I have visited LQ when ill though. There was such a contrast between the beauty of the place and the ugliness of what was going on inside me. I almost felt unworthy of the visit. The last time I was there in July I was in a severe depression. There was no way of masking it, it was just too pervasive to hide. I had gone silent again. It's funny but people don't think I notice it when I am being quiet. I know I am quiet and depressed. It's like I am locked in my own brain, observant of the people around me and what they are doing and saying but unable to participate. It is kind of a prison. I lose my freedom of expression and all interest in day to day living.The last trip I found myself in this condition. My friend was kind but concerned. She asked me what was bothering me so and I answered that I couldn't find my purpose in life. So, we delved into what I could do to add some meaning and what I had that I was not appreciating. It was her idea to start a page so I could get my story out there. Once again she was right and it has not only helped me express what I have been through, it has helped me begin to help others. It has always been my desire to reach out and assist those who are mentally ill like I am. I know how excruciatingly difficult it is to live with this illness. Perhaps by reaching out I can find peace with what has happened to me and find meaning by impacting the lives of others. I don't want to "waste" the pain and suffering I went through thus far by keeping it to myself. Maybe I can give hope and counsel on how to survive bipolar disorder. It is my wish to share not only my defeats but my victories as well.
Getting to the place where I am healthy enough for a visit is a big victory. I look forward to this visit. I am feeling stable and even happy. Happiness has been elusive for me. I battle depression so much that I forget what it feels like to be upbeat. Mania isn't about being overjoyed. It's about being out of control, so a healthy balance resulting in happiness has been my goal. I think I am there. I would describe myself as content. I still have goals that I want to accomplish in recovery and some that I want to attain to add even more purpose to my life. I needed help " catching the vision", I needed a push in the right direction and that is where my friend was so helpful. Sometimes the loved ones around you are able to see clearly what you should try while your brain is seriously ill. I trust the people in my life to point out a direction for me to follow. I don't make apologies for borrowing from their strength and judgement during times of illness. I need their help to get out of the pit of depression and press on to wellness.
It's hard to admit you have a broken brain. I really admire those who have solid judgement and operate at a steady pace. They get places in life and I am a big fan of success. Thankfully even though i am affected in these areas by my mental illness I am surrounded by those who are strong and healthy. What I am most grateful for is how they raise the bar high. They don't say "Donna can't handle this , she is too depressed." They expect things of me and that in itself is a motivation to face another day. I don't want to let my children family and friends down. I am craving successes. I don't think it is asking too much of myself to put up a fight for my life. So, having gained some victories in the fight, I am heading out to the desert to soak up the sun and some more of my best friends advice. Surrounded by beauty, I can honestly engage with the people I love, free from the symptoms of my bipolar disorder. What a gift, a reprieve from the storm. I am so grateful and I will let you know how it goes!
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