When diagnosed with a mental illness the first question that pulsed through my mind was "Why!?". I just could not believe thatI had manic depresssive illness and God had not protected me.Why oh why my heart cried! I had believed in a loving God since chidhood and now I questioned His abilities.If God is the manager of all things,how had He so grossly mismanaged my case? Why does God allow suffering.And although greater minds have grappled with these questions ,I needed to find answers for mysef.If I had a chronic life-long illnes, how was I to reconcile this with a lifelong faith in the divine?I must admit that my answer to many questions is "I don't know" But I have some thoughts on the subject.
     God is not the author of suffering.He is a loving God who aides us in our time of troubleSo where do these midnight's of the soul come from? The answer here is an I don't know . what I do know is that,perhaps,difficult times are a vehicle to bring us even closer to God. Perhaps they teach us humility,patience and reliance on a power greater than ourselves.I believe God never promised us an easy road ,but the strength to walk it with Him at our side.

getting it right.

After an extended stay at a hospital the first thing I wanted to do was take a walk.I had missed being outdoors and moving! I never want to have to return to the hospital again.This time I want to get it right.There are basic steps one must take to insure wellness. The following are some of those steps:
   1) Take your meds! Always ytake the right dose at the right time for an extended period of time.Never go
        off your meds or do anything with your medication routine without the advice and consent of your
        doctor
    2) Take your psychiatrist seriously.Hey, their advice is why they make the big bucks!Make sure you keep
         your appointments and follow their counsel.Don't try to call the shots when it comes to medication.
    3) See a licenced therapist. It's important to talk to a trained proffessional about what you are gong
         through.Talking it out is vital to recovery.I know it has saved my life to be able to work things out in a
         theraputic setting.
     4) Seek support! Go to a support group! You are not  alone and in  a support group you will fing those
         who experince and struggle like you do.Also enlist the support of family and friends. Resources such
          as NAMI and DBSA can help those in your life get educated about mental illness and be in a better
          postion to help you.
      5) Take courage! You are in a batttle for your life. The one thing you can not take is a courage pill.
           You can however look to your resources to help you summon it up. Family, friends, doctors,
            organizations such as NAMI all are there to give you the will to press on. There is so much to live
           for! In the throes of mental illness this notion may be hard to embrace ,But once again I quote Kay
           Jamison,"Look to th living ,love them,and hold on."

it's not easy being green....

None of us likes to be labeled as "different". We all have a need to fit in to an extent and share our lives with people of the same mind. Problem is, you have to have a sane mind to do so. Manic depression tends to seperate one from the flow of life.Easy tasks are not that easy.For instance, maintaining relationships and activities seem impossible when all you want to do is crawl into bed for the day. What is even more destabilizing is the manias. You do more , say more and act out on wierd impulses. The damage left behind from an episode is as life altering as the episode itself. It makes you feel different and you've got the evidence to prove it.But I guess sometimes different can be a good thing. My experience with mental illness has taught me many life lessons that I would have not learned in the absence of it. Compassion, empathy and resiliance are just a few. So, when I start to bemoan my fate, I try to focus on the blessings I have recieved. I don't dwell on the differences between my life and the life of another. It may not be , as Kermit sang "Easy being green". THe alternative hoever is not to live your life at all or wallow inself pity.  I"ll take different every time.

The healing power of a best friend...

There are many facets of an individuals life that are impacted by manic-depressive ilness long after the initial diagnosis.Perhaps the most heart-wrenching is in the area of relationships.Failed marriages, compromised associations, and ruined friendships mar the lives of those affected by the illness.So it is always a pleasant suprise to me when something works. I am continually encouraged by my family to press on.My bouts of depressions and battles with mania have not dulled their love for me.Conversly,my respect for them has grown through the years not to mention my love.My two sons remind me that there is definitly something to live for no matter how dark the darkness becomes.They both have winning ways , gorgeous smiles and a love for me that I scarcely deserve.Their acceptance of my illness is other-worldly,and although I know they resent its' intusionin our lives,  they are still able to seperate the illness from me.That said I also have an "ace in the hole".I met my best friend 23 years ago when I was first prescribed lithium.She has seen me go through it in all sorts of circumstances.We've been through alot together and quite frankly I am alive today in many ways because of her friendship.When I was recently hospitalized I recieved numerous humorous postcards from her,encouraging me, making me laugh and sometimes giving me advice.You see, she tells me the truth even when it hurts. Many times I needed to hear the voice of  reason rather than being coddled.Most recentlyduring my recovery she has sent me letters and gifts that have made some very difficult days bearable.Don"t we all need this kind of person in our life, ill or well?? Some one who when we are at our worst  cares for us anyway? Someone who has earned th right to say "It's O.K., pick yourself up, WE CAN DO THIS!". I never have believed in leaching off the lives of others.After this episode however, I am a firm believer in grasping anothers hand in order to keep from drowning.Because I have a best friend my life is elevated.I don't sink so easily when the flood of mental illness hits.She has saved my life , sometimes without knowing it, a hundred times. It is to her and all the essential people in my life that I owe my gratitude. As Kay Jammison wrote, "Look to the living, love them and hold on."

A nasty little habit....

I have recently quit smoking,and I mean recently!!I am already experiencing the many symptoms of withdrawal.I wasn't just a casual smoker,I was an ardent somker.Cigarrettes were more than a habit, they were a companion.I smoked alot when manic,more so when depressed.I smoked when I was anxious,worried or just in a contemplative mood.So when I decided to quit it was a big deal.I looked up mental ilness and smoking on the internet and wasn't suprised at what I found.The prevalence of smoking amongst the mentally ill is high.We smoke more and more often.The impact on finaces is high as well . Many have limited fundsand cigarrettes take a large chunk out of Social Security checks. So, not wanting to be part of the problem,I quit.Oh yeah, smoking also effects th efficacy orf many psychiatric meds. Reason #751 to stop. Bottom line is I don't waant to die from smoking after having overcome mental illness.I don't want to die period,I'll take a long life that includes family, friends, books, music and all the things that make life  worth the living. I'm not going to use mental illness as an excuseto hide fom the world , cigarette in hand.There is so much to do see, and feel,and quite frankly cigarettes are a numbing agent. So here I go on my journey as a non-smoker, a recovering manic-depressive, and a hopeful participant in life!-

The Long road of recovery

There are some things in life thath just take time.Grief after the loss of a loved one,developing a relationship, investing in a career,are some examples.Recovery from an episode of mental illnessis not the exception.When one experiences an episode(meaning here a period of tme that is defined by instability)all the cards of your life fall down.Emotionally you are bankrupt,physically you are spent and spiritually you are left to wonder the wisdom and compassion of a so called loving god.When I experienced my most recent episode all of the above applied.I felt terrible and looked worse!So when I was discharged from the hospitalI wanted recovery to happen as soon and as fast as possible.I didn't acknowledge that much like a broken bone my brain needed time to heal.Last week I experienced my first week without a medication change.Like fine tuning an engine ,doctors fiddle with meds in order to achieve the best outcomes.But I have been impatient for consistancy.Recovery is still not going fast enough for me. Physically ,its getting better, The meds are working,and I'm no longer as lethargic as I was both pre and post episode.Emotionally I'm still fragile.I guess I still kinda can't believethis has all happened to me.Then  I snap out of it and try to refocus on recovery. One thing Ive learned is that recovey is a long hard road,but it's legitimate to want things to be O.K. again. My desire to be well fuels a more solid recovery I just need to remind myself to give it time.If time heals all wounds then I guess I have found a new ally!

Back to being me.

I am recovering froma recent psychotic episode. Not the sort of thing you want to broadcast or even share with friends and family.However the severity of the episode made it all too apparent that I had gone mad,there was no denying it and no  softening the reality of the 8 months I spent hospitalized.I was gone, far gone.Mercifully Manic Depression does have a component of memory loss,so some of my experiences simply did not register.Afterward, Friends and family would tell me what I did or said , only to be met with a blank stare,or a silence over the phone.I do recall some things,mostly the terrifying feeling that I had lost my mind. I couldn't make sense of the simplest things. At one point I would recite my name , my family members names and frinds names to remind myself who I was.It was the scariest time of my life, and altough I am in recovery it will forever haunt me. Recovery has been difficult, It is tough getting your lifeback when your self is the thing you have lost. What I am learnig the most is not to define mself by the illness. I am many things besides being bipolar, and I want to pay attention to many things besides my mood,like music ,books, childeren, family, friends and the things in life that make it worth living.I am tring to get back to myself and yet go beyond where I was before the onset of my last episode. Hopefully I'll get back to being me.

Compliance

Compliance to medication is essential to maintaining stability.So why is it the number one headache when treating the mentally ill? First, patients have the right to refuse meds. They make uninformed decisions about treatment or are merely exhibiting symptoms of their illness,such as paranoia.The result is they get sicker and continue to refuse. Meds solidify the fact that you have an illness. Taking them affirms that you need them.A hard pill to swallow!!Yet medication compliance is crutial to wellness. Side affects are another reason people refuse.But there are side affects to all treatments of many diseases.We follow the treatment regimine to save our lives.So it should be with mental illness.

nonsense!!

Politically correct speech has been with us for a while now.We haggle about what to call somthing or how to describe it. Bipolar disorder has replaced Manic Depressive illness for example. Now we are being told that we should say one is "affected "by mental illness rather than is "suffering"from it. What nonsense!I think Manic Depression more accuratly describes the experience than does the new bipolar disorder.But bipolar disorder is more palitable maybe even more hip. But we shouldn't be going for hip. Calll something for what it is for god's sake , even if it doesn't sound good and might offend someones sensibilities. As far as being affected goes, it's just too weak of a description of what happens to a person hit by a chronic mental illness.Devistated, railroaded,at best challenged by, are better tearms.Yes, however, the majority of us suffer. Reoccuring symptoms, hospitalizations, destroyed friendships,relationships and lives are the hallmarks of these illnesses.Suffering is an apt descriptioon of what one goes through as one navigates the waters of recovery. To say a bipolar patient is merley "affected" is a weak attempt to describe the experience.Brutal honesty is the only way to combat the misconceptions about mental illness.If suffering evokes compassion,so be it.I'll take all the compassion I can get,Political correctness be damned!!