Getting better, being well.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how much better I am after my last episode , but questioning if I am well. So what's the difference?

If you start at rock bottom any progress is a sign that you are getting better. Being well implies a whole different dimension. Wellness in my mind is a state where all facets of your life are in sync. Your physical, emotional , spiritual and mental life are all vibrant and satisfying. You are on a path to a healthy happy life.   That is my definition of wellness and it is still a goal of mine. I am making progress but am still far from the finish line.

I started this episode being extremely sick. I was hospitalized for nine months and remember only sketchy details. During my stay I was deemed "gravely disabled" by the state, I was conserved and all decisions regarding my care were channeled through a conservator that was appointed to me by the state. One of the things I do remember was my court date to be emancipated. The judge asked me if I considered myself mentally ill and I replied with a resounding yes. She was impressed with my insight into my illness and ended my conservatorship which allowed for my release from a locked unit. I regained my right to vote and my drivers license. Looking back I can't believe I was in such a situation. Considering how ill I still was the judge ordered that I be released to a board and care where my basic needs were met and my medication regulated. It was a first step in a very long journey.

I did get better but I was a long way from wellness. My environments contributed to my slow progress. Living among the severely mentally ill was traumatic for me. Even though I was still exhibiting bipolar symptoms and the after effects of an manic episode, those around me seemed so much worse. I couldn't handle the atmosphere of the board and cares so I basically shut down emotionally. I was getting better but not well!

When  look back on my living situations I can't believe I survived. They were stereotypical in their awfulness. They were something out of a horror movie and if I did not experience them first hand I would think they were made up. Over two years I lived in 5 different places. I had 4 roommates in the hospital, was among 70 residents in a board and care in Long Beach, had 6 house mates in Carson, 16 housemates in Garden Grove and 4 house mates in Orange. It is no wonder that I feel so good about my present situation in my own apartment! I am finally able to concentrate on my wellness unhampered by my surroundings and the presence of ill roommates. Since getting my place I think I have made major strides in all the areas of wellness and am on the right road.

For me  wellness is a step above getting better. Anything was better than how I was! So now I have raised the bar for myself and set goals that are tough but reachable. I maintain an apartment, work and am faithful to my medication routine. It sounds pretty basic but there is no way I could have accomplished these things 3 years ago. I was that ill! I consider myself lucky to have come this far. I responded to medication and somehow endured the trials of living dependently. Now that I am independent, I can concentrate on the areas of my life that need improvement. It is a tough journey but one I am more than willing to make. I believe I can not only survive a mental illness but thrive with a bipolar diagnosis. I have hope in the future and look forward to a brighter tomorrow! I want to be well!!