Donna's Bipolar Buzz: Grateful and blessed..

Donna's Bipolar Buzz: Grateful and blessed..: Thanksgiving has always been a special time for me. It is a time to express to those we love how grateful we are for their presence in our l...

Grateful and blessed..

Thanksgiving has always been a special time for me. It is a time to express to those we love how grateful we are for their presence in our lives and to thank our Maker for all He blesses us with. Never has Thanksgiving held as much meaning for me as this Thanksgiving.

On November 11th I went to the doctor to get my shot of Abilify and talked to her about my state of mind. She said that based on my history and especially my last 5 visits with her she was going to diagnose me with Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD. I unfortunately met the criteria for diagnosis to a tee, and it was upsetting to be diagnosed with yet another disorder. I am a 24 karat manic depressive as well. My bipolar disorder runs along the classic lines of symptoms. Being bipolar 1, I have periods of depression followed  by hypomanic and manic episodes. Depression is the dominating state of my being though. I have long periods of it, and it wears me down. If there is a major life event such as divorce, a move, or just me stuffing my feelings, my manic me surfaces. It is a cycle that I have repeated over and over again since I was 21. I am 55 so it has been a long journey.

I honestly thought that I had the illness licked. I hadn't had an manic episode since 2010. The last one was significant and I was in the hospital for 9 months. I finally regained my sanity but not without a price. My confidence was shot and I lived with a low grade depression for a long time after the hospitalization ended. Depression wore me down and I didn't react well to the challenges of life. I stuffed my feelings and took it on the cheek for the past 10 years. I finally just imploded last week. I had a episode featuring hypomania ( a precursor to full blown mania) and what some people would call a nervous breakdown. I simply couldn't fight anymore.

Although it has been only 18 days since this all started I am over the worst of it. My sanity has returned and I am fully engaged in reality. I still have some symptoms that are annoying but my house is super clean!!  That boundless energy and grandiosity have subsided and I am sleeping .

Now the challenge will be to enter into a phase of recovery and figure out why I am so prone to depression and so vulnerable to mania. I am seeking help not just from my psychiatrist and psychologist but am also going to enter an outpatient program to aggressively discover how I can stay well.

So, having said all that, I am celebrating the holiday season with family and friends. I am very blessed to have their love and support. We are a very close family and we all share the belief that we can overcome anything with the help and grace of God and others. I am so grateful for many things during this time. Medication is a godsend, the professionals I am seeing are amazingly pro-active in facilitating my recovery and ensuring a future of stability and wellness.

I sincerely wish those who read this blog a Happy Thanksgiving and a blessed holiday season. If you,  a loved one or a colleague is suffering from their mental illness though, may you find peace and comfort as  well as much needed help. Contact NAMI for family and peer support. Call the National Suicide hotline if you are at your wits end or reach out before things reach a boiling point. The number is 1-800-273 8255. The hotline is a source of comfort and help to ALL those suffering and living with a mental illness not just those who feel like harming themselves.

Some have reached their limit, and are contemplating or planning to end their pain. I would encourage you to reach out for help immediately and cling to the hope that there will be a better tomorrow! I am living proof that mental illness doesn't always win the day. As I enter into my current phase of recovery, I am confident that I will learn how to better mange this most complicated of illnesses. A heartfelt wish to all for a holiday season of help and healing !

Ain't that a kick in the head...

Yesterday I got my shot of Abilify. I get it every two months and it really hits me hard the first day. Yesterday was no exception. Yet something was different this time around. My response to the shot was  not one of quiet resignation. I finally gave voice to my frustration to the doctor and asked for more help.

I have been getting this shot for the past 4 years. The day I get it is really rough. I experience extreme tiredness and my head feels like lead. I talked to my doctor about it and she said it was normal to feel this way until the medicine reaches a therapeutic level. However I am coming to realize that my reaction is just as much psychological as it is physical.

Getting that shot and checking in with my psychiatrist are heavy duty reminders that I am battling a very nasty, chronic disease. Bipolar disorder is a bear, and when i visit the doctor, I usually express to her how tired I am getting of it all. Yesterday I cried and had a semi-meltdown in her office. I confessed to her that I was dreading the shot and resentful of having to take meds. It's not that I want to be non-compliant I just wanted reassurance that things would be okay.

After several minutes of ranting, my doctor and I agreed that I needed to add some new weapons to my arsenal against my mental illness. I had already added several  new approaches upon returning from a vacation. I started taking vitamins and changed my diet completely. I am going radical in my attempt to lose the weight I have gained on meds. I also started walking again. Not just my usual strolls to work or the store, but a solid 45 minutes a day at a good clip. I am also attempting to quit smoking. I am starting by limiting the number I can smoke a day and working my way down to just one at the end of the day.

I must admit that I feel a little overwhelmed by all the changes, but I will do anything to stay stable so I can really be present. I have so much to live for and I don't want to let bipolar disorder win the day. I do accept that it is a fight to keep moving forward in my recovery. Lots of bad coping mechanisms have to go and be replaced by healthy ways of being.

My belief that I am in a fight for my life does not mean that I don't accept my diagnosis. I am aware that sometimes it's enough to just breathe and live to fight another day. However I cannot and will not settle for a mediocre life defined by symptoms. I will fight to live a life of meaning regardless of the fact that my brain is sick.

When I look into my son's eyes, experience the support of friends and family, and receive empathetic care from my doctors, I realize that I am so fortunate to have that much love and attention. I am lucky and I know it big time. And so I am determined to see things through for their sake as much as for mine. Living a "best" life with bipolar is a challenge I am willing to accept. And so I fight on. As Winston Churchill stated, "Never, never, never give up!!!"

Coffee...

I love coffee. I have read and heard that it is not advisable to drink it if you are bipolar but I honestly don't know how I could function without it. Faced with the fact that I drink too much java, I have been thinking about why it remains one of my few vices.

For starters I take a handful of meds in the morning. I don't resent it because they have made me stable and each one serves a purpose. I do resent the side effects though, and one of the most bothersome is the feeling of being tired. So, when I wake up the first thing I do is push the button on my Mr. Coffee and brew some wake-up juice.

There is nothing quite like the smell of fresh brewed coffee, and I love it! I am not a coffee snob, but I do know a little about the bean, so I make a pretty good cup of joe. I love the taste but especially like the way it wakes me up to face the challenges of the day.

I have read that coffee only agitates the symptoms of bipolar mania and does little to help the depressive moods that are the hallmark of my disorder. The high from caffeine soon fades and you either have to keep on drinking it or suffer a caffeine crash.  I however, true to my bipolar nature drink a ton and like the boost it gives me. I have however realized that my consumption has gotten out of hand and have cut back recently.

I would never give it up all together though. I have so very few vices left. Seriously, I have given up many things in response to my wellness plan and I am not about to give up my morning cup of joy!

So with many others I rejoice in the fact that Starbuck is already serving Christmas blend in festive holiday cups! I will continue to drink away until someone in authority says stop but even then I would probably still indulge. Even though I believe in throwing your whole weight at the problem of mental illness, I also believe in living your best life despite the disorder. That includes enjoying things a little.

I started drinking only 2 cups in the morning after my vacation but I usually throw a kuerig in during the afternoon. Then there is the lure of a latte from Starbucks. I'm limiting that to one a week but will probably get more during the holidays. My budget restricts me more than my desire to be moderate but oh well!

Happy beginning of the holiday season , and remember "Life is too short to drink bad coffee"!!

Seve the cat.

A week ago I adopted a kitten and named it Seve. Like the famous golfer he has jet black shiny hair and he is so handsome. For years I have been debating whether or not to have a pet and I finally pulled the trigger. I had heard and read of the benefits of having a pet if you are diagnosed with a mental ilness.  I must say I wasn't a believer until this week. Already I am an enthusiastic convert.

Seve the wonder kitten...

One of the most important components of a wellness plan when you are bipolar is to get consistent good sleep. Too much sleep for me is an indication that I may be slipping into depression, too little is a precursor to a manic episode. For years I have struggled to create a disciplined schedule for sleep all to no avail. Since having Seve though, things have changed in just 2 short weeks. He wakes me up at 6 to 6:30 every morning by climbing onto my chest and purring away. Then he bumps my chin with his tiny head until I give him pets. What a cool way to wake up! He is full of energy interspersed with cat naps until about 11. I move him onto his perch in my bedroom and he sleeps through the night. My sleep is peaceful and sound due to following his schedule. I am getting a solid 7 to 8 hours a night and I wake up refreshed and ready to face the day.

Seve has also had one somewhat weird effect on my sleep. Since adopting him I have seen a remission of the terrible nightmares that have plagued my sleep. Since starting the shot of abilify I receive every two months, my dreams have been vivid and often have been nightmares. It got so bad I was dreading going to bed at night because they shook me up so. Now I am enjoying a nighttime routine with Seve and am feeling cozy and happy when I go to bed. It's only been 2 weeks but the change is already making a big difference in how I manage my waking and sleeping hours. Amazing!


So now I am a true believer. Seve is already a major benefit in my fight against mental illness. He is registered as an emotional support animal with my apartment, and he is truly living up to the label. He gives me a new sense of purpose. He needs to be fed, played with, loved and cared for and the responsibilities that come with cat ownership are sitting well with me. Who knew that a 7 pound creature would make such a difference??! Seve is a wonder!