Me and my shadow...

There is no cure for bipolar disorder. No cure, only the possibility that it can be managed. What a daunting realization that was for me! I had to face the fact that my mental illness is chronic and I would have to deal with it for the rest of my life.

At first I faced this reality with denial. I didn't want to be bipolar! I was ashamed that I had a mental illness and didn't want to deal with it. The stigma surrounding mental illness really affected me and I spent many years being non-compliant to medication and therapy. Although I embrace wellness now, it was a long road of recovery to get to this point.

I can't run away from bipolar disorder. It follows me wherever I go. It comes up in conversation, in my actions and in my thoughts. It is the first thing I think of in the morning when I take my handful of pills, and is a constant throughout my day. I am always looking for ways to stay well.  Although I am stable now, the majority of my life has been spent dealing with the illness.

It seems to always come up. I am asked, "Why do you work only 20 hours a week?" "Why do you claim disability." "What do you take medication for?" "Why did my ex have custody of my children?" The answer to all these questions is because I live with bipolar disorder. Sometimes I am met with compassion when I answer these question honestly, but sometimes I am ashamed of the answer and deflect the conversation.

I have slowly made peace with the fact I am mentally ill and I am just starting to share my experiences with the diagnosis. I am careful who I share with. Although I am open in this blog, in my personal life I am cautious. Mental illness is still shrouded in shame and stigma. It's still a subject that most people are uncomfortable with. So, sometimes I deal with it in silence.

Coming out with my diagnosis has been difficult. It is painful to talk about my experiences with mental illness. I know though, that it is not only therapeutic for me, but it is also potentially helpful to those still in the dark or suffering.

It is my hope that this blog will help advance the conversation. I am tired of not being able to share fully my struggle with mental illness. Perhaps I can make people more aware of bipolar disorder and educate those who may not know much about it. 1 in 4 people deal with a mental illness so it is an area that must be addressed. Hopefully I can share my experiences and shed some light on a difficult subject!

The most important piece!!

My relationship with my medications is complex. I love them and I hate them!

Every 2 months I get a shot of abilify and then on top of that take 4 other meds for my bipolar disorder. I take; lamictal, invega, aplenzin and vistaril. It's the combination that works for me and it has taken many years to finally get it right. I love that it keeps me stable and functioning. I hate the side effects. For me it is mostly nausea and weight gain. I can handle being a little sick to my stomach in the morning after taking them, but the weight gain is a constant nuisance.

Pill shaming is a very real thing. I have been told many times that meds are detrimental. I have been questioned as to how they affect me physically probably because of my weight. In the past some of the other meds I was on really slowed me down. On some of the meds I have developed a slur, a shuffle and grogginess. I've been drowsy, nauseated, restless and slow. In reality though the side effects were ten times better than the alternative.

It is my belief that meds are a necessary part of my day to day living. I would not be stable without them. No amount of vitamins, healthy life style habits,  or meditation would help stabilize my moods. These things in combination with my meds are effective in calming the bipolar waters of my mind. Meds, however are the most important piece of my wellness puzzle.

I have a chemical imbalance in my brain that is chronic. My acceptance of the role of medication in my recovery has been so important. If I had a physical illness I would not hesitate to take medication and would not be questioned about why I did so . There is such a stigma that goes along with taking psychiatric meds though. People question their safety and effectiveness. All I can say is that it is my personal experience that they work and are the most important factor in my response to bipolar disorder.

It may take awhile before a patient hits upon the right combination of meds. It is my opinion that this shouldn't cause as much concern as it does. In any treatment of physical illnesses, many treatment options are involved. It is no different with a mental illness. It just takes time to find the right blend of chemicals to treat the brain.

It is worth it to deal with side effects. I really have come to a place where i hate it but accept it as part of my life. Meds are the most important part of the mental illness wellness puzzle. If you are dealing with medication issues, I encourage you to hang in there. It does get better and recovery,  aided by meds, is possible!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Bipolar disorder is a joy killer. Depression can rear it's ugly head at anytime and ruin your day or even long periods of your life. Without the ability to engage in life, I have at times been rendered hopeless and helpless.

Most of my depression happens in the summer months . For whatever reason I am much better in the months of September through March. You could chalk that up to being just my cycle but I think it's more than that. My wellness comes not from medication and therapy, (although those are in place) but from somethings that are not always associated with mental illness.

It is the attitude of gratefulness during thanksgiving, the joy of giving at Christmas and the hopes of a new start on New Years Day that lift my spirit and puts me , well, in a good mood.

Thanksgiving is a time for me to focus on how fortunate I am. Yes I have a mental illness and I suffer, but I am also truly blessed. This Thanksgiving even more so because I am stable and can recognize the many good things in my life. So, in honor of Thanksgiving I thought I would share with you why I am grateful. It's not only good for me, but maybe it will give you, the reader, a chance to get to know me better.

I am first and foremost grateful for my family. My father and mother have been so supportive of my journey through mental illness. They have seen me through manic episodes , crushing depression and a number of hospitalizations. Their love has been constant. My Dad has been a loving presence in my life and a giver of the best kind. He gives his time and attention to me regardless of my state of mind. My mother is a psychiatric nurse and is highly educated in the area of mental illness. She is loving and smart. A  gentle hand with a will of iron. She simply refuses to give up on me.

I have two boys, Jake and Danny. Jake is strong and kind, and doesn't hesitate to tell me he loves me. His words are a salve to my bipolar wounds. He is getting married in January, and brought a new light into our lives, his fiance Julie. She is lovely in every way.

Danny is a source of joy in my life. He is currently in college while working at the same time. He is a leader in Young Life, a christian youth organization. He recognizes my bipolar disorder but has a great attitude about it. While we are serious about it's destructive powers, we also laugh about it's quirkiness. He doesn't hesitate to challenge me to keep on the path of wellness. He calls me momma and verbally acknowledges his love for me.

I have a younger sister and brother. My sister is truly beautiful. She is smart and straightforward. She and her husband Kenny have always shown and voiced their support without hesitation. Their children, Cara, Ryan and Jenna are full of life and vigor. They amaze me with their talent and bring me such delight! My little brother is funny, with a wry sense of humor. He has funny nicknames for me and shares our bipolar diagnosis. He is struggling right now with his bipolar disorder yet he remains in my thoughts and prayers.

I continue, on a daily basis to be ever so grateful to my best friend Kathy. She is smart, funny compassionate and a true renaissance woman. She is a cook, an artist, a golfer and a realtor. It was her prompting and encouragement that got me to write this blog. She recognizes the limitations my bipolar disorder has imposed, and witnessed my depressions and manic episodes, yet remains my friend of some 30 years. Most of all she challenges me to rise above my mental illness and take on life regardless. She is a gift.

So, you see, I have many reasons to be grateful this Thanksgiving. I personally am grateful for my job, my medications and my doctor. They and she keep me stable and give me the ability to live life on the most basic level.

I am so fortunate to have all these things in my life. I still have mental illness and am constantly challenged by this disorder but I also have many blessings that offset its power in my life. I am one of the lucky ones. There are many who are not so fortunate. This Thanksgiving there are mentally ill persons who are in hospitals, languishing in jail or suffering silently in their everyday lives. It is my prayer this Thanksgiving that the conversation about mental illness will get so loud that it will cause a change. It is my hope that I can be part of that conversation, and offer some glimmer of hope to those affected through this blog.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

  

My brother, myself #2

What do you do when someone you love is mentally ill?  It's ironic that I have to ask myself that question when it comes to my brother. I am bipolar. My brother is bipolar. So not only do I experience the challenges that come along with having a mental illness, I watch as my brother does the same. 

My brother is currently being admitted to a long term care facility. He had a manic episode for the last couple of months that spiraled out of control. At first he went to an E.R. and was released in a day. After living on the street for a couple of days I think he got scared and went voluntarily into a psychiatric hospital. While there, he was evaluated and put on a 30 day hold while the conservatorship process was initiated. Conservatorship happens when the state deems that you are gravely disabled. And he is just that.

This is not the first time David has been hospitalized. We as a family have watched him go through this since he was 19. He is 40. For 20 years now he has been buffeted by mental illness. He has been rescued time and time again from bad circumstances before and after hospitalization. This time however, he is being conserved and the state will determine where and how he goes. A tough road lies ahead for him, but at some point on his journey he must face his illness and commit to recovery. I had to too.

So, what to do? I love my brother and hate to see him go through what I had to go through. I was conserved in 2011 after a severe manic episode. I was hospitalized for 9 months. During that time I was forced to face my illness. I was ill, it was chronic, and I had to realize that it would be a lifetime of taking medication, seeking therapy and participating in recovery. It has been a long, hard fight to recover and be well, stable and connected again to the world.  

I know what I am going to do in regards to David. I am going to write this blog more. Maybe there is someone somewhere who needs to hear that they are not alone in their struggles. Hopefully I can reach those that are hurting because of mental illness. Perhaps I can influence another David  and encourage him to seek treatment. It will make my journey worthwhile and so I will start today. Today I write for David.  

My brother, myself...

My heart is heavy today. My little brother is in the hospital on a 30 day hold to treat his bipolar diagnosis. I wouldn't wish this illness on my worst enemy let alone someone that I love. He was non-compliant with his medication and spiraled into mania in the last couple of months. Now, the powers that be have filed for conservatorship.

Conservatorship is basically the state deeming a person gravely disabled and unable to meet their most basic needs . My brother has found himself without the ability to provide shelter, food and mental health care by himself. Because he is so severely in the throes of a bipolar episode, a conservator will be assigned to him to oversee his hospitalization and return to the outside world.

I know what he is going through because I was conserved in 2011. After a 3 month hospitalization it was determined that I was gravely disabled due to my bipolar diagnosis. I stayed in the hospital for 6 more months then went before a judge to end my conservatorship and return to society.

Imagine trying to prove you are mentally stable to a judge! My hearing consisted of the judge peppering me with questions about my mental health. I answered honestly and told her I was mentally ill, and would be for the rest of my life. I told her I needed medication to stay stable and would have to take it the rest of my life. As I sat here in sweats and a hoodie I remember thinking, "I look crazy, feel crazy and probably come off as a complete basket case." I distinctly remember looking at my shoes and thinking how in the world would I ever convince the judge to "let me go". ( I didn't have shoe laces because you just don't in a mental hospital.
Fear of suicide by hanging) I felt like a freak and was shocked that the judge looked beyond appearances and terminated my conservatorship.

The thing about getting out of the hospital is that it requires the assumption of many responsibilities. You have to take your medication faithfully, be in the care of a psychiatrist and therapy and begin to live a life dedicated to recovery. I have no earthly idea how I've accomplished these things. I think it's because I wanted life back so badly that I became uber-compliant. My family, my kids and other loved ones were there for me and with their love and support find I myself where I am today.

I live independently in an apartment after 2 years in board and cares. I have a  small job that allows me to make ends meet. More importantly I am present in my childrens lives. It has been a long hard road of recovery. I can say now that I am stable and participating in a healthy life despite my illness.

I don't know how my brother will fare given the same challenges. He is stubborn and when he is the most ill, doesn't think he is sick. He has never faced the fact that he has a mental illnes and often stops taking his medication, self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. I fear for his life. He hasn't come to the realization that he has an illness that requires your full attention in order to survive. What will become of him?

One thing I do know. My brother has the love and support of many people and now has the presence of a conservator to oversee his path to wellness. I also know that my brother has me, waiting on the other side of his madness. I can't be shocked out of our relationship by anything he does or says while in a manic state. I have literally seen it all and experienced most of the horrors associated with mental illness.

And so I wait. I pray. I beg God and others to show my brother mercy as he finds his way. Bipolar disorder can't change the way I see him. He is handsome, funny and loving when stable. I pray that he will see better days and hope beyond hope that I will be there to see it.