Fitting in...

Being bipolar is a hassle. The constant ups and downs, the medication , the side effects, the therapy involved to keep you stable, can all wear on you. The thing that makes me the most exhausted is the thoughts that run through my head. The most pervasive is the notion that I don't fit in. I am different . I self stigmatize and that is a real problem.

So what is self stigmatization? We hear a lot about stigma  the tendency of society to discredit the experiences of the mentally ill. In a perfect world the mentally ill would be met with compassion not prejudice, respect for their struggle not pity. However the reality is that most people shrink from those struggling with a brain disorder. The ignorance surrounding mental illness is pervasive. There are stereotypes that portray us as crazy, lazy. homeless, beyond the reaches of societies norms. All these attitudes tend to affect he individual who is suffering. I sometimes fall into this trap. I self stigmatize by thinking less of myself. I isolate, I stay silent about my illness, and get the feeling that I am not accepted like others who are not bipolar.

It is an awful thing to compare your experience to others. My experience has been tragic in some ways, in others quite successful. I am a true bipolar person! Yet it is those experiences that set me apart. Some of those experiences have been frightening indeed! I'll never forget the horror I felt when I found out one of my roommates in a board and care back round. She had been in prison for assault with a deadly weapon. Apparently she had run over a cop while trying to evade a drug bust. I was terrified of her. Can you imagine the fear I had of setting her off? One time she claimed someone in the house had eaten her Philly cheese steaks. At 5 in the morning she walked around the place ranting and screaming obscenities at us all. It was unnerving. I felt trapped and appalled that I was put in the same living situation as her. What had I become that I was in the same category as such a deranged individual?

When I in a crowd I am a people watcher. I often wonder how those passing by exist without the burden of mental illness. Some look so carefree, others look concerned and in a rush, but they are getting things accomplished, things I have difficulty achieving. I know this is bad policy to make such comparisons, but my recent time in episode makes me insecure. The last hospitalization lasted 9 months and the recovery from it has been slow. I mean, how many people have gone through such a horror.?

I have finally am coming to the conclusion that I am different, and that's OK. My bouts of mental illness and the subsequent recovery times have made me resilient. I may not fit the mold of what is "normal" but I can celebrate my unique experiences. Sure, some were horrible. But mixed in with the tragic have been periods of wellness and happiness. I am not unique in my ups and downs. Doesn't everyone experience highs and lows? We all have our "stuff". Because of the severity of my bipolar disorder I have learned how to manage my stuff even when life's circumstances seem impossible. I have clung to hope and the belief that "good things are possible even with a mental illness diagnosis.

O.K. so I am different. I am quirky I am somewhat of a geek and at times I don't fit in. But who cares. My bipolar disorder does set me apart . However, I can learn to accept that  I have a brain disorder that
makes normalcy difficult. I can reconcile my illness by realizing that everyone has common concerns and I am in a position to empathize with those who have difficulties with their illnesses whether physical or mental. It has always been my wish to reach out and help people who are struggling. Perhaps my bipolar disorder gives me the compassion to do so. Perhaps I am blessed in this regard .Above all I hope I can contribute and in this way use my challenges to better those around me. I have been given so much, it is time to give back. I may be different because of mental illness, but I am the same in my hopes and dreams for a better tomorrow. Above all I hope.