Tragedy and the mentally ill.

So here we are again talking about mental illness in the wake of another tragedy. It made me sick to my stomach to hear of the most recent episode of a mentally ill individual involved in a heinous crime. By now
everyone now knows that the co-pilot of the German wings airplane that crashed into the French Alps, crashed the plane deliberately. He committed suicide along with mass murder. All major news networks are covering the story. I am a CNN watcher and the story is a major focus of their news cycle. It is all over the place that the co-pilot was suffering from psycho-somatic illnesses brought on by depression. He had a major depressive episode in 2009 and was treated with anti-psychotic injections. He hid his condition from his employer and flew on a day that a doctors note said he was unfit to fly.


I am reluctant to write about this story in my blog because it sickens me and it is beyond disturbing that an illness that I suffer from may have been the cause of such an act of violence. The reality is that a mentally ill person is much more likely to be a victim of a crime than a perpetrator. That fact however is disregarded when every tragedy that is a result of violence seems to be attributed to the mentally ill. Whenever I hear of a mass shooting or a violent tragedy involving an individual with questionable mental health issues, I cringe. The stories that come out afterwards are replete with misinformation that result in the stigmatization of those with mental illnesses like depression and bipolar disorder. Yet most of these stories point to one fact, that untreated mental illness is dangerous and those who are non-compliant with treatment can be a threat to themselves and others.

I am in treatment for bipolar disorder. I have experienced both major depressive episodes and major manic episodes. I have experienced psychosis and was treated with injections of Invega, an anti-psychotic medication. I now take Invega orally, along with a medication regimen of anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. I have never contemplated hurting anyone, even myself. I am reluctant to admit these facts though for fear of being misjudged. I follow my treatment plan to the letter. I see a psychiatrist and faithfully take my medications and see a therapist. I am so hyper responsible that I don't even drive for fear that my meds slow my reaction time. I err on the side of caution and I hold myself responsible for my actions regardless of a bipolar disorder.

I realize that such full disclose is risky. What will people think? Will they lump me in with those who are so negatively portrayed in the media? What if my employer finds out that I am mentally ill? I have had to face these questions and have come up with the answer. More people who have struggled with mental health issues and have persevered and even succeeded, should speak out to decrease the stigma associated  with mental illness.

It is unconscionable that Libitz was able to pilot that airplane. I don't believe you are capable of certain things when severely depressed. I never make a major decision when depressed, I don't take on responsibilities that are beyond my ability to handle. I am very careful in my actions and relationships. If you are being treated and are compliant with treatment I believe you should do the same thing. If you are mentally ill and refuse treatment and or are refusing to take medication ,I believe that is dangerous. You are flirting with disaster. If you do not pose a threat to others, you , at the very least, pose a threat to yourself. You may not self-harm, but you will suffer the loss of relationships, employment, and parts of yourself.

During a news story like this it is very difficult to "come out" and admit to a mental illness. There is so much stigma surrounding diseases of the brain and no one wants to be seen as different. The stigma is only increased when the media covers one of these events. The words madman, crazy and psychotic are thrown around way too easily. In reality there are millions of people who suffer from some form of mental illness. One in four adults suffer from a mental disorder. The vast majority of those millions suffer silently. They suffer as they go about their daily lives, lives filled with the activities of daily living that "normal" people experience. They keep their illness hidden for fear of being found out and discriminated against. They keep their illness hidden because they are ashamed.

Hopefully in the wake of the latest tragedy there will be more discussion about the realities of mental illness. I fear however that because of the stigma surrounding diseases of the brain, less will be said and more assumed. It should not be assumed because of a few random instances that depression is attention seeking. The hallmark of my depression is that I isolate, hide and fall under the radar. Many,like me withdraw and try to go about their activities of daily living with great difficulty. Those who suffer so should really speak out at a time like this so others will know that we, if treated, are not a threat.

Treatment is the key here. It is my responsibility to take my medication , to seek help and disclose my illness so I can get the treatment I need. I am not ashamed anymore to admit I have a mental illness. What I would be ashamed of is to ignore the symptoms and consequences of bipolar disorder and let it dominate my life. I don't want it to influence my thinking and actions. SO, I go forward being hyper vigilant. Although being vocal about a mental illness can help to irradicate stigma, I believe that one's actions determine others perceptions. We need people who have a mental illness and are being proactive in their treatment to speak out and serve as examples of what mental illness really looks like.

Murder in Palm Springs.

On February 21 a Palm Springs woman was murdered behind a local boarded up car dealership. Denee Salisbury was a 48 year old homeless woman who was described by family as suffering from OCD and manic-depression. I read about her story in the Desert Sun newspaper and immediately posted it to my page. It shook me up. Her murder sent chills through me and then I became angry. As a free society we honor peoples rights to live however they choose, but how can we let the mentally ill homeless live out such a savage existence. Can't we DO something?

Not only was Denee mentally ill and homeless so was her alleged killer. Verne Orlop, 52, had been in and out of prison his whole adult life . IN the past 5 years he has been in Patton State hospital 3 times . The fact that he was released to go back to the streets is a tragedy in itself. There is a revolving door system in place that allows a ill person to be released as soon as they are medicated enough to be deemed competent. The problem is that many stop taking meds as soon as they walk out of the hospital and are soon as bad or worse off than they were before commitment. As Denee's family said, she was the most well when in prison and forcibly medicated. After that and left to her own devices she fell through the cracks of the system and spiraled into the hell of life on the streets.

There is a new commitment law in place that allows a judge to force an individual with a mental illness into treatment if several factors are present. They must be a danger to themselves or others and have a track record of repeat incarcerations and hospitalizations. Kendra's law was put on the books and named after Kendra Webdale who was pushed in front of a subway train by a chronically homeless schizophrenic man. The problem is that the decision of who is a danger to others is often left to police with the family being ignored or disregarded. Warning signs as to the schizophrenic pusher were all over the place. He was repeatedly hospitalized, incarcerated and arrested for misdemeanor crimes.  Warning signs as to Denee's fate were all over the place too. Her family tried to help but went unheard and ignored. The area she was killed in is a blight in the city of Palm Springs , populated with the criminally insane. The tragedy is that it is left to continue unchecked. Th
e area behind that car dealership is still populated with the homeless, mentally ill. It is not being cleared out and the residents sent to treatment. It is being left unchecked to the disgrace of the system. The point is ,the system is irreparably broken. We need to start from scratch.

Why don't e set up systems to catch the chronically homeless mentally ill before they fall through the cracks, before they commit a crime? The botom line is their should be strong commitment laws in place and places, yes institutions where the severley, criminally and perpetually mentally ill should be placed. The model of community care and the promise of revolutionary drugs has failed. People are dying with their "Rights on". In other words under the guise of freedom those who are the most ill are left to their own devices. Care should be enforced, not optional when certain criteria are met.

We cannot mourn the loss of a Denee in our society without taking some responsibility for her murder. She should never have been allowed to remain on the streets because of an untreated mental illness. There should be laws that forced her into treatment and placed her in a rehabilitative environment. Her rights should have been superseded by  a mandate that would ensure her sanity. We could have protected her and our society from mentally ill people like her murderer. Anything short of this is a disgrace and inhumane!

Staying in the zone!

Spring forward, spring into symptoms of my mental illness. All of my episodes but one have occurred in the spring and summer. MY worst episodes , except for the most recent occurred in the summer, so it is with great fear and trepidation that I approach this season.

Both of my boys were born in the month of August. I had manic episodes and postpartum psychosis. It was a struggle to take care of them as infants and without the help of my mother I don't think i would have been able to pull through. My mania took the form of excessive energy in the form of cleaning . My house was spotless, and at a time that I should have been exhausted from the experience of childbirth my energy knew no bounds. I was promptly medicated because I was rapidly spiraling out of control. My speech was rapid and ranged in subject from politics to religion. I became spiritually and mentally grandiose. My thought life went unchecked and I felt I had to study and learn about a variety of topics. My money was spent on endless books, reading became a all consuming activity. It is a wonder that I bonded at all with my children. I was preoccupied with so many manic activities. I skipped from project to project and wore myself thin with ceaseless housework. I finally hit the wall when medicated with Seroquel. It was like someone  threw my brain against a wall. Splat, everything stopped and I entered a state of bland, pervasive depression.

Since that period of postpartum mania I have had several episodes of mild or hypo-manic states of bipolar disorder. The most recent episode was off the charts though. I spent the summer in a real funk, depressed beyond imagining. I had trouble doing the most simple of life skills. Showering was an effort, self care was something I couldn't even fathom. I finally had had it and made a conscious effort to regain some balance. I went too far. I changed meds, increased my activity to a manic pace and disregarded the advice and warnings of others. It wasn't soon after that I started to not make sense. I was manic, and psychotic in no time. I went from one polar to another. My father called the police on me and they issued a 51-50 (involuntary hold) on me due to my irritability and psychotic behavior. It seems I went ballistic when they told me I couldn't smoke in the police cruiser! I was told later that I ranted and raved on the way to the hospital and upon arrival there I was put in restraints. The majority of my first three months in the hospital are a blur. My memory of the 9 month hospitalization begins with the 2nd hospital that I was placed in and continued through the 3rd. Yep, it took 9 months to get me out of a manic storm.

So this summer my goal is to be centered, to be stable to remain even keel. I know that good things and bad will come, but I want to remain unfazed. I don't trust my brain to take the good with the bad, to stay neither depressed or manic. I crave a sense of balance and I am going to do everything in my power to achieve that state of being. The things I am going to so are pretty basic. Getting enough sleep, excercising , eating right and practicing mindfulness are all going to be part of the program. And yes beyond all else, following the doctors advice and counsel on how to approach my medication.

It amazes me that people drink and do drugs to achieve states of ecstasy. I'll settle for sanity. The true test of my summer will be to enter the fall confident that I spent the season productive, healthy and happy. Not too low and not too high. Just right. I want to enter the zone. Mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally achieving yet staying in a balanced state of mind. Will I do it? I can only give it my best shot. That could be enough!

Random Recovery Thoughts...

I have been working now for six months. After the first week I would not have thought I'd make it this far. It is a job that requires you to work with the public and quite frankly at the time I wanted to retreat from the world. That is a killer if you suffer from mental illness. Isolation is so detrimental to wellness and I was getting used to it.

Living alone is not that difficult for me. After my hospitalization, I was placed in 4 different living situations all with roommates included, so I am loving my single bedroom apartment. I admit that sometimes I get in nesting mode and do only the simple things. I love to read and there is nothing better than cozying up to a good book. For a long time though,I didn't want to do anything other than that. I was in a state of shock from my stay in the hospital and all the subsequent consequences of living in chaotic environments I literally was in survival mode and had to learn to live again outside of that state of being. I had survived the last 3 years by putting my head down and plowing forward. There was little room for pursuing any other goals except for getting better.

Now I am interested in engaging with other people again. Work has helped, by getting me out there. I want to do more though. Like anyone else I want to have relationships and experiences that enhance my life. For so long I isolated not only because I was ill but because I was ashamed that I was ill. I didn't want to make myself vulnerable to scrutiny. I was afraid people were going to ask me questions that could only be answered by, "Well I am bipolar." Foe example, how do you explain a 5 year gap in your life's history?!  On my resume I had to highlight the jobs I had 10 20 years ago. If asked why I didn't see my kids often the answer always involves my bipolar diagnosis. Frankly I get sick of it and feel that if anyone knew the real story they would be put off.

I am getting over that way of thinking. The realization that it only leads to isolation is one of the reasons. The other is that I have come to know that everyone if asked has their"stuff". We have all been through trial and tribulation, that's what makes us who we are. I have learned compassion and empathy. I have experienced grief and loss, all because of my mental illness. I hope this has made me a better human being. What I do know is that because of my experiences I want to connect with others. I am getting to the point where i am ok with sharing my struggles with mental illness and the life events that resulted from my bipolar disorder. I still care what people think but I am more confident that my opinion is the opinion that matters most.

So onward I go, working hard not only at work but also in my recovery. I have definitely reached a new phase in my recovery process. I am looking forward and trying to perceive how I want my life to look. One of the problems I have with building up my connections and activities is that I don't drive.  Even if I had a car I am reluctant to drive on the psychiatric meds I am on. My best friend suggested Uber. I am definitley going in that direction. My world needs to expand in order for me to reach my goal of full recovery.

Full recovery. That's the goal, that I didn't think was possible a year ago. Today I believe that I am gettting closer to reaching that goal and  living a life that matters. I love and am loved. I appreciate the world around me and am finally in a state where I can participate. To shy away from it all because of self stigma is simply not acceptable anymore. I don't want to have regrets and I don't want to live my life hiding because I am bipolar. I am learning to put myself in situations where I have to engage. So, as for life, bring it on! I am better. I am getting well, and I am ready for the next step in my journey!

Fight the good fight!

OK, so you have had enough. If you have been diagnosed with a mental illness or are caring for someone who is ill, chances are that at times you have contemplated giving up. Don't! Before you throw in the towel, consider using some of the tactics I have learned in my fight against bipolar disorder.

Know your enemy!  You have got to come to terms that you are in a fight for your life so it would be wise to sum up your foe. Educate yourself on every aspect of mental illness so there are no surprises. It is a battle so be prepared!

Gather your resources!  No one in their right mind would consider tackling cancer without a doctor. Why should mental illness be any different? You need medical attention. Get the help you need as quickly as you can. Make that first appointment and keep it!

Borrow from others!  Don't be afraid to borrow the strength and hope of those who love and care for you. It is impossible to go it alone in the fight for your wellness. When you are sick you may not be able realize that a new day is coming. If you are a caregiver you may have just run out of answers. So surround yourself with substantial , positive people and heed their advice and sound logic. Go to a support group and vent! There is no shame in acknowledging that
you cannot go it alone. I make no apologies for admitting that bipolar is too big and strong for me to tackle by myself. Reach out and get help!

Cultivate a fighting spirit!   This is a biggie! You must learn to fight and not just be a reactive victim. Mental illness is a formidable foe and must be matched with strength and resolve. I had to realize that I was in a fight for my life, only then did I take my bipolar disorder seriously enough to engage it. I learned by picking myself up every time I had an episode and coming back to the battle with new weapons. Perhaps I got some new advice from a friend or read an article on mental illness that shed new light on my disorder. I brought these new insights into the struggle. It is a constant learning curve and I had to realize that my chronic illness would have to be a life long battle as well. So rather than just being a passive victim and calling it quits I chose to fight. I figure my loved ones are worth it, my life is worth it, so why not put up a good one!?!

These are just a few of my strategies for fighting against mental illness. Most of the time they have worked for me. If you try them and things still do not get better please reach out and get the help you need. For family members and loved ones, caretakers and colleagues I would suggest contacting NAMI. Their website is nami.org, The National Association for the Mentally Ill is an excellent resource for all mental illness concerns. If you are someone who is struggling with mental illness and feel like you are wanting to give up or harm yourself call the National Suicide hotline at 1-800-273-TALK(8255). It is not just for those who have suicidal thoughts but also those who are struggling with other mental health related issues. Reach out! Get the help you deserve and protect your valuable life!!

Fitting in...

Being bipolar is a hassle. The constant ups and downs, the medication , the side effects, the therapy involved to keep you stable, can all wear on you. The thing that makes me the most exhausted is the thoughts that run through my head. The most pervasive is the notion that I don't fit in. I am different . I self stigmatize and that is a real problem.

So what is self stigmatization? We hear a lot about stigma  the tendency of society to discredit the experiences of the mentally ill. In a perfect world the mentally ill would be met with compassion not prejudice, respect for their struggle not pity. However the reality is that most people shrink from those struggling with a brain disorder. The ignorance surrounding mental illness is pervasive. There are stereotypes that portray us as crazy, lazy. homeless, beyond the reaches of societies norms. All these attitudes tend to affect he individual who is suffering. I sometimes fall into this trap. I self stigmatize by thinking less of myself. I isolate, I stay silent about my illness, and get the feeling that I am not accepted like others who are not bipolar.

It is an awful thing to compare your experience to others. My experience has been tragic in some ways, in others quite successful. I am a true bipolar person! Yet it is those experiences that set me apart. Some of those experiences have been frightening indeed! I'll never forget the horror I felt when I found out one of my roommates in a board and care back round. She had been in prison for assault with a deadly weapon. Apparently she had run over a cop while trying to evade a drug bust. I was terrified of her. Can you imagine the fear I had of setting her off? One time she claimed someone in the house had eaten her Philly cheese steaks. At 5 in the morning she walked around the place ranting and screaming obscenities at us all. It was unnerving. I felt trapped and appalled that I was put in the same living situation as her. What had I become that I was in the same category as such a deranged individual?

When I in a crowd I am a people watcher. I often wonder how those passing by exist without the burden of mental illness. Some look so carefree, others look concerned and in a rush, but they are getting things accomplished, things I have difficulty achieving. I know this is bad policy to make such comparisons, but my recent time in episode makes me insecure. The last hospitalization lasted 9 months and the recovery from it has been slow. I mean, how many people have gone through such a horror.?

I have finally am coming to the conclusion that I am different, and that's OK. My bouts of mental illness and the subsequent recovery times have made me resilient. I may not fit the mold of what is "normal" but I can celebrate my unique experiences. Sure, some were horrible. But mixed in with the tragic have been periods of wellness and happiness. I am not unique in my ups and downs. Doesn't everyone experience highs and lows? We all have our "stuff". Because of the severity of my bipolar disorder I have learned how to manage my stuff even when life's circumstances seem impossible. I have clung to hope and the belief that "good things are possible even with a mental illness diagnosis.

O.K. so I am different. I am quirky I am somewhat of a geek and at times I don't fit in. But who cares. My bipolar disorder does set me apart . However, I can learn to accept that  I have a brain disorder that
makes normalcy difficult. I can reconcile my illness by realizing that everyone has common concerns and I am in a position to empathize with those who have difficulties with their illnesses whether physical or mental. It has always been my wish to reach out and help people who are struggling. Perhaps my bipolar disorder gives me the compassion to do so. Perhaps I am blessed in this regard .Above all I hope I can contribute and in this way use my challenges to better those around me. I have been given so much, it is time to give back. I may be different because of mental illness, but I am the same in my hopes and dreams for a better tomorrow. Above all I hope.