My brother, myself...

My heart is heavy today. My little brother is in the hospital on a 30 day hold to treat his bipolar diagnosis. I wouldn't wish this illness on my worst enemy let alone someone that I love. He was non-compliant with his medication and spiraled into mania in the last couple of months. Now, the powers that be have filed for conservatorship.

Conservatorship is basically the state deeming a person gravely disabled and unable to meet their most basic needs . My brother has found himself without the ability to provide shelter, food and mental health care by himself. Because he is so severely in the throes of a bipolar episode, a conservator will be assigned to him to oversee his hospitalization and return to the outside world.

I know what he is going through because I was conserved in 2011. After a 3 month hospitalization it was determined that I was gravely disabled due to my bipolar diagnosis. I stayed in the hospital for 6 more months then went before a judge to end my conservatorship and return to society.

Imagine trying to prove you are mentally stable to a judge! My hearing consisted of the judge peppering me with questions about my mental health. I answered honestly and told her I was mentally ill, and would be for the rest of my life. I told her I needed medication to stay stable and would have to take it the rest of my life. As I sat here in sweats and a hoodie I remember thinking, "I look crazy, feel crazy and probably come off as a complete basket case." I distinctly remember looking at my shoes and thinking how in the world would I ever convince the judge to "let me go". ( I didn't have shoe laces because you just don't in a mental hospital.
Fear of suicide by hanging) I felt like a freak and was shocked that the judge looked beyond appearances and terminated my conservatorship.

The thing about getting out of the hospital is that it requires the assumption of many responsibilities. You have to take your medication faithfully, be in the care of a psychiatrist and therapy and begin to live a life dedicated to recovery. I have no earthly idea how I've accomplished these things. I think it's because I wanted life back so badly that I became uber-compliant. My family, my kids and other loved ones were there for me and with their love and support find I myself where I am today.

I live independently in an apartment after 2 years in board and cares. I have a  small job that allows me to make ends meet. More importantly I am present in my childrens lives. It has been a long hard road of recovery. I can say now that I am stable and participating in a healthy life despite my illness.

I don't know how my brother will fare given the same challenges. He is stubborn and when he is the most ill, doesn't think he is sick. He has never faced the fact that he has a mental illnes and often stops taking his medication, self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. I fear for his life. He hasn't come to the realization that he has an illness that requires your full attention in order to survive. What will become of him?

One thing I do know. My brother has the love and support of many people and now has the presence of a conservator to oversee his path to wellness. I also know that my brother has me, waiting on the other side of his madness. I can't be shocked out of our relationship by anything he does or says while in a manic state. I have literally seen it all and experienced most of the horrors associated with mental illness.

And so I wait. I pray. I beg God and others to show my brother mercy as he finds his way. Bipolar disorder can't change the way I see him. He is handsome, funny and loving when stable. I pray that he will see better days and hope beyond hope that I will be there to see it.