while your brain is seriously ill. I trust the people in my life to point out a direction for me to follow. I don't make apologies for borrowing from their strength and judgement during times of illness. I need their help to get out of the pit of depression and press on to wellness.

It's hard to admit you have a broken brain. I really admire those who have solid judgement and operate at a steady pace. They get places in life and I am a big fan of success. Thankfully even though i am affected in these areas by my mental illness I am surrounded by those who are strong and healthy. What I am most grateful for is how they raise the bar high. They don't say "Donna can't handle this , she is too depressed." They expect things of me and that in itself is a motivation to face another day. I don't want to let my children family and friends down. I am craving successes. I don't think it is asking too much of myself to put up a fight for my life. So, having gained some victories in the fight, I am heading out to the desert to soak up the sun and some more of my best friends advice. Surrounded by beauty, I can honestly engage with the people I love, free from the symptoms of my bipolar disorder. What a gift, a reprieve from the storm. I am so grateful and I will let you know how it goes!

Battling Depression.

I am not a morning person. On the advice of my psychiatrist though, I have started getting up early (for me!) to take my medication. The best results from Invega are gained if taken in the morning and given the chance to work throughout the a.m. hours. It is a routine that I have found difficult to get accustomed to and is a recent addition to my medication regimen. The downer is that it is a daily reminder that I have bipolar disorder and have to take a handful of pills in order to get and stay well. So, in an effort to outwit myself and attain a more positive attitude I have devised some tactics to make life work for me in this area.

I wouldn't say I am a positive person by nature either. I tend to look at problems and circumstances in a pessimistic manner. I need to make an effort to pay attention to the good things in life that are happening around me. Depression can make this seem like a herculean task. It is all you can do to take a shower and get ready for the day let alone engage. So when I fight depression, I MUST focus on the moment. I can't handle bipolar disorder in it's entirety, with all it's complications. I can however mange my illness hour by hour day by day. The day is broken down into moments and although it is an effort I MUST stay in the present. One of the ways I have attempted to do this is to have an attitude of gratitude. It is hard to let your mind go to the negative when you are focusing on your blessings. So armed with this outlook, I start the day, and remind myself that I am lucky to have meds that work and that fight my proclivity to look on the dark side of things.

After taking my medications, I spend a short amount of time reflecting on the day before. It puts my today in context and reminds me of the accomplishments of yesterday. It propels me forward. To face the day, I make my to do list and include simple goals that I know I can attain, (albeit with some effort!). My list ranges from taking a shower to engaging with a loved one in a meaningful conversation. The point is to set up a road map for the day with goals that I know I can achieve. It builds a track record for success that I can look at the next day and sustain my hope and momentum.

Depression is a motivation killer. When you are depressed you can't summon enough energy to brush your teeth let alone engage with those around you. The ability to speak, of my feelings or anything else, is the first thing to go when I am depressed. I just can't summon up the strength to participate in life. I have had to learn to force myself into that participation. My friends and family help tremendously in this effort. They point out the good things in life and by example give me a model on how to take it day by day. For instance a friend of mine posted a picture of a lily the other day. It was gorgeous and breathtaking in it's simplicity. I carried the image with me throughout the day, and reminded myself that if life had so much beauty in it to enjoy, why not engage?


I don't make any apologies for borrowing the strength and hope of others when I am depressed. Those who are well show me a way in the darkness. They remind me that I have survived thus far and will continue to survive whatever life throws my way. If I approach life this way armed with an attitude of gratitude I believe I can win my battle with bipolar disorder. So, I fight on armed with my tools for living. I thank God for today and look forward to tomorrow having learned from
the mistakes of yesterday. I am determined not to let this illness win. I believe.      

Bipolar Momma

Like every proud mother on the planet , I gush over my children. Danny is 15 and Jake is 22. Our history as mother and son is wildly different than the typical parent-child relationship. I am a bipolar Mom and that has made things very interesting.

I was very naive at the time of my first pregnancy. I was 26 and under the assumption that I could stop my medication while pregnant to protect my child, and then go back on it again. I assumed nothing would happen differently than any other pregnancy and subsequent birthing experience. I was so wrong. I was depressed the whole 9 months. I had Jake in August and I wasn't home for two weeks before I was admitted into a psychiatric hospital. I remember my ex-husband bringing baby Jacob to the visiting hours of Canyon Springs. When I finally stabilized I was sent home to a newborn who needed the constant care of an attentive mother. The problem was I was reeling from the episode and zoned out on medication. My mother ended up taking a leave of absence from her nursing job, and staying with us. 

My second pregnancy with Danny was worse. It seemed like I was asleep the whole 9 months. I barely left the house and lost interest in all my usual activities. I had stopped my meds on the advice of my pediatrician and was severely depressed. Again, after I gave birth, I had a manic episode. I was seeing a psychiatrist and he treated me without a hospitalization. The idea was to bond with the baby but I was so completely out of it that my Mom took over most of the day to day care of Danny. I was put on Seroquel and felt like a zombie. My speech was slurry and my movements shaky. We bought a ultra cozy stroller so I could wheel Danny around the house, feed him and care for him with out the fear off dropping him. My mania was intense and the doctor just couldn't seem to get me on the right medication to stop the episode. So, I was trying to take care of a newborn and raise a 6 year old while episodic. I was doomed.

For 2 years I tried to raise two children under the specter of mental illness. I was in and out of hospitals and as my marriage got worse so did my symptoms. We separated with the kids staying with my ex. I was in no condition to manage a family and that fact and the grief that came with it only exacerbated my illness. I tried living in an apartment a block away but after a year I was so ill that I moved into a board and care run by a foundation for the mentally ill. While there, I desperately tried to connect with my children by having them visit and making constant phone calls. It was a nightmare. Nothing had prepared me for how difficult it was to try to heal from  bipolar disorder and have the excruciating experience of being torn from your children.

I honestly didn't think I would survive that period of my life. we divorced and bipolar disorder seemed to have defeated my efforts to be a mom. I kept at it though. I arranged visits as much as I could and holidays were spent with my immediate family. I bugged my kids with phone calls. I was desperate to connect.  There were times when I was depressed and went ahead with plans anyway. The problem with that was the kids noticed and started asking questions. I had to explain my illness to them in kid terms and try to let them know it was not their fault that I got sick. It was a heart-breaker. 

Over the last 15 years I have developed a close and loving relationship with my kids. It hasn't been easy but I think we are all in a good place now. I still have bipolar disorder , that hasn't changed. What has changed is my perspective. I used to worry what affect my mental illness would have on my children. Now I know that along with the negative have come some positive outcomes. They are empathetic. They treat me with loving respect and I know this translates to other people in their lives. 

They say that bipolar disorder is hereditary. I hate to think that one of my children could have to face this illness. If they do, I hope they are confident that they can manage it based on my example. They can learn from my mistakes as well as my victories and hopefully deal with it far better than I. So far they have shown no signs of mental illness. For that I am grateful, but if they do I would hope that they will face this illness under much better circumstances than presently. I hope that stigma will be erased and more effective treatments will be in place. I hope that they will be met with compassion and a new understanding of diseases of the brain. I know that they will be met with a mother who knows what it's like to be faced with a diagnosis of mental illness but hopes just the same. I have tried to teach them courage and resiliency. Perhaps they have observed my struggle and have learned compassion and empathy  as well. Perhaps as they become men I can enlist them in the fight to stop the stigma and shame surrounding mental illness. To them I am not "a bipolar" I am just mom. 

What it's like to visit a psychiatrist .

If you are sick with a mental illness the first thing you should do is go to a psychiatrist. The book "You Need Help",  makes this it's main point. The initial visit is the goal. It is often hard though to get your loved one or yourself to make and keep the appointment.

People fear a psychiatrist. It takes a certain amount of courage to realize you have a problem and need treatment. Most think that a psychiatrist will simply throw medicine at their symptoms. This is not always the case. My psychiatrist listens intently to my concerns and uses medication and makes changes very carefully. Still, many psychiatrists don't spend much time with a patient due to insurance limitations. It's best, in my opinion, to find one who will spend art least 20 minutes with you.

So what's it like to see a psychiatrist? What does an appointment look like? First of all my psychiatrist spends 30 minutes with me, allowing for much conversation about symptoms and how my meds are working. She asks a lot of questions about not only my illness but about how things are going in my day to day life. She asks about stress levels, relationships and life events. Bottom line, she takes the time to know me. She asks if I have any questions and concerns, and listens

to my input. Only then does she talk about meds and any adjustments we may have to make. She trusts me to be honest with my assessment of my mental illness and I trust her recommendations.

I am generally relieved after a doctors appointment. I am no longer afraid of a psychiatrist. I am glad I have someone to talk to who already knows the ins and outs of my mental illness. I don't have to give my history or explain my symptoms. All this is known because of building our relationship appointment by appointment. She is a critical part of my recovery and I am grateful for her counsel.

I would strongly urge you to read "You Need Help" by Dr. Mark Konrad. It helps those who care and love someone suffering from a mental illness to get that first appointment with a psychiatrist. It is critical in my opinion to get one on your team. This book helps you accomplish that goal . It is a must read !