Happy Thanksgiving!

I am so excited for Thanksgiving! My son Danny is visiting and I have him all to myself for 5 days. We are doing all the traditional Thanksgiving things, big family dinner, Friday shopping , football watching and leftovers. I am playing golf with him on Saturday. He is the light of my life and along with his brother Jake make living all the more sweeter.

It has not always been this way. I divorced 14 years ago and lost custody of both boys. I was extremely ill with bipolar disorder at the time of our separation and was in a foundation for the mentally ill for the four years until the divorce. Having custody was out of the question. I lived in an independent living situation, so both logistically and financially my ex-husband was the logical choice to raise my boys. The judge took into consideration my illness and awarded my ex with physical custody and the both of us with legal. I didn't feel at the time that there was any injustice to it all. In fact I was relieved to have my son's with their father. He is a good man and loves his boys. The whole thing was tragic and though I grieved the loss, I set out to find a way to be the best mom I could be given the situation.

For a long time it was difficult to make the visitations go well.The boys were reeling from the divorce and the loss of the everyday presence of their mother. My bipolar disorder continued to ravage my life and it was an effort to be stable enough to assure them that I could be there for them. It took a lot of healing and healing takes time.

My youngest Danny boy is 15 and Jake is 22. It seems like yesterday when I moved out and started this whole journey. Time does heal but it leaves a gaping hole of what if's and if I could onlys. They were 2 and 8 at the time of the divorce and I ache inside to think of the things I have missed. It still hurts as much today as it did back then. I grieve my loss but at the same time am grateful for the relationship (though not typical) we have today.

My boys and I were dealt a tough hand but I think we are playing it well. We talk on the phone constantly and see each other whenever their schedule and my health allow. It is extremely important that I do everything in my power to stay stable so that we can maintain a consistent relationship. Bipolar can destroy families and though ours was broken, I can still resolve to not let it do any more damage. When I am stable and healthy I can participate in their lives and not be an absent mom.

I think they are happy and healthy. I think the circumstances of their lives have made them more empathetic than they might have been otherwise. We all appreciate what we do have and even though it's a battle we capitalize on our blessings while focusing on the moments we have together.

When it is all said and done I don't know what kind of a mother I will be considered. I know one thing I know for sure, I don't want bipolar disorder to define me nor do I want to give it power over my relationships.
Yes I suffer from an illness but I am like every other mother this Thanksgiving. I am so grateful for my sons and all the blessings we are receiving. They are healthy, happy and very much loved. I am so fortunate and in light of all my blessings feel more like an overcomer of an illness rather than a victim. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy the holiday season as much as I do!!