Me and my shadow...

There is no cure for bipolar disorder. No cure, only the possibility that it can be managed. What a daunting realization that was for me! I had to face the fact that my mental illness is chronic and I would have to deal with it for the rest of my life.

At first I faced this reality with denial. I didn't want to be bipolar! I was ashamed that I had a mental illness and didn't want to deal with it. The stigma surrounding mental illness really affected me and I spent many years being non-compliant to medication and therapy. Although I embrace wellness now, it was a long road of recovery to get to this point.

I can't run away from bipolar disorder. It follows me wherever I go. It comes up in conversation, in my actions and in my thoughts. It is the first thing I think of in the morning when I take my handful of pills, and is a constant throughout my day. I am always looking for ways to stay well.  Although I am stable now, the majority of my life has been spent dealing with the illness.

It seems to always come up. I am asked, "Why do you work only 20 hours a week?" "Why do you claim disability." "What do you take medication for?" "Why did my ex have custody of my children?" The answer to all these questions is because I live with bipolar disorder. Sometimes I am met with compassion when I answer these question honestly, but sometimes I am ashamed of the answer and deflect the conversation.

I have slowly made peace with the fact I am mentally ill and I am just starting to share my experiences with the diagnosis. I am careful who I share with. Although I am open in this blog, in my personal life I am cautious. Mental illness is still shrouded in shame and stigma. It's still a subject that most people are uncomfortable with. So, sometimes I deal with it in silence.

Coming out with my diagnosis has been difficult. It is painful to talk about my experiences with mental illness. I know though, that it is not only therapeutic for me, but it is also potentially helpful to those still in the dark or suffering.

It is my hope that this blog will help advance the conversation. I am tired of not being able to share fully my struggle with mental illness. Perhaps I can make people more aware of bipolar disorder and educate those who may not know much about it. 1 in 4 people deal with a mental illness so it is an area that must be addressed. Hopefully I can share my experiences and shed some light on a difficult subject!