Random Recovery Thoughts...

I have been working now for six months. After the first week I would not have thought I'd make it this far. It is a job that requires you to work with the public and quite frankly at the time I wanted to retreat from the world. That is a killer if you suffer from mental illness. Isolation is so detrimental to wellness and I was getting used to it.

Living alone is not that difficult for me. After my hospitalization, I was placed in 4 different living situations all with roommates included, so I am loving my single bedroom apartment. I admit that sometimes I get in nesting mode and do only the simple things. I love to read and there is nothing better than cozying up to a good book. For a long time though,I didn't want to do anything other than that. I was in a state of shock from my stay in the hospital and all the subsequent consequences of living in chaotic environments I literally was in survival mode and had to learn to live again outside of that state of being. I had survived the last 3 years by putting my head down and plowing forward. There was little room for pursuing any other goals except for getting better.

Now I am interested in engaging with other people again. Work has helped, by getting me out there. I want to do more though. Like anyone else I want to have relationships and experiences that enhance my life. For so long I isolated not only because I was ill but because I was ashamed that I was ill. I didn't want to make myself vulnerable to scrutiny. I was afraid people were going to ask me questions that could only be answered by, "Well I am bipolar." Foe example, how do you explain a 5 year gap in your life's history?!  On my resume I had to highlight the jobs I had 10 20 years ago. If asked why I didn't see my kids often the answer always involves my bipolar diagnosis. Frankly I get sick of it and feel that if anyone knew the real story they would be put off.

I am getting over that way of thinking. The realization that it only leads to isolation is one of the reasons. The other is that I have come to know that everyone if asked has their"stuff". We have all been through trial and tribulation, that's what makes us who we are. I have learned compassion and empathy. I have experienced grief and loss, all because of my mental illness. I hope this has made me a better human being. What I do know is that because of my experiences I want to connect with others. I am getting to the point where i am ok with sharing my struggles with mental illness and the life events that resulted from my bipolar disorder. I still care what people think but I am more confident that my opinion is the opinion that matters most.

So onward I go, working hard not only at work but also in my recovery. I have definitely reached a new phase in my recovery process. I am looking forward and trying to perceive how I want my life to look. One of the problems I have with building up my connections and activities is that I don't drive.  Even if I had a car I am reluctant to drive on the psychiatric meds I am on. My best friend suggested Uber. I am definitley going in that direction. My world needs to expand in order for me to reach my goal of full recovery.

Full recovery. That's the goal, that I didn't think was possible a year ago. Today I believe that I am gettting closer to reaching that goal and  living a life that matters. I love and am loved. I appreciate the world around me and am finally in a state where I can participate. To shy away from it all because of self stigma is simply not acceptable anymore. I don't want to have regrets and I don't want to live my life hiding because I am bipolar. I am learning to put myself in situations where I have to engage. So, as for life, bring it on! I am better. I am getting well, and I am ready for the next step in my journey!